Bruce Springsteen's Leah
by fictionfanDNB
Summary: After The-Almost-War, Leah leaves her family and her pack behind. She left hoping to find solace in her independence, but she discovers that with the help of new family, she can not only heal, but grow.
1. Prologue and Chapter 1

**This is the completely edited version that is posted to Twilighted(dot)net under the pen name fictionfan**

**A/N: The story name and each chapter's title is a reference to a song title. I did this because music means a lot to Leah and it often plays a big role in her life. I highly recommend looking up the songs on playlist(dot)com or youtube.**

Bruce Springsteen's Leah is pretty self explanatory but "For Leah and Chloe" is a song by Lost in the Trees and "American Baby" is by Dave Matthews Band

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Bruce Springsteen's Leah

Leah's POV

Prologue

For Leah and Chloe

_I hadn't shifted in nearly three years. My personal record in the nine or so years since The-Almost-War. I did call Jake and Seth every once in a while; I couldn't let my Alpha worry too much... Yeah. Whatever that meant. _

_I just couldn't stand to share a consciousness with two people so bright and damned chipper. Jake with Renesmee and Seth with his new BFF Ed-jas-mett-isle. I swear. It didn't matter that Seth was so obviously the odd man out. He just loved the leeches. He followed them around like the little puppy dog he was. I think he'd offer to do their laundry if Esme didn't beat him to it. Me, I was sticking to the yoga thing, lots of deep breathing. _

_Until one day, I decided to share my other self with someone special to me. Then it happened: I heard Jake's cry for help._

American Baby

After The Volturi left, I did too. I headed up north like Jake did after the wedding. I just let the wolf run for a while, stretch her legs. I found the soft crunch of snow under the pads of my paws to be relaxing and eventually, the taste of raw rabbit didn't bother me so much. Jake was right: don't think about it.

A couple of weeks into my trip, I came across this beautiful ranch. Complete with log cabins, rolling hills, stone chimneys, smooth mirror-faced lakes that were frosted over at the edges, a seemingly endless array of painted ponies and it was all topped off with an endless sky with clouds that seemed to touch the sun. _The perfect place to relax_, I thought to myself. _N__ow this is a place I could call home... _

_Take care of yourself. _I heard flit through Jake's mind. He and Seth were in La Push, gifting me with one last look at the shoreline of First Beach from the cliffs. No matter how far I ran, I could still hear the both of them in my mind. Jacob phased, and then I couldn't feel him anymore; it was just me and Seth.

_Good luck, __S__is, I'll miss you_.

Damn Seth and his sentimental crap.

_Hey, I heard that!_ Seth thought.

_Good... I'll miss you too, __kid. Tell Mom I love her. And try to keep an extra eye out for Charlie..._

_I'm pretty sure Mom can handle herself, y'know. _

_I know. Well,__ I guess this is it. _With that, I phased and left everything from my past behind, not knowing when or if I would return to my childhood home. Here, no one would bring up Sam, or Emily, or my father, or damned vampires.

It had been about two weeks since the Volturi's departure: long enough to say my good-bye's, buy one of those backpacks made for rescue dogs (size XL) and wander The Great White North for a bit. Next thing I knew, I was naked as a jay, in the middle of the woods, looking at the most beautiful log cabin I had ever seen. I knew I had nothing to be nervous about; I was just looking for a job, that's it. The worst that could happen would be that they would say no and I would keep going. I had stared down an army of angry vampires yet the prospect of asking a perfect stranger for a job had me hiding behind a tree like a six year old playing hide-and-seek. I threw my clothes on and faced my fears and walked down to what I could only assume was the... main building? The office? It was the only building with cars anywhere near it.

I walked up a few short steps and into a side door. I didn't want to walk directly past a couple that were already giving me meaningful glances from the front balcony, mugs of steaming-something in hand. I didn't think about it at the time but it was probably the fact that I was only wearing a long sleeve shirt and jeans with holes in the knees. I wasn't exactly worried about catching a cold and they were bundled up like Eskimos. I should have known better. The average human doesn't run a 108 temperature every day, especially not in the snow.

The inside of what turned out to be the lodge was even more beautiful than the exterior, if that was even possible. Overstuffed leather couches with enormous brass grommets, wood paneled floors and walls, bouquets of wildflowers (Where did those come from? It was all but a blizzard outside.), stacks of leather-bound books and cashmere pillows, and in the center of the giant room: one of those antler-chandeliers that you only see in design shows hosted by gay men in Montana. No. Freaking. Way. This was the kind of thing you see in a magazine. _Yeah, no way I'm getting a job here_. I thought it was best not to get my hopes up.

Over to a corner, I saw a small, dark desk with a small, bright woman seated behind it. She kept her natural-looking blonde hair in a low pony tail at the base of her neck with bangs swept across her forehead. She was dressed professionally but simply.

As every well trained concierge should, her expression never wavered from one of welcome. "Hello, my name is Olivia. Welcome to The Siwash Lake Ranch. Do you have a reservation, miss?"

"Hi, my name is Leah. It is really beautiful here." I was seriously trying to make a good first impression. "Actually, Olivia, I was more interested in looking for a job. Is there anyone here I could speak to about that? I would be willing to do just about anything you needed." My admission wasn't far from the truth. I needed a job and I needed a place to stay.

At that, Olivia seemed to brighten even more. She stood and said, "If you will have a seat, I'll have a word with Mr. Siwash." She turned heel and rapped softly on a door at the opposite end of the room. After a quiet "Yes, Olivia" she opened the door and walked inside. Through the solid wood door all I could make out were mumbles. The slight orange tint to the door contrasted nicely with the wide array of beiges from the pine timbers supporting the ceiling, paneling the floor, and covering the walls.

I walked over to the massive stone fireplace; I think my wolf could have walked into it had it not been for the rolling fire. It was big enough for five to comfortably sit around it and make s'mores. On the mantle was a wrought-iron candelabra. To me, it looked like something you could see some fat, balding guy make at a Renaissance Festival; I certainly wouldn't have picked it to place right in the middle of all the wood and stone and leather, but it fit perfectly. It had deep red candles, a shade darker than the leather sofas, glistening from the heat of the fire but not getting hot enough to melt. Once I noticed the candles, I couldn't help but take more notice of the stonework behind them. A wide array of colors from gray to tan to brown to purple to green to red to yellow made up the throat of the chimney. Before I could catch myself, my breath was stuck in my throat and tears were threatening to brim over my eyelashes; it was like taking a magnifying glass to the stones of First Beach. Of all the things to be reminded of from home, that was probably the least threatening.

I took a few calming breaths that I wasn't anticipating I would ever need and batted back the tears that I would never let myself cry. I turned around to see Olivia and a middle aged man standing near the door she had knocked on a minute before. He wasn't too intimidating, I guess. He had perfectly straight black hair that was starting to gray on the sides, and stubble on his cheeks and chin that was also starting to gray on the sides. He was wearing a green flannel button-up and jeans with cowboy boots. He had copper colored skin, just lighter than my own. Not exactly what I was expecting.

"Leah? Would you like to step into my office?" Mr. Siwash, I assumed, asked.

"Yes, sir, of course, sir." _Wow, did that really just come out of my mouth? Well, if I'm going to suck up to get a job, I guess I better do it right,_ I thought to myself.

Olivia stepped aside with a kind smile and Mr. Siwash ushered me into his office. As I walked past the strawberry-blonde door, I realized with my heightened senses that it smelled faintly of cedar; its spicy scent had slowly worn away to just a warm, inviting aroma. The smell matched the soft grains of the wood that felt almost malleable as I shut the door behind myself. The room was a small square with a smaller version of the same fireplace as the sitting room. He took a seat behind another dark wood desk and gestured for me to take a seat in one of the wooden chairs opposite him.

"So, Leah, is it, eh?" He really said 'eh'. If there was any question before, I definitely knew then that I was in Canada. I desperately hoped that the colloquialism wouldn't ever rub off on me.

"Yes, sir, Leah Clearwater," I responded, trying to sound as polite as possible.

He pondered that for a few seconds and then questioned, "Clearwater? Any relation to the Clearwaters of Clearwater River a piece north of here?"

"Not that I know of, sir. I'm from the Quileute Reservation off the coast of Washington."

"I see. Well, as it turns out, you are in luck. I do need some help in the stables. It's tough to keep all of those jobs filled through the winter. But I have a few questions to ask you first."

"Of course, sir, anything you need." I wanted to give him whatever he would require to get a job, even if it was in the stables. I assumed he needed my social security card or my driver's license or something.

"Do your parents know that you are here?"

That caught me off guard. I figured honesty was going to be the best policy in all matters that weren't supernatural. "Well, my father died about a year ago. I guess you would call this one of those cheesy 'finding yourself journeys'. My mother knows that I'm gone, though she doesn't know where I am specifically right now, but it's not like I'll be hiding it from her either. Once I get settled, wherever I go, she will be the first person I tell. But she has my brother to take care of her and I just needed to make my own way and get away from the same fifty people that I've seen every day of my life, wow, I'm rambling. I'm sorry." I looked down into my hands and twisted my fingers together with worry. I had said more honest things to this stranger than I had to anyone, excluding the pack, in years.

He just chuckled and reached under his desk. "That's quite alright Leah. You made quite the impression on my wife out there and she wanted me to make sure that you weren't a runaway. I think it would break her heart to know that she was breaking some other mother's heart. My name is Charbonneau Siwash, by the way."

"Two last names, talk about a mouthful," I mumbled.

"Charbonneau is a family name from my mother's side. You can just call me Nox. Well, you certainly seem hearty enough and earnest. We will give you a trial run. The job is nothing glamorous, that's for sure; for now it is just cleaning out the barn and helping the stable staff, but if that works out well, it can always change. Here's the key to your room; Olivia can show you the way." I then excitedly took the silver key on the basic key ring. "We will need to get you a coat and some better shoes and maybe a toque, and some of that will have to come out of your first paycheck but I'm sure Olivia is just chomping at the bit to jump into mother hen mode. She can't help but to take in the strays. Tonight you can relax and get settled. Tomorrow we'll show you the ropes."

"Thank you so much Mr. Siw-" but he didn't give me a chance to finish properly thanking him.

"Nox. Please. Around these parts 'Siwash' means drunken, no-good Indian, and I don't think either of us appreciate that," he said with a laugh and I couldn't help myself but to chuckle along with him.

"Nox," I said to appease him. "Thank you. I really appreciate everything, but what the heck is a _toque_?"

With that he pursed his lips to the side and lowered his eyebrows and I could tell he was thinking _crazy foreigner_.He spread his fingers out over the top of his head like he was imitating a spider and said, "Y'know, like a _fuzzy hat_." Then we both broke out in laughter and I could tell that even if the work was gross, I would enjoy my job here at the Siwash Lake Ranch. "Hey, just don't tell the guests about the drunken Indian thing, alright?"

"Alright."

"If you ever need to talk about anything, you know where to find me," he said softly and seriously. Then, his smile widened wickedly and he loudly proclaimed, "Or, you could just look for _Olivia._"

A second later, the door opened and Olivia, who I can only assume was eavesdropping, walked in, a warm smile on her flushed cheeks. "Leah, sweetie, would you like me to show you to your room?"

"Yeah, thank you ,Olivia. That would be great."

Olivia walked me out of the office, and at the front door she slipped out of her low heels and into a pair of worn cowboy boots that were hidden inconspicuously next to an old cast-iron, pot-bellied stove. With an errant thought I wondered if there were a few embers left in the old stove that Olivia kept red to keep her boots warm. I figured there must have been when I spied two other pairs of boots also left next to the stove. All three pairs, like Nox's, looked well broken-in and well loved; they each had a different, intricate design stitched into the leather. I was hoping that my mandatory new boots would not be of the cowboy variety and more of the hiking persuasion.

Olivia opened a small door and pulled out two black down parkas. Even if I didn't need it for the warmth, it was still comfortable. It was like walking around in the slick side of a sleeping bag.

I thanked her for her hospitality and she walked me through the front door of the lodge. As we walked down the stairs, she wrapped her arm around me with her hand on my arm as if to warm my biceps through friction. It was definitely a motherly thing to do. I could see what Nox meant by the whole mother hen thing. It was something I would have to adjust to. Sue Clearwater was never exactly the coddling, motherly type. But I think it was something I could get used to.

We walked about a hundred and fifty yards from the main lodge to where I saw a large barn, and when I say large barn, I mean I need to make up a word to describe how huge it was. I think most of the Rez could have fit in there. Maybe thirty yards closer to the line of trees from the colossal barn was a medium-sized cabin and fifty yards behind the first cabin, tucked into the tree line was a second cabin that was obviously Nox and Olivia's home. I'm not sure how I knew, but it just matched the two of them perfectly: simple, one story, with a wide, wrap-around porch and ferns and wild flowers growing completely around it.

The two of us walked up to the first cabin, and lined across the top step were, I kid you not, a row of cowboy boots. They were like fingerprints: each slightly different from the next. I was starting to notice a trend. When we reached the top step of the porch, Olivia gave me a chance to unlock the front door with my new key. "Welcome home dear. Let's get you introduced!"

After I slid my key in the door, Olivia called out, "Hello?"

From inside, I heard multiple people reply.

"Olivia!"

"In here!"

"Come on in!"

The living room of this cabin was like a miniature version of the main lodge but frat house style: the same beautiful furniture but this time draped with coeds; the same decadent wood paneled walls but in place of the artwork there were movie posters; instead of a pot-bellied stove there was a... keg? _Where am I? Animal House meets Hey Dude?_

"Carson picked up a Two-Four and a couple of forty pounders at the beer store. It's a nice night for a Canadian, eh? But we've got a Mickie in there if you like. We all say it's time you and Nox came and had a night with us and worked on your Molson muscles! The Canucks are playing the Rangers, no better excuse, eh?" said a stringy looking girl with shoulder length strawberry blond hair. And then she turned and noticed me. "Hey Olivia, who y'got there? A Gorby or a Yank?"

I felt like she was speaking a different language... This place was only a full day's drive north of La Push. I might as well have been in Russia for all I understood of what she said. I heard someone cough something that sounded like "keener" which garnered the five twenty-somethings each a chiding glance from Olivia. Then she sternly replied, "Neither. And thank you for the offer, but no, Emma. Nox and I will not be joining you tonight."

"Okay, okay. Just thought I would ask."

"This is Leah. Leah, this is Jillian, Luke, Emma, Charlotte, and Carson. Jillian and Luke are our two riding instructors, Emma takes care of our horses, Charlotte is the children's program director and Carson is sort of our resident jack-of-all-trades. He takes groups on hikes and canoe and mountain bike outings and instructs fishing classes. Guys, Leah will be picking up the slack in the stables through the winter. Hopefully, she'll stay with us after that. I'll leave you all to get to know each other." With that, Olivia gave me a one-armed hug and abandoned me in the shark tank.

I tried to plaster on my friendliest face but I'm not sure if I succeeded.

"Hey, what's up?"

To that Luke responded, "Christ, I'm going to go rock a piss."

With her nose turned up at Luke, Emma started with the twenty questions, "So, where're you from?"

"La Push, Washington."

"How old are you?"

"Nineteen."

"Excellent, you can make trips to the beer store. What brings you to the ranch?" she asked just as Luke walked back in the room and let out a large belch.

"Could you all stop being hosers, eh? It's nice to meet you Leah, I'm Jillian. Can I get you a Canadian?" She rose to shake my hand and I found that she had waist-long, stick-straight black hair, just like mine used to be. She and Carson had a similar complexion to Nox while Emma, Charlotte, and Luke looked as white bread as you get before you turned vamp.

"Err.." was all I could manage to get out before the room burst out in laughter. _Great. So I'll just be the punch-line for the next year till I get the hang of this. Just wonderful. _

"Cheechaku, a Canadian is just a beer. It's a Molson. You want one? You can't root for the Big Blue without a Canadian in hand," Carson explained.

"Ok, I'll take one. But you have to explain to me what the heck you are all talking about." Everyone laughed again but they did explain to me their foreign language.

That night, on top of what a toque and Canadians were, I learned 'Cheechaku' and 'Gorby' both mean foreigner (the latter being the derogatory of the two), a Yank is an American, a Hoser is a jerk, a Keener is a brown noser, to Rock a Piss is Luke's way... Well I'm sure you got that one, a Two-Four is a twenty-four pack of beer that they really do buy at a "Beer Store", a Forty Pounder is a 40 ounce, and a Mickie is a pint of liquor. These Canadians really liked to drink on their days off. Luckily I was legal up here at 19 so I would be able to make my fair share of beer runs. There was a beat up old truck that we could use when we needed to go into town, and Carson had his own Jeep, and Emma had a newer Honda, not that I really ever expected a ride from her.

Oh, and a bathroom isn't a bathroom. I figured that out fast. It's a washroom. It was also down the hall and to the right.

My room, like all the girls' rooms, was upstairs. I was the second on the left, across from Jillian and next to Charlotte. Luckily, Emma, the one that didn't seem to warm up to me during the game, was down the hall a bit. She didn't seem to fit in with all the others: I got the impression that she was only here to piss off her uppity parents.

After the game, Canucks lost, 1-2, everyone headed to their respective rooms. I heard a quiet knock at my door. It was Jillian, the other... Native American... Canadian? Indian?_ I'm not sure of the P.C. term for that one. Maybe one day I'll ask._ She came in with a pair of pajamas and a clean pair of jeans and a flannel shirt. "I figured you would want to change out of your travel clothes, and I thought maybe you would want someone to talk to. Maybe?" She seemed nice enough, but how exactly do I explain how I just showed up in the middle of No-Where, Canada with little more than the clothes on my back, a 'knapsack' as they say, and a few bucks to my name. Yeah, not happening.

"Come on in, thanks for the clothes."

"I can take you into town tomorrow for some stuff. You said you had a little money and the hyas muckamuck isn't going to let you go without," she said with a giggle in her voice.

"High ass Muck uh Muck? That's a new one."

"Hyas muckamuck, it means, the big boss, the head honcho," Jillian said, still giggling.

Gotcha. Nox," I said in realization.

"Oh no, I mean Olivia. She may play concierge, and sit up at her little desk, but she totally wears the pants when it comes to Nox. He is totally and completely devoted to her," she said with a smile overflowing with obvious admiration. "So... Do you want to tell me how you happened to end up in the middle of Nowhere, during a pretty decent snow, by yourself, wearing holey jeans and runners? Er, 'tennis shoes'," she asked with an innocent curious expression on her face.

"Not exactly. It's kind of... complicated," I replied honestly. "But I would love to go shopping with you in the morning," I said, not-so-inconspicuously avoiding her question.

"Not a problem. You'll come around, or you won't. I'll wake you up in the morning. It will have to be kinda early so that we can get back early enough for me to show you the stables. So how about seven?"

It was almost midnight. _Wow, seven whole hours of sleep._ That never happened back at the Rez when I was doing patrols. I usually got five hours a night. At the most. "That sounds great. Thanks Jillian," I responded, earnestly. Though, I was a little ashamed that I couldn't open up with her, she seemed genuine.

Then Jillian walked out of my room and I finally had a chance to get a look at it. Opposite the door, there was a small twin bed with a large window on either side. The comforter was dark blue and hunter green flannel, and it matched the curtains that were each tucked behind large wooden knobs that matched the ever-present wood paneling. Next to the door was a wooden dresser with a large mirror behind it. Against the right-facing wall was a large trunk with a handmade quilt on top. The opposing wall was home to a deep green love seat. It didn't inspire entertaining that the average couch would have, instead, it made me think of alone time I could spend, curled on that couch with a book, or just my thoughts looking at the view out my windows. Speaking of the view out my windows, at that moment, Olivia and Nox were walking, hand in hand, towards the cabin at the edge of the woods. Almost as if they knew I was thinking of them, they turned and looked towards the staff cabin and Olivia waved towards my window. Before I could decide whether I wanted to return the gesture, she turned around and entered her home behind Nox.

I pulled my drapes closed, changed into my loaner pj's, and huffed down onto the bed. I pulled my bag off of the floor and grabbed one of the few things I managed to fit in there: my ipod. I knew it was a fairly extravagant 'necessity', but if I was ever going to get my wolf under control I needed to relax and music was one of the things that helped me to do just that. So I had my ipod and my charger. End of discussion.

I turned it on and pressed shuffle and closed my eyes to say a little prayer. It had been years since I had said prayers before my bedtime, but I just felt like I should say something, for my mom, and Seth, and Jake.

Then I put the headphones in my ears and I heard Dave Matthews sing to me, "Stay beautiful, baby; I hope you stay, American baby."

And I cried. Everything I had been holding in for the past few weeks I let out right then, with the words of that simple, unadulterated song. Unintentionally, everything about that one line was so ironic to me because in just one night, it was evident that Canada would try its damnedest to change me if I let it. It would change my mannerisms, my dialect, my slang, and dear God willing: my appearance. If I could refrain from phasing, I could age. I could grow. I could mature. The sound of the guitar and sax and drums sang me to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: The song is 3x5 by John Mayer. I love his imagery in the song: "Mountains in the sky next to mountains anyway."**

**I don't own Twilight or any of its characters.**

**This is the fully edited version posted on Twilighted(dot)net**

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**3x5**

The next day I went shopping with Jillian in Kamloops. The next seven months I spent shoveling horse crap, feeding chickens, replacing salt licks for the deer, gassing snowmobiles in the winter, and oiling saddles in the spring. I had been phasing at least a few times a week, mostly out of habit, until about a month ago. No one had asked questions when I went on long walks at dusk. I guess they figured if I could take care of myself enough that I got myself there in the first place, I could get myself back. But then I made the conscious decision to do what I went there to do: stop phasing.

At first, I had to fight the urge tooth and nail. I had a short fuse, and one wrong word could have my fists balled and arms shaking.

I still kept in contact with Jake, Seth and my mom. Through our pack connection, the boys knew that I was safe and sound on acres and acres of rolling hills in the middle of the Canadian wilderness. It took a little more than that to convince Sue that I wasn't living in an alley in Vancouver, so she got physical proof in the form of pictures of Siwash. One of my first purchases was a camera with which I took dozens of snapshots of sunsets, snow-dusted cabins, and trotting horses. I always printed doubles.

The boys were preparing for the move to Dartmouth; my mom was debating a move to Forks. I wasn't sure which move would be more drastic.

At first the horses didn't exactly like me, with me being a predator and them prey and all that, but eventually they warmed up to me. I even got pretty good at riding by the end of that first six months. Emma was the first to leave. I didn't know the details as to whether she quit or was fired, but that was my first promotion. My new job was to keep the horses clean, healthy, and fed, AND to shovel their crap, at least until Nox could hire a new kid to take over that job. He said it wouldn't take long. Either way, the extra money would be nice. All the talk from Jake and Seth about school had me thinking about taking some classes online. A few extra bucks could help pay for a class or two. There was a computer set up in what normally would have been a dining room in our cabin. I didn't want to brush horses for the rest of my life.

One morning, a Wednesday about mid June, I woke up and decided it was about time for another haircut. I reached into my toiletries bag and pulled out my scissors. I had my iPod playing John Mayer. There was something about the sound of his voice and his guitar that just matched the wilderness. I know he usually wrote about the city, but you couldn't deny his bluesy feel.

My hair was just starting to tickle my neck, and that's how I knew it was time for a trim. The back and sides I kept as long as the thickness of my fingers, just so that it was uniform. The top was a different story. I would play with it sometimes. That day I kept it a little longer and used some of the product Jillian recommended to make it a faux hawk. It was badass.

Since it was a Wednesday, my day off, I figured I would throw on some cargo shorts and a tee and go for a walk. An actual walk, not an "I'm going for a walk so that I can phase" walk. I was a tiny bit proud of myself for resisting the urge. I walked out my door and down the stairs. Before I made it outside, I stole a quick sip of Jillian's double-double, a coffee with two creams and two sugars. She objected, but only in jest; we had become fairly close. I desperately hoped she would not be the next to leave, but I knew that she was fairly close to her family and she missed them.

Outside, it smelled like wild grass, the previous night's rain, mild sunshine, and fresh-cut lumber. The only one out of the ordinary was the fresh lumber. Everything around the ranch from the jeans to the boots to the saddles was old and well worn in. Nox liked things rustic, or maybe that was Olivia. The further away from the cabin I walked the more I could smell it, and along with it, I caught a whiff of a familiar, musky scent. This smell was similar to that of slow cooked venison, sunflower seeds, and Johnson & Johnson Baby Shampoo. It would always be my little secret that I knew Carson used baby shampoo, but I couldn't deny that he had gorgeous black locks.

I didn't see him until I walked over a small hill at the opposite end of the ranch from the staff quarters, but I could hear him grunting and the smack of wood against wood well before I saw him. His beat up old Jeep was pulled up next to a portion of fence with a couple dozen boards hanging out the back with a plastic red flag stapled to one. He was attempting to repair some dry-rotted boards of the spit rail fence, sans shirt. The fence was there to give the men the illusion of 'free roaming horses' and Carson was there to give the women a completely different illusion. No need for bets on which brought back more return customers.

I liked spending time with Carson almost as much as I did Jillian. He wasn't conversationally demanding like most people, yet he stimulated that desire to be with people that was part of the wolf's social nature. It certainly didn't hurt that he was easy on the eyes, and it always seemed as if he was emotionally unavailable. That worked for me, because I was definitely in the same boat.

Jillian told me once that he came here a couple of years ago to escape a heartbreak from a woman of his past. Sounded to me like she was trying to make up the vaguest story possible to assign to him.

That day, he was wearing his long hair, which I noticed had a slight red/gold sheen to it in the sun, up in a pony tail at the back of his head, but the bottom half was cut almost to a buzz.

"So what's up with the new do?" After the question escaped my mouth, a magnificent smile spread across his. I think I would have been able to count every single one of his pearly white teeth. It was as if I was missing out on some ingenious idea that only he was privy to.

"During the summer I cut the back to keep my neck cool, but keep the rest long so that if I go home my family will not know," he said with a smirk. "I let it grow back in the fall. You would not have noticed, Cheechako."

"Hey! Enough with the name calling. I was considering helping you..." I trailed off with eyebrows raised.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. But you really don't have to help me. Isn't today your day off?"

"Maybe. Yes. I was just going for a walk. A little bit of work with some company sounds better to me than a walk without."

"Suit yourself, Leloo," he said in nearly a whisper. I wasn't sure if he intended for me to hear it.

"What was that? I know most of the names you all call me, but that one is a new one."

"It is only a nickname," he quickly responded.

"Whatever. Let's get to work."

With that, we set to work rebuilding a stretch of fence maybe fifty feet long with only a few more words between us. It was a relaxing, companionable silence. He did not comment on my strength or the speed at which we were able to accomplish the task at hand. Few people did after my first week at Siwash.

By the time we finished, it was well after lunch time. Carson had been eyeing the direction of the cabin for at least thirty minutes. "Well, I'm going to head back to the cabin, try to find something to eat. You want to join?"

As hungry as I was, I was more curious about this Leloo word. "Actually, I was thinking about heading over to the stables. Maybe take Tenas out. I'll catch up with you later though."

I excused myself and went to find Jillian. She did not know as much Chinook as Carson, but I was hoping that she knew this much. A few seconds later, I heard Carson's engine turn over and then saw him drive down the fence line towards the cabin.

I hadn't seen Jillian since my stolen sip of coffee that morning, so the first place I went to look was the barn. I did not see her in any of the stalls, and when I climbed the ladder to the hay loft, she wasn't there either. It was then that I lamely remembered that I should have checked the safety log first.

Jillian and Luke were our resident riding instructors. Every time they took a group out, they took cell phones and radios, but when you added together horses, inexperienced riders, middle-of-nowhere shoddy reception, and accident prone groups of corporate desk jockeys... you needed to know where to look for the bodies if nobody came home at night. Hence, the safety log.

Jillian was on one of the trails I knew fairly well to the Northwest with a group of six trust fund kids. Chances were they had requested her specifically, and that meant they wouldn't mind if I tagged along too.

I walked over to my favorite horse's stall. She was categorized as 'Dark Bay.' She had a black tail and mane along with black extremities, but her body was a dark reddish brown. The line of her back and neck was a lighter tan color due to sun-bleaching. She looked like old, well-tanned leather. She was believed to be some sort of thoroughbred mix. My little mutt. Her name was Tenas. It meant Child. I was told she was named such because of her size; she would always look like a foal. She was a smallish horse, built for speed. I had taken to riding her at night when I had the urge to run instead of phasing. Most of the guests preferred the slower, larger horses, and Tenas was too fast for the children to play with. They had the ponies. This basically left Tenas in my custody. She only answered to me and few others. We had an "excellent bond," as Olivia called it.

I quickly brushed out Tenas and saddled her. She wasn't exactly the most patient of horses. Once she could tell I was taking her out, she became restless, eager to run through the trees and streams and over the hills. She was never afraid to get a little messy. I couldn't tell at the time, but looking back, I think Tenas was healing me then.

As soon as we were ready, we were out the door and gone. The day hadn't spoiled a bit since the morning. It was a perfect seventy degrees with giant mountains of cumulonimbus clouds gliding aimlessly through cerulean blue skies. It was so bizarre to me that being further north of my childhood home, it was always so much sunnier and warmer in Siwash. Nox explained it to me once, something about rain shadow location, steppe climate, yadda yadda.

It didn't take long to catch up to Jillian. The trust fund boys must have been trying to drag out their afternoon; they were only a few miles off the trailhead.

"Afternoon, boys. You aren't giving Jillian here a hard time, are you?"

"Guys, this is Leah. She's in charge of the stables. I, however, thought she had the day off," announced Jillian with a huff in her voice. I wasn't sure if her irritation was aimed at me or the boys.

"Sheesh, what is it with everybody not wanting me to work today? I just thought I would give you a little company. You mind? I figured that if I started shadowing you on my days off, maybe when Luke finally quits, I can take his job." I smiled conspiratorially.

Jillian looked at me skeptically but didn't say anything else about why I had ridden all the way through that trail just to follow her around for the next two hours as we made our way to the hidden river canyon. Tenas ambled resignedly for the first thirty minutes that we walked with the group, but after about forty-five, she was chomping at the bit to stretch her legs, and I could deny her no longer.

"Well, I'll meet you there," was all I could get out before Tenas took off like a bat out of hell. I didn't need to lead her. She knew the land better than I ever would. She had lived here all her life. I could feel her sinewy muscles move under my legs, but for all that she jostled me, I might as well have been riding in a luxury car on a highway. A short time later, we reached the canyon, and I dismounted. I took off her bridle and reins so that she could drink freely from the river. I knew she wouldn't wander far.

I took a seat near the river bank and awaited the group's arrival. Tenas's show must have inspired the bunch because they came through the edge of trees no more than thirty minutes after we did, and the rate they were going earlier, it should have taken them another forty-five minutes on top of that. Jillian dismounted and walked towards me while the boys, one with a considerable limp, walked their horses towards the small waterfall.

"The Birthday Boy didn't want to be shown up by a girl, and we would have just about met you here, but the nerdy one cooked it when he fell off. At least he got back on though, eh?" asked Jillian as she sat next to me.

Before getting halfway to the waterfall, the one with the limp adjusted his trajectory and decided it would be a better course of action to sit close to Jillian and myself. He was decidedly the nerdy one of the bunch.

"I guess I shouldn't have brought Tenas out if I was going to poke around with you all afternoon," I observed.

"Probably not, but I really don't think you came out here to poke around with me all afternoon." _How was she so observant?_ "Leah, why don't you just say what you came out here to say to me. Get it off your chest. You'll feel better, promise."

"Erm..." I hesitated, not really knowing how to ask my question without making Jillian suspicious. "What does 'Leloo' mean? I ran across it and it has been bugging me and I felt weird just coming out here and asking you what a word means but I didn't have anything better to do."

Trying to appear casual, I looked over at Tenas. She was nibbling on a few longer pieces of grass. As if she could tell that I was looking at her, she shivered her shoulders and looked up at me. I could almost hear her thinking, _Is it time to go yet_? I smiled at her in response, and she walked back towards the river.

"I'm not sure. It's not a word I'm familiar with. I could ask Carson if you like."

"No, no. That's alright. I'll just look it up on the internet or something when I get back. I don't know why I didn't think of that before," I mumbled that last bit. _Really, how did I not think of that before_, I thought.

"You know, I could probably help," the limping nerd suggested.

"You could help, eh?" Jillian asked.

"Sure, in my saddle bag I have a _History of The Pacific Northwest and Chinook Jargon_," he responded surprisingly. He then proceeded to stand back up, pull a book out of the left saddle bag, and unceremoniously flop back down on the ground, favoring his left leg all the while. "I figured if I was going to spend a week up here, I should know a little about the place. Did you know the name of this place means 'drunken, no-good Indian?' "

"You don't say?" I asked

"Sure, now what was that word again? Leloo? L-E-L-O-O? Let's see here."

He flipped a few pages, and my stomach started to turn summersaults. Why was I so excited to know what Carson's nickname for me meant? I hadn't had a nickname since... Well, since Sam had given me one. As quickly as that thought arose, I shoved it back down to its hiding place. This was not the time or place to delve into those kinds of thoughts.

The nerd cleared his throat to get my attention.

"It means wolf."


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: In The Sun is a beautiful song by Joseph Arthur. I can imagine it as being from both Leah and Carson's point of view...**

**I don't own Twilight**

**This is the fully edited version posted on Twilighted(dot)net**

* * *

In The Sun

My stomach wasn't turning summersaults anymore. It was just turning. My mind was reeling. Could it be a coincidence? Could he know? No. That wouldn't be possible. Would it?

"Okay, cool. Thanks, man. Well, Jillian, I'll leave you with the guys and head back. I haven't had any lunch yet, so I should probably do that. I'll see you for dinner."

"Alright, see you then," Jillian responded.

It was all I could do to keep myself from running over to Tenas. I wanted to get back to the barn as quickly as possible. I gave a shrill whistle and Tenas walked out of the water and over to me. We ran home as swiftly as possible. I'm not sure whether it was the sun on my back or my anxiety that had me sweating. Hopefully, with the good run, Tenas would go easily back into her stall without a fight.

She did and I was grateful. The first thing I needed to do was talk to Olivia. I needed to apologize and let her know I would be leaving and tell her where to forward my last check. I knew she would be disappointed in me, and I would miss her.

As I walked across the shaggy, unkempt grass, I couldn't think of a single explanation for her that she wouldn't see as either immature or weak. I took the stairs to the front door of the lodge three at a time, eager to tell Jake that I would be home soon, even if it would only be for a few days.

When I walked through the front door Olivia was in her usual position behind her desk. Her hair was in a high bun and she had a bright, excited smile fixed on her face. However, when she took in my anxious expression, hers changed to one of worry.

"Can I talk to you for a second, Liv?"

"Of course, dear. Is something wrong?"

"Everything's okay," I said less than enthusiastically. "I just need to take off for a while."

"Why? What happened? Is everything alright with your mother?"

Why hadn't I thought of that before? I could appeal to her maternal side. She couldn't argue with that.

"Yeah, she - uh - got in a car wreck. She'll be on crutches for a while, so, yeah. So I'm going to head back and help her out for a while."

"What about your brother? Couldn't he take care of her?" Olivia asked.

"Well, uh, he wouldn't really be comfortable helping her in the bathroom and stuff."

She paused, and with a smirk said, "You're a terrible liar."

"What do you mean?" I asked incredulously.

"You're running away because you're scared," Olivia stated, rather matter-of-factly.

"You don't know what you're talking about. I'm not scared of anything. And I'm definitely not running away. Bu-what are you talking about, anyway?"

"I'm talking about the conversation between you and Carson today that had you so freaked out that you flew Tenas all the way to the canyon just to get away from him. You want to tell me about it, eh?"

"No, I don't, Liv. I need to go. Maybe I'll be back. Tell everyone I said goodbye. Send my check to my mom."

And with that I left. I didn't let her say anything else. I didn't want to know what Carson had or hadn't told her. I needed to get to the woods.

I walked out of the lodge's front door but immediately walked to the back of the building where it touched the line of trees. I ran faster than the average human speed I had been restraining myself to, and about a mile into the woods I stripped. I hid my clothes behind a log and phased but I was alone. Jake and Seth were in their human form. I would have to wait.

I ran the only direction that wasn't perforated with riding trails, due north. Luckily it didn't take more than an hour for Seth to phase. He felt my distress and before I could express that I needed him to get Jake, he started howling and running at top speed. Then I felt Jake's mental signature. He always felt heavy to me when we were in pack mentality and now that he was concerned for my brother's well-being and had just phased on the fly, the weight of his presence, combined with my own fear, brought me to the ground.

_What's wrong? _They both asked in unison. Seth was somewhere between La Push and Forks and I could see the river behind the Cullen's house through Jake's eyes. Edward and Emmett were quickly approaching Jacob, searching the surrounding woods for any signs of danger.

To their question, I had no one, single answer. I was so overwhelmed by emotion and fear that I couldn't form a coherent thought. I had been holding every emotion inside since my first night at Siwash, and now it was crushing me. Instead, I just went through the events of the day in quick succession. Each time, I would focus longer and longer on the moment that Carson said, "Leloo." On the way he slid his hand along the back of his neck, on the way he looked down and away from me when he said it, on the way he mumbled the words as if he thought I couldn't hear.

_Hahaha. Leah, Leah. Calm down, _Jake requested.

How can you tell me to calm down? He knows! Carson knows about me. He must have seen me one night when I went out running. I have to come home.

_Leah, will you take a second to look at this through our eyes? _This time it was Seth that answered me with a laughing tone.

Through their mind I saw my memories, but it did nothing to quell my anxiety. _What is it? This isn't exactly funny. This is an emergency! Why do you two not see that?_

_Because, Leah. Okay, just focus at his face after he called you Leloo. Now think about his face before he called you Leloo, _Jacob requested.

Okay, I fail to see your point.

_If he was upset about you being a werewolf, his face wouldn't have changed. He would have looked upset before AND after he said that. I'd be willing to bet he has no idea. He was flirting with you, _Jacob said, like it was the most obvious thing.

_Uh, yeah, Leah. He was totally flirting with you, _my brother agreed. By this time he had caught up with Jacob at the Cullen's house and Edward and Emmett had obviously figured out there was no immediate danger in the vicinity.

How could he have been flirting with me? Are you saying this is a coincidence?

_I'm not sure if it was a coincidence or not, but don't freak out over something that we are not sure is a big deal_. _He obviously meant no harm, and if he hasn't told anyone else, then I see no reason for you to leave, _Jacob reassured me.

I'm not sure. I still think I should come home. He might know something and the faster I leave, the less of a chance he has to learn more.

_No, Leah, you should stay. Just to find out what he knows, _Jacob said. It wasn't a command. Jake wouldn't order me to stay away. Well, he might, but this felt a lot like an order.

_Whatever, Jake. I won't come home if you don't want me there. But I'm not staying here. _I had been circling back towards the spot I stashed my clothes since the conversation with Jake started. Once I had said that I was leaving, I phased and changed back into my clothes. I didn't want to give him the chance to lecture me.

I jogged back towards the ranch and then parallel to the edge of the woods until I reached the closest point to the staff cabin. No doubt, news of my departure would have spread like wildfire, and I wanted to make sure I could do this with the least number of witnesses possible. I made it to the front door without being seen and, once inside, I released an exasperated sigh. I didn't want to leave. I really liked it here, but in my mind, I didn't have another option. I could hear one of the girls humming and whistling in the kitchen. It sounded like Charlotte. _At least someone was happy to see me go. _As quietly as possible, which is nearly silent for a werewolf, I crept across the living room and made my way up the stairs to my room.

Once inside, I started throwing all of my possessions on the bed. I would have to prioritize instead of just taking everything. My doggie knapsack would only hold a few things. In my head, I went over all of the things I would take, _iPod: check, charger: check, jeans: check, tennis shoes: check, underwear: check-_

"Were you even going to say goodbye?"

I gasped and when I turned around, a hurt-looking Carson was leaning in my doorway. "I told Olivia to tell everyone goodbye for me," I said as I turned back to the task at hand.

"She did, that's why I've been waiting for you to come back to pack your stuff. I was starting to think you were going to just leave everything. Why are you leaving? Where are you going?"

"I told Olivia, I'm going home. My mom was in a wreck. She needs me."

"Yeah, Olivia said that too. She also said you were lying through your teeth, and I think she was right."

I threw my pre-paid phone into my bag and turned to face Carson again. He hadn't changed his position, but now he had a smug look on his face. I let out a sigh; well, it was more of a huff. Through clenched teeth I explained, "Carson, I just... I can't do this right now. I need to leave."

Instantly his vainglorious expression changed to one of repentance. "I am sorry if I upset you today. It was not my intention." He shoved his hands in his pockets and looked down at his boots.

_What the heck is happening right now? He is apologizing for upsetting _me_?_ I thought to myself."I really don't know what you're talking about," I lied.

He looked up at me with confusion in his eyes. Watching all of the emotions cross his face was like watching a Spanish soap opera; he wore his emotions right out on his sleeve. "You heard my nickname for you today. You didn't seem bothered earlier, but now you obviously are. Please don't lie to me, Leah; you're terrible at it. I know your mother wasn't in a wreck."

His intentions seemed innocent enough, and it didn't seem as if he knew anything. _Maybe Jacob was right_, I thought to myself. _Maybe I need to figure out what he knows before I leave_. "Why 'Leloo'?"

"Because it fits you. You have a fierce temper when something doesn't go how you want it to, but you try your best to hide it. You have hidden strength that one wouldn't immediately think of just looking at you. The way you run, you have an almost animalistic grace about you; I don't think I've seen you trip once in all the time that you have been here. You are loyal to a fault, to Jillian and Olivia and Nox as if they were your own family, and even though you came here to learn to be on your own, you can't help but call your mother at least twice a week, just to check on her. Like you want to protect her even though she is the mother and you are the daughter." His smug expression was firmly fixed back on his face by the end of his little speech. I didn't understand how he could know so much about me. The confusion must have been evident on my face because he let out a quiet chuckle. "And with your name being Leah, it's kind of a play on words."

"How do you know all that about me?"

At my question he took a step closer to me."Because from the moment you first walked in the door seven months ago, you have demanded my attention." It seemed that Jacob was right on two counts: not only did he not know that when I wasn't walking around on two feet, I was furry and walking around on four, but he had also been flirting with me earlier in the day.

His words made my cheeks hot with blush, but this wasn't right. I was relieved that he didn't know, but was this any better? I had nothing to offer a man like Carson. He deserved someone that wasn't broken. Someone that wasn't a mythological creature. Someone that, given he somehow got over the preternatural stuff, he could have a life with, a family with.

I couldn't be any of those things. I felt a lump grow in my throat. I looked down at my feet. "Carson, I can't." I couldn't force any more words out.

He took another step closer to me. He took my face in his rough, callused hands and gently pulled it up, and with kind eyes told me, "Yes, yes you can, Leloo, but I will court you slowly."

He released my face and I quickly went back to looking at the floor. He sighed and took hold of my cheeks again. His thumbs were just below the corners of my eyes and his long fingers found my fringe of hair. Once I met his eyes, he smiled, and in that moment, it hit me just how beautiful he was. His wide nose balanced out his thick lips and strong jaw. He had an oval shaped face, made to look even more so by his thick, Johnson & Johnson, baby soft hair that framed his face. An errant thought realized that he must have taken it down since this morning, because now it fell down his chest, shoulders, and back.

"I know that you are from the Quileute Reservation in Washington. Do you know where I'm from?" he asked me, his eyebrows innocently raised with his question. I shook my head in his hands, still unable to force any more words to cross my voice box. "I am of the T'sou-ke tribe."

Before he could finish, I realized what he meant and my eyebrows shot up my forehead in shock. He was from Sooke. As the bird flies, it was the closest point in Canada from La Push. Just across the Strait of Juan de Fuca, the body of water separating the Olympic Peninsula and Port Angeles from Vancouver Island.

"We've lived our entire lives so close together and we end up-"

But I cut him off before he could finish his statement, suddenly overcoming my muteness with my revelation. "Six-hundred and seventy-five miles away from home." My admittance left a quizzical look on his face. "My mom likes to remind me." I explained sheepishly. It was true, she wasn't happy that her daughter was nearly seven-hundred miles away from home.

He smiled, released my face, and decided to complete his previous statement. "We end up six-hundred and seventy-five miles away from home, living in the same house. It was written in the stars that we would meet."

"How do you know where I'm from?" It should have felt a little creepy to know that he looked into my past but I knew he did not do so with malicious intent.

"Well, the first night you were here you said you were from La Push. So I asked Olivia about you and I did some research of my own. That's another reason for the nickname. Your legends say that you are descendant from wolves. It's a pretty good nickname, I think. It couldn't fit you more perfectly," he stated, very matter-of-factly, like he was proud of himself for the accomplishment.

We stood facing each other in silence for a full minute. We each searched the other's face for some sign that this was right or wrong. He must have seen something in mine that gave him confirmation because his face softened. Before I could decide for myself whether this was wrong or right, he moved his left hand to the back of my neck and his right to my biceps, holding me firmly in place; he knew I would want to back away. Then he leaned down and placed a delicate, chaste kiss on my lips. The contrast, more than the kiss, shocked me. While I had no answer before, the kiss told me that this was right: he was willing to tread lightly with me, without handling me with kid gloves.

I grabbed the sides of his shirt, pulled him to me, and pressed my forehead to his chest. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed the crown of my head. "Please don't leave," he requested in a low rough voice.

I whispered, "Okay."


	4. I Will Possess Your Heart

**A/N: "****I Will Possess Your Heart" is one of my personal favorite songs by Death Cab For Cutie. Every piece of this song screams Carson to me. His patience, his love, his devotion. For those wondering, the Carson I imagine looks like Rick Mora. Google it, ladies!**

**I don't own Twilight. Carson is all my invention.**

**This is the fully edited version posted on Twilighted(dot)net**

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I Will Possess Your Heart

_Never leave me, Naika Leloo_, my heart wanted to demand, but logic reminded me that the Cheechako was a skittish creature. _You must be patient: ask her; do not tell her_. "Please, don't leave," pleaded.

I knew I couldn't _tell _Leah to do anything; she would never be treated as a man's indulgence. If I were to tell her what to do, she would simply do the opposite. She would always be in control of the situation.

With her head still pressed to my chest, she whispered two syllables that made my heart soar and my mind wander with possibilities: "Okay."

The day had not started out promising in any way. The first task on my agenda was to replace a stretch of fence that had dry rotted. That meant I had to pick up lumber from the general store, and that meant I would be leaving the ranch for part of the morning. I didn't like leaving the ranch. If I left, there was no chance I could steal a glimpse of the Cheechako. At least if I was at the ranch, there was a slim chance.

After I returned with the lumber, I set about repairing the fence. I slammed the boards together; I was irritated. I knew it was childish, but I felt as though my day hadn't started yet, because I hadn't seen her.

I hadn't been at work even fifteen minutes before she walked up behind me. Leah. _My Leah. Naika Leloo. _Well, she wasn't _my wolf_, but I longed for that to be the case.

She asked about my hair. She hadn't been at the ranch to know that I shaved the back every year. I think I would shave it all if it wasn't for my grandfather's more traditional ways of thinking. _Maybe one day she will want to meet Grandfather._ I noticed that her hair was also different, but I couldn't bring myself to say so. I liked her spunky short hair. It fit her sharp, stunning features, but I often wondered what it would be like to run my fingers through her hair if it were long.

The smile she induced was instantaneous. I felt it covering my face, tugging at my eyes. She offered to help me with my repairs. I thought in that moment about how lucky I was that my heart chose an equal that my mind could admire. Patience would be the key to Leloo's heart. I would give Leloo whatever she desired, and one day I could call her Leloo out loud.

Oh, but I did say it out loud. I slipped. She heard. But she smiled. I think she even blushed a little, but she didn't say anything about it. I didn't either. If she were to ask, I would answer. I couldn't lie to her, but I wasn't ready to offer up the information myself. We spoke a few times about seemingly random things, but I hung on her every word.

She liked to read fiction, to get lost in another world. I told her I preferred historical novels or non-fiction. I didn't see it as a difference; I chose to maintain the view that we both could enjoy the calm and silence of a book. I could just as easily lose myself in the simpler times of our world. Well, I suppose that could be seen as another world.

When she spoke, I was distracted from my anxiety. But as soon as the silence returned, I was all agog and unglued. I tried my best to appear content with our silence. Usually the silence could settle between the Cheechako and myself comfortably. Not that morning.

When the job was complete, I desperately wanted to ask Leloo to remain with me a little while longer. I tried to play it off casually, saying, "I'm heading back to the cabin. Want to join?" or something else, equally inadequate along those lines. She declined, and I did my best not to drop my chin to my chest in a primary-grade-worthy pout.

I hopped into my Jeep and drove back to the cabin. I could see her in my rear view mirror, jogging towards the stables. She had said she wanted to take Tenas out. In essence, Tenas was _her_ horse. Leah was the only person to ride her with any regularity... or success, for that matter. But the reason she took Tenas out was typically to let off steam after a rousing argument with Luke or to just be alone. I wondered why she wanted to be alone right then.

I sat in my Jeep for a few extra seconds, feigning interest in something in my glove box, but really watching her run. Leloo could run amazingly fast, but appear barely to move. She didn't run like an Olympic athlete, stiff and jerky, though I'm certain she could give them a run for their money. She ran like a gazelle, like a wild cat, like a wolf. Just another reason for her nickname. I watched until she ran into the barn. After I turned off my Jeep, I could hear her banging around in the hay loft. Tenas would have already eaten by that time of day. _What was she doing up there?_

I walked into the cabin, still watching the doors to the barn. The window over the sink in the kitchen faced the barn, so I opened it, but I could no longer hear her clamoring around in the loft. I stood with my hands on the edge of the counter, one foot anxiously kicking the baseboard under the cabinets.

My mind told me that I wasn't this person, that I wasn't obsessive. I wasn't a stalker. She had said that she would 'catch up with me later.' That should be sufficient. I shouldn't fret about her every second of the day. But my heart told me to be worried. That something wasn't quite right.

Just as I convinced myself that I should go talk to her, I heard a sigh in the doorway. "I always hoped that one day you would look at me the way you look at her."

I turned to see Charlotte sitting in one of the chairs at the kitchen table. I had been so distracted with my thoughts and emotions that I didn't hear her walk in and sit down. I returned her sigh with one of my own. Charlotte had been vying for my attention from the day she moved in. I had been aware of it, but I couldn't return it. Not only did my heart have no interest in her, she couldn't challenge my mind. I loved children, but Charlotte spent every day with the kids that come into Siwash, and then she came back to the cabin and acted like one herself. She would rather drink herself into a stupor and stumble up to bed than have an intelligent conversation for once in her life.

"I know, I know. You don't have to tell me for me to know you'll never love me. It's just a shame she can't see that you love her."

"I don't love her, Charlotte." I didn't know if that statement was true, but not denying Charlotte's claim would be the same as affirming it to the entire ranch.

"You just keep telling yourself that. Maybe one day you'll believe it." I turned back to look out the window. "You should go to her. Tell her how you feel."

But just then, Leah and Tenas flew out of the barn like Death itself was chasing them. And in that moment I knew where she was going. She was heading North-West. She was heading to Jillian.

It wasn't in my job description, but I took it upon myself to know where our riding groups would be during the day. It had come in handy once or twice when a rider had fallen off and broken his leg or something. I knew Jillian was out with half a dozen college-aged boys that would like to think of themselves as men. _I should have followed her to the barn, stopped her._

"I can't. She's run off to the canyon. Charlotte, I have to go. Let me know when she comes back, please." I knew it was a lot to ask, but I had to ask her nonetheless.

"Okay," she acquiesced, "but how am I supposed to get a hold of you if I don't know where you are going?"

"I don't know; scream out the window, do a bird call, whistle. Anything. I just need to know when she walks through that door. Please, Charlotte," I begged. I knew, in her mind, it voided out my previous denial, but it didn't matter.

"I said alright. Just because I want you, doesn't mean I don't want you to be happy if you don't want me." Even convoluted as it was, it was the most mature thing I had ever heard Charlotte say. "You're still a friend, Carson. Now, go before I change my mind," she said with a sad smile. "If she's taking Tenas to the canyon, you can only count on about an hour and a half before she gets back. Hurry on."

Before I walked out the door, I placed my hand on Charlotte's shoulder. "Thank you."

Five minutes later, after pacing a hole in its porch, I opened the door to the lodge and walked straight to Nox's door. I knocked and waited with my arms akimbo and my head hung low.

From behind me yet again, I heard Olivia clear her throat. "He drove down to Kamloops while you were working on the fence. He thought about asking you to ride with him but since you've turned him down the last four times he's asked, he decided against it."

Even though her words were chiding, she smiled at me knowingly.

"You need to talk?" she asked, though with Olivia, it was always more of a statement than a question. Olivia was observant, like a good mother should be over her many children. She had probably known of my feelings for Leah long before I had. There was no point in holding back from her.

"Only if you have the time," I answered.

"O'le-man La-monti, you should know better. I have plenty of time for you. Come. Sit." She motioned towards the couches in front of the fire place as she stood and walked towards them as well. I sat next to her with my head in my hands. I had no reason to worry yet, but my heart told me to.

"You are in love." She said it so matter-of-factly, but I had to defend myself.

"I don't know. I am in infatuation. I am in great admiration. I don't know what I am," I answered honestly.

"You are falling in love and you are scared," Olivia said in a more consoling manner. She reached out and started rubbing small circles on my back. _Just like a mother, _I thought.

I sat up and looked at Olivia. "I am terrified."

She gave me a small, sideways smile. "Of course you are, O'le-man La-monti. You have found Yah-ka Klak'sta To-to Me-si'ka."

Her words made me smile. I told her about what transpired earlier that morning and she gave me some advice. She told me that whatever I had been doing wasn't working and that I needed to do whatever I hadn't been doing. It sounded like more of a riddle than advice to me. Then she told me to go back to the cabin and lie down, though I thought that was more to save her wood floors from my pacing than for actual advice.

After our talk, I walked, very slowly, back to the staff cabin. I found Charlotte in the kitchen, reading a magazine and drinking some coffee.

"Has she been back?"

"No, not yet," Charlotte replied without looking up from her article.

"I'm going to go lie down," I said walking back out of the kitchen and towards my bedroom.

"I'll let you know when she gets here."

While I was in my room, I tried to think of what Olivia had advised me, but I was drawing blanks. Leloo, hopefully, would be back soon, and I decided that I would tell her that the nickname didn't mean anything. The nickname was the only thing I could think of that would have upset Leah. I would tell her it was meaningless, and I would go back to my patient hunt.

An hour later I heard quick footsteps on the stairs to the girl's quarters. Without waiting for Charlotte's signal, I sprinted out of my room and took the stairs three at a time. However, when I opened the door to the Cheechako's room, I found Olivia sitting on the bed.

She looked at me, and with sad eyes, Olivia uttered the most devastating words I had ever heard, "She says she's leaving."

Ever the calm and collected one, I took a brisk walk around the room and several deep, calming breaths. "Why? Why did she _say_ she is leaving and why _is_ she leaving?"

"She _says_ she is leaving because her mother was in a car wreck, but I led her right into that one: I asked if her mother was alright. The real reason she wants to leave is that she is scared, just like you. As soon as I mentioned you, she got all flustered and ran out of there like I had lit her on fire. I thought I would find her here, so I don't know where she is."

I stopped my pacing and turned towards Olivia. "I can't let her go. I have to stop her."

"Yes, and you're probably the only one that can."

"I'll wait here for her."

Olivia rose to her feet, walked over to me, and put a hand on my cheek. "Don't let her leave. I like her very much. She needs you just as much as you need her. Don't forget that." Then she walked out the door and back down the stairs.

For a few minutes all I could do was stand there in the middle of the room. Then I sat on the bed, but that felt too intimate. So, I sat on the couch. I could only sit for a few minutes before I stood and leaned against her dresser. Then my legs grew restless; I tapped my feet in alternating rhythms. When tapping my foot wasn't enough to keep my restlessness at bay, I paced the floor.

By the time Jillian found me, I must have looked a wreck.

"Come on. Get out of this room. It's only going to make you worse. Come sit in mine. We'll have a talk." She waved me into her bedroom and onto her couch, but I still had the urge to pace. "Sit," she commanded when she saw I wasn't going to. I reluctantly sat.

I couldn't yet force myself to put my fears into words. For many reasons. I didn't know where Leah was; she might be trying to find me. It was also possible that her mother really had been in an accident, but both of those options were unlikely. The third reason was that I knew she didn't know how I really felt. She had no idea the reasoning behind my words that morning and I didn't know her emotional history either. And in that second, I knew what I had done wrong. I saw what I had been doing and what I hadn't been doing. I hadn't talked to her. The constant battle between my mind and my heart had always stopped me from telling her of my feelings. My heart told me it was time.

I jumped off of Jillian's couch. "I have to go find her."

Jillian stood from her bed and placed two firm hands on my shoulders. "No. Nobody knows where she is. I've asked. She's either out on one of her runs or she's already gone. If she's out on a run, you have a chance to stop her, _when she gets back_, but if she's already gone, she's gone. Charlotte is downstairs, she said she would 'signal' when Leah gets here, whatever that means. Sit back down. Let's talk."

I sat back down on the couch. She sat back down across from me on the bed.

"Why don't you want her to run?" Jillian asked.

"Because she was obviously running from something when she got here. She seemed to be getting better. She was smiling more, laughing more. I don't want her to lose that. I don't want to know that I ruined that."

"Couldn't hurt that you want her to stay, eh?" Jillian asked with a smile. Bless her, she was trying to lighten my mood.

I let her. "Couldn't hurt," I said, looking up at her with a small smile. It didn't last for long. "What did she say when she came to you?"

"When she first rode up, she was all smiles, made a couple of jokes. She told me she was there to shadow me, but after a bit, Tenas got antsy so Leah ran her out to the canyon to wait for us. When we got there she asked about some word. Leloo. I didn't know what it meant, but one of the guys had a book, he looked it up. It meant-"

"Wolf," I cut her off. "I called her that this morning."

"Well, that explains a lot. As soon as she found out what it meant she got spooked and brought Tenas back here."

_So she was fine with the thought of a nickname until she knew its meaning. What could that mean, _I thought to myself. To her, wolf would show that I had researched her background, that I knew her tribal history. "She doesn't like that I looked into her past. The Wolf plays a very important part in her tribal history."

"You know she won't talk about anything from before the day she walked into Siwash last winter. It's as if she didn't exist before that day. I know she told Olivia that day that she has a mom and a brother and she told Nox that her dad died a while before she came here. I know she has a friend named Jacob. I only know that because I overheard her talking to him one night and when I asked if he was her boyfriend, she made a face like she was going to puke. But that's literally all I know about the girl. So yeah, I'm sure looking into her past upset her. More than likely, something really crappy happened, and you're the last person she wants to know about it."

I pulled the tie out of my hair and ran my fingers through it. "What do I do?"

"You're good for her. Don't apologize for looking into her past. Somebody needed to do it. Tell-" but before she could finish, I heard Charlotte whistling downstairs, and I shot my hand out to silence her.

A minute later I heard Leah throwing things around her room. I slid out into the hall and shooed Jillian down the stairs. I leaned against the doorway and watched her toss all of her belongings onto her bed. I was hurt that she would try to sneak off without saying goodbye, and I said as much.

She gasped at my words and when she turned around I realized that Jillian and Olivia had been right: she was scared. I saw the lie in her eyes when she told me about her mother in La Push.

I called her bluff, and she stuttered out, "Carson, I just, I can't do this right now. I need to leave."

I knew I was going about it the wrong way, so I tried to apologize. Not for looking into her past, as Jillian had instructed, but for upsetting her. She denied having any knowledge of what I was talking about, and then I saw it. I saw that she wasn't just scared of the thought of a relationship. She was _afraid_ of _me_. So I wouldn't beat around the bush any longer. I laid all my cards out on the table and she seemed surprised by my honesty. It brought tears to both our eyes and a hot blush to her cheeks. It only made her more beautiful.

She said that she 'couldn't,' but I knew otherwise. I knew Leloo could do anything. I told her how it was fated that we would meet, and she seemed to agree.

Standing in her room, I looked at her square in the face. Whether intentional or not, she gave me permission by not denying me. Without being too rough, I firmly took hold of one arm and the back of her neck. Once I had her in my arms, I wanted to make sure she didn't leave until I said my piece.

I kissed Leloo and it was like breaking a long fast, like monsoon season after a drought. Like the Summer sun rising to melt the snow over a field of daisies after the harsh Winter.

I couldn't hold her close enough, tight enough. I asked her not to leave, and she said, "Okay."


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: This song is Incomplete by Alanis Morissette. (a Canadian) It is a hopeful song for Leah.**

**I want nothing more in life than to move within ten minutes of the Timmy Ho's at 100 Mille. **

**I do not own Twilight**

**This is the fully edited version posted on Twilghted(dot)net**

* * *

Incomplete

Olivia claimed that it was she that had matched Carson with myself. Nox nipped that in the bud immediately saying, "Even to a height of ten thousand feet, Olivia will always rise to the occasion." Olivia, who did not appreciate being called a braggart, ceased and desist with the verbal attacks and started with the snarky looks whenever she would catch the two of us together.

I came to understand that it was not emotional unavailability, but extreme patience, that plagued Carson. He kept to his word; he "courted me slowly". His words, not mine, but I couldn't deny how accurate they were. He was a patient hunter: waiting for me to come to him. Through the weeks, he became an excellent reader of body language. When we watched a movie on the couch, he would put his arm round my shoulders or waist, if I sat close enough; when we went out to the store, he would hold my hand, if my arms weren't firmly planted across my chest. That was the extent of our physical relationship: holding hands at the General Store.

The closest store was the 70 Mile General Store on Caribou Highway. There, we could buy anything from beer to groceries to bait and tackle to basic clothing necessities. It was about a forty minute drive from the ranch to the General Store. The General Store was also the local Greyhound bus stop. I "let it slip" to Charlotte one night that I rode the Greyhound from Washington and got off at 70 Mile. I told her that an older couple there had just left the ranch and told me all about their lovely trip and I decided to check the place out myself. It was a simple enough story, and it made its way around the ranch within a week. Everybody quit asking questions.

Before the courting process, I typically only left the ranch when Jillian promised we could stop at Tim Hortons up at 100 Mile. Being a girl from the Olympic Peninsula, I grew up on Starbucks. I quickly discovered that Starbucks didn't hold a candle to Timmy Ho's. _How a hockey player could give the world such a gift, I'll never know_. However, since the courting business came about, Carson and I had taken it upon ourselves to handle all of the trips to 70 Mile.

Going to the store, one of life's most mundane tasks, was quickly becoming the highlight of my week, for obvious reasons: I got to spend time alone, without prying eyes and ears, with Carson. We talked about First Beach and I told him how the stones of the fireplace in the lodge reminded me of the pebbles that lined the shore. We talked about how he came to work at Siwash. He explained to me that the T'sou-ke people decided many years ago to use technology to become more energy efficient and that now they have the largest solar energy system in British Columbia. I already knew that Siwash used solar power for one-hundred percent of its electricity. Carson told me that Nox had sponsored a few solar panels for the tribe and that is how he found out about Siwash. He had been at the ranch for around three years when I arrived, longer than any of the other activities related staff. Hence the lack of a factual back story. There was no sordid past or deranged ex-girlfriend. That was just Jillian's imagination left to run rampant.

It was during this conversation, about a month and a half after Carson kissed me, that he asked me how and why I came to Siwash. A moment after he finished his description of the solar grid in Sooke, Carson took a deep breath, adjusted his hands on the steering wheel, and quietly asked, "You weren't convinced to come here by that older couple were you?"

His eyes were wrinkled and his brow furrowed, as if he already knew the answer but didn't want to hear it. He had probably thought about asking me that exact question for months, and he felt like he could no longer avoid it. I decided long before that moment that I would never blatantly lie to Carson, but that didn't mean I could tell him all of my truths. "No, I wasn't," I said, looking out the space where his door should have been, watching the trees fly by.

"Well, are you going to tell me how you did come to be here, Leloo?" If only he had known that he already answered his own question.

"No, I'm not."

"Leah, you know you can tell me anything. I've known that your story was not exactly accurate. You didn't say anything about how you found Siwash until after your first trip to 70 Mile. You don't need to hide anything from me."

But I did. I did need to hide things from him. "Carson, I may not always be ready to tell you everything you want to know, but I will never lie to you. I know it is not exactly a compromise, but it is the best I have to offer to you right now."

At my admission, he gave me a sad smile but took my hand and kissed my knuckles and whispered, "Okay." After a few seconds he lowered our joined hands to rest on the gear shift and I heard him painfully whisper, "_Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies_." It was obvious that he didn't think I could hear him over the sound of the engine and the wind whipping past the doors. I reminded myself that it was better that I hurt him a little with my evasion of the truth than scare him away prematurely with full disclosure. As soon as the thought crossed my mind, I was instantly overwhelmed with guilt for hurting him and shame for being so selfish that I couldn't leave his side. He kept my hand in his the rest of the way to 70 Mile; he was showing me that he wasn't leaving and that I could trust him.

We resumed a lighter conversation once inside the store as if the conversation hadn't happened. I walked past an orange and red kayak and looked up at it in appreciation. I could imagine it gliding down a river, looking like the last sliver of sun before it sets. "Have you ever been kayaking?" Carson asked me.

"No, I haven't. I've always wanted to try it, though."

"Well, you know, 'Keeper of the Kayaks' is part of my job description. And I take groups out fairly regularly. I could teach you, if you like."

"Thanks Carson, I would like that." I felt my cheeks get hot at the thought of spending another one of our afternoons together. I was also excited about the thought of being out on the lakes and rivers with the beautiful man beside me. We didn't yet spend _all_ of our free time together, but more and more often I realized that Carson was requesting to spend his free time with me, and I found myself wanting to spend my free time with him. Sometimes, he even helped me in the barn on his days off. He called it returning the favor for me helping to replace the fence the morning of our first kiss, but it was obvious that we simply enjoyed spending time together. Apart from that morning's awkward moment in his Jeep, our time together was effortless.

We casually strolled around the store. He picked out what Nox needed, some all natural cleaning supplies and some fresh bait, and I picked out a new Pacific Trekking fleece jacket. Every once in a while the owner of 70 Mile would order a couple of cute items from the larger cities like Kamloops, Victoria, and Vancouver.

After paying for our purchases and picking up the mail from the P.O. box, Carson asked if I wanted to head up to Timmy Ho's. He knew I could never turn down a pumpkin doughnut and a double double. _He must be trying to butter me up for something, _I thought to myself. I desperately hoped that he wasn't going to attempt to ask me about my arrival at Siwash again.

Once we were situated in a booth, coffee and doughnuts in tow, he returned to light conversation. We made our way into a discussion of Canadian politics versus American politics. It was always in jest when we had these types of conversations. My typical argument was how impossible it was for me to take a woman seriously when she claimed to be a Viceroy, when all I could think of when I heard the word was either Nute Gunray or Bail Organa from Star Wars. I tried to explain that Jimmy Smits would make an excellent Viceroy, after playing one in two live action Star Wars films and one that was animated, but I was cut off with a mocking glare from Carson.

"Come on! The man adopted Princess Leia and had to put up with her pre-badass, drama queen attitude for like twenty years! He can totally take on Canada," I said with a laugh, and Carson joined me.

"When was the last time you made it down to Kamloops, Leloo?" he asked with a smile that still lingered on his thick lips.

"I don't know. I don't think I've been further away from Siwash than this in at least three months." I didn't know why he was asking me, but I wasn't opposed to taking a day trip down there some time soon. I wanted to make sure that the outside world still existed beyond the few people that trickled in and out of the ranch.

"Would you go on a date with me? I mean more than just sitting at a coffee shop for half an hour, an actual date." He must have seen the apprehension on my face because he was quick to add, "You wouldn't need to dress up or anything. You could wear jeans. You don't have to tell anyone if you don't want to. It's nothing serious or overly romantic, just a fun afternoon in Kamloops."

"I don't know Carson."

"You can drive my Jeep, that way you can decide when we come back. If the afternoon is not to your liking, we can leave whenever you wish."

I thought that over for a minute and decided to ask, "Well, what would we do while we are there?"

Instantly his face lit up, filled by his giant, perfect smile. He knew he had won. _Damn him._ "That will be a surprise, but only until we get there. As soon as we get to Kamloops, I will tell you my exact plans for the afternoon."

It seemed like a win/win situation: I would get to drive the Jeep (which I had wanted to do for months), I had full veto power over the plans, and I would be spending the full day with just Carson. Maybe it was a win/win/win. "Ok, I'll go. But I'm going to wear my holey jeans, a ratty tee shirt, flip flops, and I'm going to do my hair all crazy!" I told him, hoping it would dissuade him from this whole date idea.

It had the opposite effect. "Perfect!" His exclamation made a few Timmy patrons turn in their chairs to stare but it brought out no response from Carson, other than excitedly kissing my temple and smiling wickedly. I grunted and rolled my eyes, which only made Carson smile wider.

"Can I at least know when we are going?"

"We are going in two weeks. I already set it up with Nox so that I'll have my day off the same as yours. Two weeks from Wednesday," he said with his pearly whites exposed for all the world to see.

"Ugh!" I grunted and rolled my eyes; inwardly, I thought it was sweet that he had planned ahead. I couldn't deny that if there was any possibility that we were going to be together, we would have to have a first date. _And two weeks from now is a good a time as any, _I thought.

By the time we made it back to the ranch, the delivery truck from 70 Mile was parked next to the lodge. Nox and the delivery driver were standing next to the truck and Nox was signing something on a clipboard. _What is Nox having delivered? We were just out there. _I thought to myself. _The only things I've ever seen delivered here were..._

"Carson," I paused. "What is Nox having delivered?"

"How would I know that, Leah? We were just out at 70 Mile. Nothing was scheduled for delivery when we were there." He was deliberately avoiding my question.

"Carson."

"_Leah._"

At that moment the delivery man and Nox walked out of the back of the truck, holding the red and orange kayak. "Would you like to explain _that_ to me, Carson?" I asked with raised eyebrows, pointing towards the kayak. I desperately hoped that this was some sort of joke. We weren't even officially dating yet and it appeared that he was buying me things. And it wasn't your average bouquet of flowers or trinket. It was a seven-hundred dollar kayak!

"While you were trying on jackets, I took the liberty to call Nox and explain that if we had seven kayaks that would leave an even six for guests and I could take out larger groups. I explained that it would be beneficial to Siwash to do so. I guess he must have called while we were at Timmy ho's," he said feigning innocence. Then, with a wicked smile and a puffed up chest, he finished his explanation with, "Nox values my opinion."

"I'm sure he does," I said with a sarcastic sneer. I wanted to be upset with Carson and Nox for doing that, but I truly couldn't. Carson was kind, patient, and observant. I didn't deserve him. I was mad at myself. I had hurt him today and he gives me a gift. It was almost as if he was positively reinforcing my behavior! _Maybe he's a little crazy. _

"Would you like to take it out on the water?" Carson's words brought me out of my thoughts.

"It should be getting dark soon; I don't think so."

"It is still light enough to show you the basics, and then we can watch the sunset on the river. I'll keep you safe."

"Okay, alright. I'll go," I reluctantly said. I couldn't let him get it into his head that he had the green light for buying me gifts, but I didn't want to seem cocky by saying it out loud.

"Great," Carson said with an excited smile. "It's warm enough that you don't have to worry about a dry suit but you still might want a wet suit. I'll get one for you and meet you back at the cabin to change."

"Okay, see you in a minute," I said and jogged off to the cabin while Carson ran in the opposite direction towards the storage building where the kayaks and equipment were kept.

When I made it to my room, there was a small brown bag with raffia handles sitting on my bed. There was a note taped to the front that read, "Heard you were kayaking with Carson tonight; thought you might need this - Olivia." Next to her name, Olivia drew a tiny winking face. _I swear this entire place is conspiring against me._ Inside the bag was one of the complimentary bathing suits Olivia kept in stock in case one of the guests forgot to pack one and wanted to get out in the water. It was a black, tank, two piece with ties on the hips neck and back to accommodate for a wider range of sizes. I'm small and tall so it covered well except for my midriff.

After I finished tying all the strings together I heard a knock at the door. I figured it would be Carson, so I only opened the door a crack and reached out for the wet suit. "Let me know if you need any help," Carson called from the hall after I had snatched the steamer suit and slammed the door.

"I think I've got it," I replied. _How hard could it be?_

Ten minutes later, after several grunts and a few bumps, Carson had to come in and get me the rest of the way into the suit. I had put my arms in before getting my legs all the way in and gotten stuck. When I was finally in the suit and turned around, I realized that Carson already had his wet suit on but they were only pants. It seemed that I was going kayaking with a half naked Carson.

"Ready?" Carson asked. He could barely contain his excitement.

"As I'll ever be."

With that we walked out of my room and down the stairs. Jillian, Charlotte and Luke were sitting around the coffee table eating whipped potatoes and meatloaf that Miles, the chef, made for dinner. They followed us with their eyes, barely disguising their smirks. Half way to the door, Carson grabbed my hand. I looked up to see a smile creeping up his face.

As soon as we shut the door behind us, we could hear squeals from the girls and a very loud, "That'a boy! Get 'um, Carson," from Luke.

I immediately felt my face get hot and pulled my free hand up to cover as much of it as possible. Carson merely chuckled and squeezed my hand. We walked hand in hand out to the dock. Carson had pulled the new orange-red kayak and his dark green kayak down to the edge of the water. He first showed me how to get into the kayak and how to hold the paddle. He said it was easiest to learn the strokes out of the water and that once you got in the water it came naturally.

Once I had the basics down, forward, backward, and turns, He pushed me out into the water, but instead of getting into his own kayak, he ran the length of the dock and jackknifed into the water. I was already soaked and I hadn't been in the water a full thirty-seconds. "What was that for?" I said sputter the lake water out of my mouth.

"Well you have to learn how to roll, of course. I can't have you out on a river without knowing how to roll properly," he said with his brow creased, as if it was the most obvious answer.

"Oh. Like flipping over? Well that's easy. I just won't flip."

Carson just laughed at me from the water and began explaining what hip snaps were and how to use the paddle in different situations. "Got all that?" Carson asked after explaining C-to-C Rolls and Sweep Rolls and a few other things that made me feel like I was ordering sushi instead of messing around in a lake.

"Yeah, I guess-" but before I could even start a recap of the lesson, Carson had swung his arms out of the water and pushed me over.

My first attempt I barely budged the kayak, but my second attempt I at least made it up far enough to get a gulp of air before I was submerged again. On my third try, most likely with a little help from Carson, I managed to flip the kayak back over. We did this over and over for an hour until I managed to roll myself, both with and without a paddle, to Carson's standards.

Once I mastered the rolls, Carson swam out of the lake and jumped into his kayak. He was back over to me in a matter of seconds and we started off towards the west end of the lake where it drained into a slow moving stream. When we reached the stream we traveled in single file; I was in front so Carson could "keep an eye on me".

Within thirty minutes, we reached a smaller lake nestled between two hills with the sun setting perfectly in between them. The sky was a collage of blue, purple and red clouds framed by the lush green of the hills with the yellow-orange sun slowly slipping away in the center. It was a rainbow of colors. It was absolutely breathtaking. I couldn't tear my eyes away from the picture perfect scene

"Oh, Carson, it's beautiful," I whispered. I didn't want to disrupt the perfection with my voice that would no doubt have been harsh in comparison to the peaceful stillness that surrounded us.

"I was hoping you would think so," he murmured in return. I was surprised by how close he was and even more so by the fact that he had turned around to face me, just to my right. He had the most sincere look on his face; his eyes were full of longing. On its own accord, my right hand reached up and held his face. He covered my hand with his and leaned into them to kiss my palm. His eyes begged me for approval, begged me to care for him, and I did. I had cared for Carson for months, though I hadn't realized it till just then. Now I was overwhelmed by it. The realization hit me as if Wile E. Coyote had dropped it on me like an anvil. Though I had no right to, and I certainly didn't deserve to, I cared for Carson. I wanted to hear everything he thought and felt. I wanted to be close to him every second of the day. I wanted him.

His eyes traveled from mine down to my mouth and back up again. I knew that he wanted to kiss me, but he would let me take the lead. We hadn't kissed since our one innocent peck, the night I almost left Siwash. I leaned over in my kayak, moving my right hand from his cheek to the back of his neck. His partially shaven head tickled my fingertips. My left hand found his firm, smooth chest and I pressed my lips to his. His hands ran across my cheeks, neck, and shoulder. I parted my lips and slowly ran the tip of my tongue across his lower lip and quickly, timidly retreated. His tongue followed mine, and then ran along the sensitive roof of my mouth. I sighed into his kiss and pulled back to look at his smiling face. He planted another full-lipped kiss on my waiting pout, and then the corner of my mouth, and then my cheek. He made a slow trail to my ear where he whispered, "This feels so right, Leloo. Please tell me you feel this too."

"I do," I whispered in response, and I leaned into him. I tried to find purchase on his shoulder, hoping that he would hold me, when I felt my kayak slipping out from under me. I tried to quickly right myself but instead, I overcorrected and ended up upside down in the lake. Carson must have tried to reach for me, because he ended up in the water as well. Thinking in synch, instead of rolling back over, we both pulled our legs out of our kayaks; our need for each other was not yet sated. I reached the surface of the lake and Carson was there, laughing. I joined him with a giggle and began treading water. The moment was not ruined; instead it was only made that much more perfect by the levity of it. We let our kayaks and paddles float a few feet from us, our neoprene-sheathed legs bumping together in our efforts to say afloat.

We kissed once or twice more as the sun sank below the horizon line. When the sky started to dim, Carson grumpily muttered, "We should head back. I would rather not have you out here in the pitch dark."

He swam over to our kayaks and towed them to the shore; I grabbed the paddles, and we began our trip back upstream to camp. Though it was a slow moving stream and an easy trip, it still took longer than the trip down. It gave me time to think over the rush of emotions I was feeling. Some guilt still lingered, but it was greatly lessened. What Carson said was true; it did feel right. One peaceful, playful night with Carson already surpassed every vehement promise of forever from Sam. Sam had broken my heart. I had just given Carson license to do the same, but I would not let him find that out just yet.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: This song is Running Again by Gaetan Bergevin. This is the song that inspired the whole theme of this story. I adore this song. Unfortunately, the only place to find this song is on youtube. Luckily, it's easy to find. Gaetan actually contacted me here on FanFiction(dot)net. I guess he googled his name and found my story. I definitely fan-girled for a week.**

**I do not own Twilight**

**This is the fully edited version posted on Twilighted(dot)net**

* * *

Running Again

The next two weeks ran by too quickly. I tried not to let my feelings show, but I was becoming more and more enamored with Carson. I found myself wanting to know absolutely everything about him. When we were in the car or eating lunch together, we took to asking "rapid fire" questions about each other. We were both so hungry for knowledge about the other. The drive down to our first date was no exception.

"What was your first pet?" Carson asked.

"My dad had a German Shepherd named Rorschach." I smiled, remembering my dad's funny obsession. He had a connection with one in particular that I didn't understand until after my first phase. I was trying to think of a question to ask Carson when he jumped back in.

"The psychologist, the test, or the comic book hero?"

"Nuh-uh, wait your turn." As impressed as I was at his knowledge of the many facets of Rorschach, we had rules for our little game. The first being, you get one question per turn. That's it. If you wanted to know more information than a yes, no, or one word answer, you had to word your question so that it included the need for an explanation. The other rule was that you couldn't copy the question that you just answered. "What was your favorite TV show as a kid?"

"Home Improvement." Well, that couldn't have made more sense. Carson was Mr. Fix-it/Tool-time/whatever, himself. "Back to Rorschach. The psychologist, the test, or the comic book hero?"

I would have to mess with him a little now. "Well, I guess it all goes back to the psychologist now, doesn't it?" I said with as innocent of a smile as I could muster.

"Hrrgruh." He actually growled at me. It was so easy to get him riled up when we played that game. If only he knew how ironic that was that he growled at me. If only I could have actually told him how ironic it was. _Stop it. Not today. Let today just be a nice, fun day,_ I scolded myself.

"Bocce Ball versus Tether Ball. If one could be an Olympic sport, which one would you pick?"

"Bocce Ball, every time. Okay, you can't get out of this one. Explain your smile when I asked what your first pet was."

I'm sure I could think of a way out of this one, but I didn't want to fight him on something he was interested in. I would just have to censor a little bit of what I was going to say.

"I was thinking about how my dad loved comic books, and Watchmen was his favorite. One of his favorite quotes from it or philosophical questions or whatever, was 'Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?' It means 'Who will watch the watchers?' But he used to think of it as 'Who will guard the guards?' It was discussed by all the greats: Juvenal, Plato, and Socrates. I think that Plato was right in saying that you have to make it so that the watchers rule because they believe it is the right thing to do and not because they want to rule, but I also think the watchers have to believe that their lives, their wants, their desires, are forfeit until their job is done. Too many people get hurt in the process."

Then, my words fell silent on my tongue. I knew I had broken one of my personal rules of the game; I let my mouth get away with itself, and I regretted it. I reminded myself that I shouldn't be with Carson. He deserved so much more. He was a god among mortals. Hell, he would have even been a god among all the 'more than meets the eye' types back where I come from. I was just a freak among the freaks.

There was nothing I could do to get myself out of that state of mind for the next few miles. I just drove, the leather of the steering wheel squeaking under my knuckles.

Luckily, Carson took my pause the wrong way.

"You miss him a lot?"

While that wasn't the reason I was upset, it was true. I inhaled deeply and replied, "Yeah, sometimes. Sometimes I just wish I could ask him for advice. You ask the questions. I can't think of any right now."

"What was your favorite TV show as a kid?" he asked with a soft smile. He was trying to keep it light for me. I knew he would try to avoid the heavy topics for a while.

"The Power Rangers."

"Which one did you want to be?"

"I wanted to be the Red Ranger, but I usually felt more like the Blue Ranger or the Yellow Ranger. You know, the dorky ones on the side. But I always had a crush on the Green Ranger."

"The Green Ranger," he said as if he was thinking over my answer or filing it away for later use. Probably the latter. He seemed to know everything about me and remember everything that came out of my mouth.

"Yeah, I think it was the hair." I looked over to him in the passenger seat and winked. He was getting better at pulling me out of my funks, and I was getting better at letting him. Somewhere inside, I felt like I deserved to be happy, and I knew Carson made me happy.

We drove the rest of the way asking and answering questions and going off on tangents about the differences in Jeeps and why anyone would bother buying a Grand Cherokee when they could buy the obviously superior Wrangler.

I drove Highway 97 south and then east towards Kamloops. A little over two hours after leaving the ranch, we made it there. I drove into the city from the South and Carson directed me back north towards the Thompson River. He had me pull into a park that was along the river, and I realized it was where the North and South branches of the Thompson met. I hadn't yet asked what we were doing; I figured Carson would tell me when he wanted to.

"This is Riverside Park," Carson announced, getting out of the Jeep.

"Aptly named," I replied. Carson walked around to the back of the jeep and popped open the tailgate. He pulled out two long, skinny bags that held folding lawn chairs and a large, odd looking backpack.

"You see that mountain right there?" Carson asked, ignoring the backpack and pointing across the river to the North. He slammed the tailgate and started walking into the park.

"Yes." There was a mountain in front of us, across the river. I wasn't sure how he thought I could miss it, but I liked when Carson explained the surroundings to me. It felt like he was sharing a bit of himself with me. He had grown up in these places, and they were as much a part of him as his broad shoulders, or his patience, or his hearty laugh. I secretly hoped that one day I would share with him the parts of myself that were kept in La Push.

"Just beyond that mountain is a First Nations Reserve." In my time in Canada, I learned that while in the States, the pc-term for Indian was Native American, in Canada, the native people that were not Inuit, were members of the First Nations. "They are part of the Secwepemc Nation, and they named this place Tk'emlups. It means 'River Junction.'"

By that point, we had walked far enough into the park to see the Thompson River, and sure enough, it forked out away from us in three different directions. "So what exactly are we doing here at the 'River Junction?'"

"Took you long enough to ask," he said with a smile. "We are here for a concert."

I took a look around. There was an overhang that could have been used for a stage, but other than a couple of families with kids running around, we were the only people there. "A concert. Really?"

"Yes, really. It doesn't start for a couple of hours, but I wanted to get here early, have a picnic," he gestured towards his odd bag, "and make sure we got a good spot to see the stage."

Carson laid the chairs down and pulled open a zipper on the bottom of his bag. Out of the compartment, he pulled a large flannel blanket that he proceeded to shake out onto the ground.

"Carson, a picnic and a concert sound pretty romantic to me."

"I packed the most un-romantic picnic possible and the chairs are to make the concert less romantic," he said with a smile, but it wasn't one of his smiles. He wanted tonight to be a romantic night.

"Alright, what's on the menu?"

"Smoked salmon sandwiches, celery and dip, grapes, and Billot Logs."

"That sounds delicious. The salmon sounds a little over the top, and what are Billot Logs?"

"Well as for the salmon, Chef tried to persuade me to making prosciutto ham with figs and packing champagne and glasses and linen napkins. Smoked Salmon was the most un-romantic lunchmeat he had."

While calling the man 'Chef' sounded snobbish, we only did it because he asked us to. Siwash's head chef's real name was Ermenegilde. He was a Québécois, a French Canadian from Quebec, and Jillian told me his name meant 'all giving' in French. However, one day he grew tired of everyone butchering his name and decided to only answer to 'Chef.' I was impressed that Carson talked Chef out of the more romantic route, so I decided to drop it and let him continue.

"And you will soon find out what Billot Logs are."

We ate our sandwiches, fruits, and vegetables, and they were all delicious. Then Carson pulled the Billot logs out of what turned out to be the cooler bag. They looked, at first glance, like a pink and white sprinkled doughnut stick. He was right that it was in no way romantic, but I was a slightly concerned about the state of our dessert. Then I took a bite. "MMMM, Carson, it's like a HoHo, a Twinkie, and a Sno Ball all got together, had a three-way, and made this delicious little Billot Log Baby." There was no other way for me to describe it at the time. It had the rolled design of a HoHo with the sponge cake and cream filling qualities of a Twinkie, and the pink coconut frosting of a Sno Ball. _How can something that comes shrink wrapped in plastic taste so good? _I asked myself.

Carson just laughed at me. It wasn't one of my finer moments.

Before the concert, Carson and I just sat on the blanket, watching the water flow slowly by. A few times, a train would pass over the river on one of the bridges. A couple kids skipped stones into the river, but when the concert crowd started to show, their mothers shuffled them off. An older man walked onstage and started to tune multiple guitars around five forty-five.

After a few minutes of warming up, I asked Carson, "So who are we here to see?"

"Gaetan Bergevin."

"Are we here just for the fun of a concert or are we here specifically to see this Gaetan guy?"

"We are here specifically to see _this Gaetan guy_," Carson replied, mocking me. "He is actually really great. I think you will like him a lot."

"Okay, I believe you. When does he go on?"

"He starts at six-thirty, so about a half hour. Do you want me to get out the chairs?"

"No, this is good." Carson smiled at my words and put his arm around my waist. We spent the next thirty minutes people-watching as all of the concert-goers filed into the park and took seats on the lawn.

It was then that I realized why Carson thought it was so 'perfect' that I wear my holey jeans and my hair done up all crazy: We were surrounded by hippies. Everyone had on mismatched clothing and wild hair. A few were even barefooted. I had nothing against hippies, I just wasn't one of them. I liked bathing regularly and proper footwear. Well, when I was away from the Rez I liked shoes. But I should have expected it; we were in a park, at a free concert.

At six-thirty, the man that was tuning the guitars walked back out on stage and took a seat on a simple wooden stool. I had assumed that he was just a stage hand. Now he was wearing a billowy white shirt with the top two buttons undone, loose jeans, and leather shoes. He had shaggy, sandy blond hair and a thick goatee. He said no introduction for himself, as if he was a victim of stage fright. Instead, he just started playing. Instantly, I was drawn in. Carson was right: I did like him. He sang from the back of his throat with so much emotion, about love, and heartbreak, and family. He was folksy and rock and blues. There were a few moments where he sounded a little like John Mayer, or had Joshua Radin's soothing acoustic sounds, or sang with the emotion of Phil Collins, but every second of his concert was uniquely his. Gaetan's hurt was so real. I could feel it myself in some of his songs.

Carson kept his arm around me for the length of the concert and, just as the last song started, he pulled me to my feet, stood behind me, and wrapped his arms around me. He leaned down and whispered into my ear, "This song is why we are here."

Then Gaetan picked up his acoustic guitar and started humming. Carson hummed along and continued to do so even when Gaetan started to sing. He meant Gaetan's words for me. Over the next few minutes, he asked me to grow with him and to trust him, he sang about love like it was a long lost friend that he was welcoming home, he begged me not to run again. The night, the song, the moment with Carson wrapped around me like I was his lifeline, had tears in my eyes. I turned in his arms, grabbing handfuls of hair, and kissed him forcefully, with all the emotion I had been attempting to hide all the previous weeks. He kissed me back with complete disregard for all the people standing around us.

As Gaetan Bergevin finished the last chords of his song, Carson pulled away from me. He looked me in the eye and pleaded with me. "Leloo, sometimes, when we talk, you close yourself off from me. You run so far away from me. I worry that one day, I won't find you."

"I don't want to ever hurt you, Carson, and I know I will one day."

"I trust you not to. And even if you did, we would work through it together." He had complete confidence in his words.

"You can't know that for sure." It was killing me to say these things. I had only just realized that I was falling in love with Carson, so I forced myself to try one last time to push him away. He rejected my stance immediately.

"But I believe it."

At his words I could no longer convince myself that the two of us being together was completely wrong. Maybe it was kind of wrong, or mostly wrong, but something that evoked so strong of an emotion in such an unlikely pair could not be completely wrong. So, I gave into it. I let his love wash over me and mend my broken soul. I decided in that moment that I would stop fighting my own emotions and I would stop pushing Carson away.

I kissed him, and to his lips I requested, "Take me back to the ranch."


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: This chapter's song is "Goodnight And Go" by Imogen Heap. It is a fantastic, flirty song for Leah.**

**If you want to check out Carson's playlist, it is here: www(dot)playlist(dot)com/FictionFanDNB/Playlists**

**I do not own Twilight. **

**This is the fully edited version posted on Twilighted(dot)net**

* * *

Goodnight And Go

While the ride to the concert was spent in a constant stream of questions, we spent the drive back to the ranch singing along to the most amazing music. There wasn't a single song that was less than ten years old on the mix and most of them were American artists. The first song was Golden Earring's "Radar Love," the greatest road trip song ever recorded. The fact that it was getting dark outside only added to the mood set by the song. Carson tapped out the hypnotic beat on the steering wheel while I played that distinctive bass line in the air. During the chorus we dueled back and forth as Carson hammed up the guitar and I shot back with the bass. I loved being goofy with Carson.

The rest of the mix continued in a similar fashion. One minute we would be singing along to Kansas and the next, we would be rapping along with Will Smith and DJ Jazzy Jeff. We would have a slow song like "The Sound of Silence", and then, "Iron Man" would blast from the stereo. Every song was a classic in it's own right, but it would be impossible to create a mix of its equal.

During the chorus of Alanis Morissette's "You Oughta Know," Carson turned to me and asked, "Do you know who this song is about?"

"No, I don't, but I'm guessing you do," I said with a smirk.

"I do," Carson exclaimed, finger in the air and eyebrows raised as if it was a great scientific breakthrough. "Do you remember "Full House"?"

"That show where the Olsen Twins played the same kid?"

"Yeah, you know the uncle?"

"Uncle Jessie? This song is about Uncle Jessie? I thought that guy was married back then."

"No, no. The other one. The one that was a comedian, he did voices, Joey. Maybe he wasn't the uncle. David Coulier. This song is about him," he laughed at his own little slip up in his attempt to show off. He should have known better. The last thing he needed to do was show off to me.

"Well, that's cool."

We spent the rest of the ride singing along to every song. Most of his choices made me laugh; he must have put a lot of time and effort into that mix. Either that, or he just clicked shuffle and then burned the first two hours worth of songs in his iTunes. Even if that was the case, I was impressed with his taste and his collection. The ride was fun and goofy. I didn't have much of a chance to think about what I had more or less asked of Carson.

When we were still a couple of miles away from the ranch, Carson turned the radio off. At night, music echoed through the hills and around the trees. The last thing we wanted to do was to send up flares alerting our presence. The few minutes of quiet forced me to think about what I was getting ready to do. The only person I had ever been with was Sam. A tiny part of my heart still belonged to Sam. It was the part that would always know him as my first love, the first to break my heart, and my _first_. But that part grew smaller every day that I spent with Carson. Carson put all my pieces back together. He made me right again. Well, I would never be right, but Carson made me as close as I could be.

Even if he hadn't said the words out loud, I knew. I could feel that he loved me, and I was only a couple of steps behind him. I could feel myself falling in love. The thought of tonight felt so right. The fact that it felt right scared me a little, but I wasn't going to let fear dictate my happiness anymore.

We pulled into the ranch, and instead of parking near the staff cabin, he drove past it.

"Er, where are we going?"

Carson immediately slammed on the brakes. If anyone didn't know we were there before, the entire ranch heard the squealing of breaks then. Carson looked at me with his eyes wide in fear and embarrassment.

"I'm sorry. I thought... When you said... I didn't mean... I'm so sorry," he stammered out his apology and I couldn't help but laugh. I knew it was adding insult to injury, but the giggles slipped out before I had a chance to catch them.

"No, no. I did," I said with a reassuring smile. I reached for his arm, and in an attempt to make up for his embarrassment, I put on my most seductive voice, "I just thought we would be going back to the cabin. To your room... or mine. Or the foyer if we couldn't make it that far..."

I sat there, hoping that my words and actions had been enough to repair the damage to his self-esteem. It didn't take long for me to get my answer. Carson, without taking his now smoldering eyes off of me, slammed back on the gas and kicked up some dust in the process. It seemed Carson was fairly excitable. Our plans to arrive back at the ranch unnoticed were definitely blown by that point.

I didn't want to risk asking where we were going again, so when we pulled up next to Outpost, I was surprised. Outpost was the farthest guest cabin from the lodge. It was due to that reason that Outpost was the least rented of all the cabins. People liked to be near their food.

Carson unbuckled his seatbelt and ran around the Jeep. I still had no idea what he was doing, so I just waited. When he made it to the passenger side, he removed my seatbelt and picked me up into his arms.

Urgently, I whispered, "Where are we going? What are you doing? Put me down!"

"I am carrying you. To Outpost. And no, I will not."

"Why are we going to Outpost?"

"Because, I do not want to be interrupted," he said in a voice just as seductive as mine had been a moment before. He inclined his head and captured my lips in his own.

When the implications of his statement hit me, I broke away from his kiss. "Are we going to break in?"

By that point, we were at the door. In response to my question, Carson shifted his hold on me so that he could shake his keys at me. "Of course not, I have keys."

Carson shifted my weight again and attempted to unlock the door. The whole time the cogs in my mind were whirling, trying to figure out why Carson would have a key to Outpost. Then it hit me.

I leapt out of his arms onto the porch. I turned quickly on him and started slapping his arms and chest. I knew I couldn't really hit him; I might break something. Of his. As strong and muscular as he was, he was nothing compared to my wolf, who was desperately close to making a late night appearance. I did everything I could to keep my other self reeled in, but my temper was about to barrel out of control.

"Carson, how could you? You asked Nox for a key? You knew this was going to happen? There are so many things wrong with that, I don't even know where to start! Argh!" I grunted as I landed one last smack on the center of his chest. His hands were held out in surrender, waiting for me to stop.

I grunted again and turned on my heel. I was ready to walk back to the staff cabin, but Carson grabbed me around the waist. I was seriously re-thinking the whole don't-use-full-strength-on-Carson idea when he asked me, "Leah, do you really think that I would have done that? Would I have gone to Nox for something like this?"

I thought it over for a second with a calmer head. My fists and arms were still shaking from my rage when I came to a realization. He did go behind my back to arrange a date and the whole kayak thing, but those were both sweet and romantic. Planning this out would have been crass and downright vulgar. That wasn't Carson at all.

"Well, maybe not, but why do you have a key? That still says to me that you were planning on us hooking up tonight."

I was still tense with paranoia and self-consciousness. To ease my worries, Carson put his large hands on the space between my shoulders and my neck, forcing my shoulders to sink down and relax.

"Leloo, I'm in charge of all the handy-work around here. I have keys to every room of every building except Nox and Olivia's house. This is something private, not something to be shared on a whim with my boss. That would be inappropriate."

"Oh," I said in a small voice. All of the anger had quickly subsided, but it was instantly replaced with another strong emotion. I was monstrously embarrassed.

"Leah, if you fighting me like this, it's a sign that you aren't ready. We can wait. We can go back to the cabin and stay in our separate rooms, or if you want we can stay here and I can hold you. Whatever you want, Leloo."

From the average male's mouth, it would have sounded like a ploy to get me in bed, but I knew Carson. I knew he was being completely sincere. He had never rushed or pressured me into anything.

With his hands still on my shoulders, I reached up and twined my fingers into what was left of his hair. "I'm sorry. I guess I just got nervous for a second there. But I am ready, Carson."

His hands slowly worked their way down my sides. When he reached the small of my back, he pulled me to him. Just before his lips touched mine he smiled and quietly but deliberately enunciated, "Thank God."

We giggled into the kiss and when I pulled away I told him, "I don't think He has anything to do with this."

* * *

I woke up modestly covered in a luxurious, high thread-count sheet. I stretched with a little grunt and smiled, thinking of the events of the previous night. I heard a little laugh from my right and I jumped out of my skin. My eyes shot open and I quickly pulled my arms and legs around me to make sure that I was completely covered. I suddenly felt exposed. I hadn't realized that Carson was awake.

"Good morning," he said. He was half grinning as he reached over to my hip and pulled me towards him. "What are you smiling for?"

Somewhat regaining my composure, I lamely replied, "I dunno, I had a good night." Carson just chuckled some more. As time had progressed, he was doing that more often. I liked it. I put my arm around him and realized that he wasn't nearly as naked as I was. "Why are you... Why do you have jeans on?" I was going to ask why he was dressed, but he was bare footed and without a shirt. A beautiful sight, first thing in the morning.

"I got up a little while ago. I thought it would be most prudent to return the Jeep to its proper place and get us some clothes before everyone else in the ranch woke up. I thought you would want your privacy."

"My, how _thoughtful,_" I said, mocking him with a smile and kissing him.

He leaned into the kiss and moaned, and we fell immediately back into the perfection of the night before. Without a doubt, work would come too soon that day.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: This song is "Such Great Heights" by The Postal Service and then Iron and Wine... I prefer the I&W version but it seems to be a general consensus that The Postal Service rendition fits this chapter better. It is just about two people fitting so perfectly together that they want to rise above all the mess and never come down.**

**I do not own Twilight.**

**This is the fully edited version posted to Twilighted(dot)net**

* * *

Such Great Heights

That day, I got several confused looks from Jillian, Charlotte, and Olivia. However, I wasn't concerned with explaining myself. I was happy, genuinely happy for the first time in over two years. It wasn't the sex that made me happy. It was the utter perfection of letting myself be with Carson. We fit together perfectly personality wise, but we were well matched in other ways also.

It did not become an everyday occurrence - I did have school work - but we did get regular use out of Outpost. It was our little haven. We play-talked about one day getting our own place and moving away from the ranch, but we both knew it was just pretend for now.

As to school work, I had started taking a couple of online classes through Thompson Rivers University in early September. I thought their revised name was a serious improvement from University College of the Cariboo at Kamloops. I decided to go with a Canadian college because I figured I would need a local degree if I stayed in Canada and, if I didn't stay, I had all the time in the world if I wanted to get a new degree. I didn't know what I wanted to major in, so I just tried to get the basic classes out of the way first. The tragically ironic part was that, several weeks after after I enrolled, I realized T.R.U.'s athletic teams functioned under the title "The WolfPack." My significant other found it extremely amusing that my mascot now matched my nickname. That made one of us.

Carson had been correct when he said that our relationship was something private. Everyone most likely knew, but I wasn't going to gossip about it. I treasured Carson and I would not slander his name by being a scandalmonger.

After our mid-August concert in the park, the months flew by so fast. Before I knew it, three months had flown by in the blink of an eye. I hadn't phased since June, five whole months. Some days were harder than others, when my skin itched for the freedom of my other self. But I was in control. And I was loving ever minute of my time with Carson

One day, I got stuck shoveling hay down from the loft. It was Levi's, the new stable assistant, day off. Carson helped me. After we tossed all that we needed down to the lower level, I hung my fork back up on the wall. When I turned around, I was playfully surprised by Carson picking me up, tossing me over his shoulder, and swatting my back side. I let out a flirtatious squeal, trying to anticipate what he would do with me over his shoulder.

Newer hay is stiff and brittle, not exactly the most comfortable thing to sit in. Older hay, on the other hand, after being pushed around and walked on and swept up a few times, can make a soft resting spot, with proper clothing. Luckily I was wearing jeans, because that was where Carson deposited me. He quickly followed suit and plopped down next to me.

I rolled over onto my side to get a good look at Carson's smiling face. He was lying on his back with his head turned towards me, a picture of contentment.

"What was that for?"

"I missed you," Carson responded, smiling gently.

"How could you miss me?" I asked confused. "We've been together all morning."

"But we've been working all morning. That's different. I missed you," he repeated.

I had known I loved Carson for a few weeks. I had been falling in love with him for months. I couldn't hold it in any longer.

"I love you, Carson," I whispered.

Carson rolled onto his side and looked into my eyes for a moment before he passionately said, "I love _you_, Leloo."

Then he delicately kissed me and we made slow, quiet, sensual love in the hay to commemorate the occasion.

******

"So, I have to head back to La Push in a couple weeks," I told Carson one night over dinner, a couple weeks later. Grilled shrimp kabobs, courtesy of Chef.

"Why? Is everything alright?" he asked. I no longer thought he was worried that I was leaving him; he seemed genuinely concerned for the well-being of my family back in La Push.

"Yeah, everything's fine. It's just my cousin's wedding and I'm supposed to be a bridesmaid. It's not a big deal. I'll only be gone long enough to make sure my dress fits, stand up front for the wedding, and have a slice of cake. Four days, five tops. And that includes my travel time." I added the "It's not a big deal" and "I'll only be gone..." so that he wouldn't get any ideas about coming with me. I wanted him to meet my family, just not yet. I would miss him like crazy, but I couldn't drag Carson through all that crap. We hadn't had a 'past relationships' talk, and as far as I was concerned, we never would. I didn't have any desire to hear about any old flames back in Sooke, and explaining Sam would be difficult to say the least.

"When are you leaving?"

"I'll need to leave either the Thursday after next, in the evening, or early that Friday morning. The wedding is that Sunday." Their wedding was going to be the first weekend of December. My mom had been reminding me about it for the month prior, but I had been avoiding it like the plague.

"Okay. I guess I'll have to adjust our date night a little."

"What date night?" I asked, surprised.

"The date night I was going to ask you about in a few days after I had a few more details nailed down."

"Well, can I hear about the preliminary outline of the night?" I asked with eyebrows raised in anxiety. I liked the idea of a date with Carson, but one that required two weeks of planning ahead, I wasn't sure about.

"I was trying to plan some time away from Siwash. As in, a whole night away in Kamloops. We've been together for nearly four months and we have been sneaking around for three of those months. I think we need to just be us for a night. I need Naika Leloo." Since our admissions of love, Carson had taken to calling me Naika Leloo. He said it meant "My Wolf." It wasn't possessive, because he was just as much My Carson. I belonged to him and he belonged to me.

My tension eased; he was right, we did need some time away. "I think it's a great idea. Maybe we could drive down to Kamloops the Thursday before I leave and spend the night there and I could leave mid-day on Friday. I would already be a third of the way back to Washington," I suggested. I was hoping that the night with Carson would help ease me into the difficult weekend.

"That sounds perfect. I'll go tell Nox what days we need off and make reservations."

Carson leaned over to kiss my temple, took our plates to the kitchen, and walked out the front door to talk to Nox. I was left to think about the hell that would no doubt be my weekend back in La Push.

Two weeks later I had double checked my measurements for the dress, paid for bus tickets, purchased a new duffle bag, and packed enough clothes for four days into said duffle. The ride to Kamloops was uneventful; Carson had a new mix of songs that we sang along to. We were both riding a high of anticipation for our night to come.

We checked into Four Points and decided to drive around downtown for a couple of hours before dinner. Our first stop was Chapters, a bookstore a little under a mile away from the hotel. I wanted to pick up a book for the bus ride the next day.

"What about _I Am Legend_?" Carson asked, holding up a floppy paperback version. "The movie was really good, so you know the book will be a hundred times better."

"I'm not really a big sci-fi fan." That wasn't entirely true. I just didn't like reading about bloodsuckers. _What's the point in reading about vampires when you have met, and have killed on occasion, the real thing_?

"How about a memoir?" Carson helpfully added.

"Actually, I was thinking about Chaucer's '_Canterbury Tales'_."

"Well, you will be on a road trip, it will certainly be appropriate," Carson said with a laugh.

An hour and a half later, after walking through Riverside Park, we made our way back to our room. We were going to have dinner at Ric's, the hotel's restaurant. I showered and attempted to do something with my hair. It was at that in between point of short and long, and the best I could do was pin the top few strands back and let the rest fall as they pleased. I wore the dress that Jillian picked out for the rehearsal dinner. It was a gold sheath dress with a wide band of black lace below the bust. While it was beautiful, it was a little too much for me. Carson seemed to like it though, so I didn't complain about Jillian's choice. _Maybe it's the nude shoes, Jillian said they make my legs look a million miles long, _I thought to myself.

Carson was wearing khaki slacks and a black button up shirt. We were walking that fine line between cute-matching-couple and Britney-and-Justin-all-denim-disaster-of-'01. I was starting to think that my wardrobe wasn't the only one Jillian attacked. Carson looked like a man, dressed by a woman, but he looked fantastic out of his worn work clothes.

"To be someone so graceful, you really shouldn't wear high heels. Hopefully the ones for the wedding are lower than those," Carson said after my second near fall on the way to dinner.

"I'd much rather be barefooted or wearing my boots. Maybe I can talk Emily into letting me wear my hiking boots to the wedding." I was determined to look at the rest of my weekend in a positive light. If I went back to the Rez with a negative attitude, I knew I would have a terrible time, but if I could manage to go back thinking positively, there was a _chance_ that it wouldn't be a disaster.

"I doubt that will happen. Reservation for two under Monte," Carson informed the hostess after dashing my artificial hopes.

"This way, please," the hostess politely requested as she guided us to a high-backed, leather booth opposite the bar.

Carson and I both slid into the rear of the booth with our backs to the wall. The luxurious black leather squeaked as we scooted. Carson sat on that side of the booth either because he wanted to be next to me, or he wanted to people-watch. I sat with my back to the wall because I liked to know where the exits were and who was coming and going. People-watching and sitting next to Carson were added bonuses.

Carson ordered the steak and I had lamb. It was a new experience, but the waitress talked me into it. The lamb was tender, but even after my year at Siwash, I still preferred the basics like burgers and hotdogs. The two of us did our share of laughing at Ric's patrons that night. There was an older woman, clearly drunk, that made her rounds to all the younger men at the bar. She did a much better job of running off guests than actually getting a date. Carson and I discussed what her title would be, because "Cougar" didn't quite fit.

"Maybe she's a pirate, weather worn, scrounging the seas, looking for booty!" Carson suggested.

"Good one. What about an alligator? Still a big predator, works best when obscured by murky water. In this case that would be serious hard liquor," I shot back.

"Okay. You win. Alligator trumps Pirate," Carson said and we both laughed.

The rest of the dinner followed in much the same manner. It was probably shallow to people-watch, but it was our guilty pleasure.

After dinner, we headed back up to our room. The view from the large picture window was breathtaking. The sun was setting behind the mountains and it was starting to snow. There was a silver bucket of chilled champagne sitting in the corner next to the window. The alcohol in the champagne wouldn't have any effect on my high metabolism, but I wouldn't spoil Carson's romantic evening.

I walked over to the window as Carson popped the cork. It was getting difficult to see out the window, the light from the room ensured that I saw mostly my reflection instead of the beautiful mountains, so I flipped the switch of the nearest lamp. I stood there, rethinking my decision to go back to La Push alone. _Where would I even stay? Charlie and Sue's house?_

After a minute, Carson sat two bubbling glasses on the ledge of the window and stood behind me. He wrapped his hands around my midsection and leaned down to kiss my neck. He kissed a path up to my left ear and whispered, "I'll miss you this weekend."

He wasn't helping the cause.

I quickly spun around and put my warm back to the cold window. I couldn't let him break my resolve. It wasn't yet time for him to meet my family, or the pack, or Sam. I would allow no more 'I'll miss you's that night, because if there were any, I would certainly have forced him to go with me the next morning.

I pulled him down by his shirt to kiss me. He returned my kiss with all the passion he could muster. Living in the same cabin had spoiled us. We had never been apart for more than a few hours at a time. We knew the next four days would be difficult.

That night, the champagne was forgotten.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: "Winding Road" is by Bonnie Somerville. A good traveling song... About searching for home and hope. If it sounds familiar, you probably heard it while viewing Garden State.**

**I do not own Twilight**

**This is the fully edited version posted on Twilighted(dot)net**

* * *

Winding Road

The next morning, Carson drove me to the bus stop.

"Do you have your book?"

"Yes," I said, waving the book in my right hand at Carson.

"Do you have your phone?"

"Yes," I smacked the book against my leg to indicate that it was in my pocket. "Not that it will do me any good. I barely get reception at Siwash, and it won't work at all by the time I cross the border."

"But if you need me before you get to the States, you can call me. Do you have your iPod?" He was trying to delay my leaving as much as possible. The bus driver was not pleased with our shenanigans. We were standing in each other's arms at the door to the bus when the driver coughed in his impatience.

"Yes, Carson, I have everything. Quit stalling. I have to go." I tried to say it all in a serious tone, but the huge smile on my face was a dead give away that I enjoyed Carson's antics. "I'll miss you, but it's only four days."

"I know. I love you, Naika Leloo." He gave me one last squeeze and a kiss.

I sighed, "I love you, too," and stepped onto the bus.

The door shut behind me, and I walked to an open window seat. My bag was small enough that I didn't need to stow it under the bus, so I tucked it into the overhead storage. I had my book, my iPod, and my soon-to-be-useless phone; I wouldn't need anything else for the ride to La Push, my childhood home. But not even that. My childhood home would be the house where I would find my mom and my dad and Seth. It had wood siding painted light green and a gravel drive. The door was dark green like the shutters. It wasn't at all like where my mom lived now. She lived in a white house with vinyl siding. It was Charlie's house. It was _Bella's_ childhood home. Not mine.

I looked out the window and waved to Carson. When the bus was too far away to see him anymore, I pulled out my book. _The Canterbury Tales, hopefully this will be a good distraction_, I thought to myself.

I enjoyed the tales. A few were amusing, a few were thought provoking, a few I had heard before. As I was reading The Franklin's Tale, I was intrigued with the relationship between the knight, Arveragus and a woman named Dorigen. They had a beautiful love story and insisted on seeing each-other as equals, an unheard of idea in the pre-reformed church era. The more I read, the more I could appreciate the contemporary ideas in the classical literature.

Then things started to sound familiar. Arveragus leaves and Dorigen falls into a deep depression but stays dedicated to him. Aurelius, this other guy, shows up and falls madly in love with Dorigen but she wants nothing to do with him. Arveragus returns and offers Dorigen the chance to be with Aurelius, if that is what she wants or thinks should happen. Aurelius doesn't give up until he realizes that Dorigen could only truly be happy with Arveragus and that their love was pure.

I was reading Jacob and Bella and Edward's story. The Franklin even posed the question "Who is more noble?" I was pretty sure I'd heard those exact words run through Jacob's brain at one point or another.

I closed the book with a sigh and pulled my iPod out of my pocket. While I was readjusting myself back into the seat, I looked out the window and recognized the stretch of 101 between Sappho and Beaver. I only had a few minutes before I would reach the station in Forks. Maybe twenty minutes. In the four hours I was on the bus I read all but thirty or so pages.

I turned one the shuffle setting. I was a firm believer that iPods have this magical ability; they can predict what mood you're in and feed it with music. Sometimes it isn't the first song, but that time it was. A very creepy Interpol song started to play. I was already uneasy about being in La Push; the song just set the hairs on the back of my neck and arms on end. It wasn't the lyrics that upset me, it was the eerie tone of Paul Banks' voice. He sang like he was languidly calling from the end of a tunnel or the bottom of a well. He sang the song like he was dying.

I quickly ripped the buds out of my ears and wrapped them around the iPod and returned it to my pocket. I spent the rest of the ride staring out the window at the green and brown blurs and the water droplets that were starting to hit the pane. _Welcome to the Olympic Peninsula,_ I thought to myself.

Fifteen minutes later, the bus slowed to a stop outside Newton's Olympic Outfitters. Luckily, there was a pay phone so that I didn't have to walk inside and lamely ask to use the store phone. Before I left Kamloops, Carson took me to a bank where I exchanged some of my Loonies for some green backs. I even made sure to get some change for this very reason: to call my mom to come pick me up.

Before I could make it all the way to the phone, I heard the jingle of the bells on the store's front door. "Leah!" someone yelled.

I turned and saw Jacob sprinting towards me. Everything about him was bigger. His hair was most of the way down his back now; his wolf's fur probably stayed filthy with his hair that long. His muscles were impossibly bigger, probably from trying to keep up with the vamps for the last year. But the most noticeable change was his face. His smile was bigger. He seemed so happy, and I was happy for him. _Damn imprinting_.

Before I had a chance to refuse, he pulled me into a hug. Other than with Carson, I'm not much of a hugger. Jacob never was either. _I knew this weekend was going to be awkward and uncomfortable, but weird I wasn't expecting._

"Jacob, what are you doing here?" I asked confused, pulling away from his hug.

"Er, it's kinda complicated." He ran his hands through the top of his hair. "Alice and I have been working on getting around the whole blind-spot thing. Basically, everywhere Renesmee or I go, we are supposed to bring something back and plan on leaving it around the house. This morning she called me to let me know that she saw a bag from Newton's magically appear on the love seat with a fleece sweater for Nessie in it. I've been here for the last hour debating whether or not I came here for a reason or to just buy her a sweater. When the bus pulled up it hit me that you would be getting here today. What were you walking over to the phone for?"

"I was going to call Sue to pick me up."

"Maybe she couldn't make it and you had to call me? Maybe that's why I'm here."

"Maybe, whatever. You want to give me a ride to Charlie's since you're here and all?"

"Oh," Jake said as he tilted his head to the side in confusion. "I thought you would stay with us." Just then his phone vibrated in his pocket. "Hold that thought, this is probably Alice." He answered the phone with a half smile, "Yes, all-seeing sprite of my nightmares?"

I could hear the tiny vampire on the other end of the call, and she didn't waste time with pleasantries. _Why did the bag disappear? Did you figure out why you were supposed to be at Newton's?_

"Yes, I was supposed to pick up Leah from the bus stop. She just got in from the Great White North."

_Oh, well I guess that helped. So everybody's there. Tell Leah I say 'Hi.' Ask her when we get to come visit. I want to see that big hunk of man meat she has stowed away up in Canada!_

I immediately felt my cheeks get scalding hot and answered her before Jacob had a chance to relay her message, "Never, Alice, never. No vampires allowed in Siwash. Ever. Period." Luckily, there was no one around Newton's to hear the conversation.

She just giggled, told Jake bye, and hung up.

"Sorry about that. So, I thought you would stay with us?" he repeated.

"I hadn't really thought about it much. Who is 'us' and where are you staying?" I asked. I really didn't want to stay in Charlie's house. It wouldn't feel right and I didn't even know if they had space for me. I really should have planned all of that out better. But as much as I didn't want to stay with Charlie and my mom, I really didn't want to stay with the blonde vampire. I had grown a tolerance for most of the vamps, but not that one. I didn't think the stink would be as much of a problem since I wouldn't be phasing.

"Seth and I came for the wedding. I wouldn't come without Nessie, well if you ask her she wouldn't let me leave without her. And Bella and Ed wouldn't let me bring her alone. But Seth, Renesmee, and I are staying in the mansion. Bella and Edward are staying in their cottage. Everybody else stayed in New Hampshire. There are plenty of rooms and food. You are more than welcome."

"You sound like Carlisle," I told him, and he laughed. "But you've convinced me, I'll stay."

"Okay, good. I'm parked over he-"

"What the hell is that?" I cut him off. Mid sentence he had clicked a key-fob and the lights of a deep red convertible flashed. I knew my way around under the hood of a car, but I didn't follow car magazines or claim to be an expert. I still new this was something out of the ordinary. It was a Volkswaken, I could tell that from the silver VW, but if it weren't for that little insignia, I wouldn't have known. It didn't look whimsical like most VeeDubs; it looked intimidating.

"This is my baby. It's a BlueSport, the Volkswagen concept car. The only red one in existence. Apparently Edward and Rosalie have some good contacts. Bella and Nessie gave me this for my last birthday. It's TDI, with a hundred and eighty horse power. It goes from zero to sixty in six point two with a top speed of one-forty." He was looking at the car with a mixture of awe and pride.

"Did you memorize the owner's manual or something?" I slid into the passenger seat, upholstered with soft, supple leather. "Why is it here anyways? Shouldn't it be in New Hampshire?"

"Well, I drove Nessie and myself, and Edward drove his car. It only took us a couple of days as fast as we both drive. Bella and Seth flew ahead of us to spend a couple of days with Charlie and Sue." Jacob had done a good job of evading my question, but not good enough.

"You didn't answer my question," I said with a small smirk.

"Nessie wanted to," Jacob sheepishly answered.

"My Alpha is whipped by a toddler." I said it to myself, but it was for his benefit.

"I don't want to hear it, Miss I-just-rode-a-bus-for-four-hours-but-I-still-smell-like-_Mr.-Lumberjack_." Jake laughed at his own joke.

I pulled my shirt up to my nose and sniffed it. "I do not!"

"Oh, Leah, you do. So, tell me about him."

"I am not talking to you about my love life, Jacob," I said with a huff, crossing my arms.

"I could always make you, but you know you want to. I can see it written all over your face. You're happy. So, tell me about him," Jacob repeated.

"How about first, you tell me how Alice knows I have a 'big hunk of _man meat_ stowed away up in Canada'?" I said it all through gritted teeth. That wasn't exactly something I wanted to share with the bloodsuckers.

"Well, you know how nosey she is. The day you freaked out and thought he knew your secret, Edward saw the situation through my thoughts. It's not like I've been telling them what you tell me. When you didn't come home she took it as a confirmation that you were with him. It's just Alice being Alice. Nothing to worry about."

I had stepped off the bus so anxious that I felt nauseous, and Jake was attempting to make me feel better, more at ease. He held up his end of the bargain by explaining Alice to me, so I told Jacob a little more about Carson than I had on the phone. I told him about our dates and Kamloops and kayaking and the horses and Siwash. He just drove around aimlessly and I rambled on. It felt natural with Jacob; it was like we were both in our second nature and there were no barriers between us.

After about thirty minutes he asked, "So, you love him?" but it was more of a statement. He knew what my answer would be.

"Yes, I do," I said with hot cheeks.

"What have you told him?" The blush faded from my face instantly.

"Nothing. Exactly what I've been _told_ to tell him."

"I didn't make that law, and I'm not going to enforce it. As far as my opinion goes, I think you should tell him. If you love him and he loves you, don't you think he has a right to know?"

"Jacob, I don't know. I'll tell him when the time is right, I suppose. How about you and the bloodsuckers? How is Dartmouth? How is Seth doing?" It was a weak attempt at a subject change, but he picked up on my hint. I filed away Jacob's opinion for later dissection.

"Seth is good. He got a job a couple of months ago at a comic book store in the afternoons. In the mornings, Esme has been tutoring him for his G.E.D. that he is taking when we get back. He applied to Chester College of New England for their fine arts program. They accepted him for spring semester based on his drawings, but he has to pass the G.E.D. New Hampshire seems to be good for everybody."

It definitely sounded like the move had at least been good for my brother. I was glad, but it was almost bittersweet. I was happy that he was succeeding, but unhappy with myself for not doing a better job of keeping up with him. I promised myself to call more often.

"Sometimes it feels like we're on some kind of commune or something. Nessie wants to learn everything. From everyone. Our entire day is centered around teaching her whatever she wants to know. She wants to know World history, American history, Vampire history, Quileute history, Religion, Science, Literature, Math, Music, Cooking, internal combustion engines for Chrissake! I have learned more in the last year than I did in my first seventeen years of life. Did you know that Count von Count is connected to an actual vampire legend or whatever? You know, from Sesame Street. The myth used to be if you threw seeds around your house a vampire would get so distracted counting them that the sun would come up and it would die before it could come in and kill you! How hilarious is that? I was flipping channels one day and Carlisle just spouts off that little gem."

Somewhere in the middle of that, Jake got this look of pride that I swear would have rivaled Edward's.

"You are in so deep, Jacob. You're starting to look like Seth when you talk about them, but I'm glad you're happy."

By the end of his spiel about New Hampshire and the Cullens, we pulled into their driveway. Before Jacob could put his car in park, Seth had my car door open and my shoulders in a tight bear hug.

"I missed you, sis."

"Missed you too, little bro," I said. I couldn't keep the smile off my face. As much as I had been dreading this weekend I couldn't deny the fact that I loved and missed Seth. I thought it was funny how when I spent every second with Seth before I moved away, he got on my nerves. But since I had moved up to Siwash, I had started to miss the little punk.

"Where are the leeches?" I asked.

"Inside with Charlie and Mom," Seth answered, pulling me towards the door.

"Wait, she's here? I thought I would have some time to get settled in before I had to go see her," I whispered. I didn't want her to hear me.

Jake answered me, "Well, I guess this is why she couldn't come pick you up. You were planning on seeing her as soon as you got off the bus anyway. What's the big deal? Get in the house. She's missed you a lot."

I grumbled and slowly marched up the steps into the large white house.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: This song is "Smile Like You Mean It" by The Killers. To me, the phrase 'smile like you mean it' has always been a loaded one. You hear it in school for yearbook pictures and at family reunions sitting next to your pervy uncle while your grama snaps pictures. To me, it signifies the difference between something you want to remember and something you want to forget. If you are genuinely having a good time, you aren't worried about pictures and if they are taken, who cares how they turn out? Those are moments you can never forget. But for all those moments that you never want to remember, there is always someone telling you to 'smile like you mean it.' Leah is having one of those moments. Well, maybe a few of those moments in quick succession.**

**I do not own Twilight**

**This is the fully edited version posted on Twilighted(dot)net**

* * *

Smile Like You Mean It

That night Charlie and Sue wanted to have dinner with just "the kids" as they called us. The only thing that I looked forward to about that night was the prospect of watching Bella choke down food for an hour. First, however, I had to go down to the Rez to try on my dress.

Eddie loaned me his old Volvo so that I wouldn't have to catch a ride with anyone. I was grateful, but I didn't want to say it out loud. Luckily, or unluckily, I didn't have to. He already knew. I wondered if it was worth adjusting back to the oddities of the preternatural world if I was only going to be there for a couple of days.

The ride was short. I knew it well, but that didn't quell the feelings of impending doom. _Wasn't that a sign of internal bleeding? Having a feeling of impending doom..._

I pulled up outside of Sam and Emily's house and turned off the engine. I sat there for a second, staring straight ahead. I drummed my fingers on the steering wheel and let out a deep gust of a sigh. I ran my fingers through my hair. There was no point in worrying about what it looked like; I had traveled all day and no doubt looked like a wreck.

By the time I stepped out of the car, Emily was standing in her doorway with an understanding, knowing look on her face. Sam was standing behind her with a similar expression. I wondered how long they had watched me.

It was a difficult twenty foot walk from the silver car to the steps up to their door. When I reached the top step, Emily pulled me into a tight hug.

"It is good to see you, cousin." Half of her face rose in a delicate smile.

"It's good to see you too, Emily." I knew my smile wouldn't be as earnest as hers, but I forced it all the same.

Sam unexpectedly hugged me, briskly, and stiffened. He must have realized how awkward I felt. "You seem well, Leah."

"I am. Congratulations. On the wedding." I wanted both of them, but especially Sam, to know that I was trying. No. I wanted them to know that I was good. Away from La Push, I was happy. Away from La Push, I had a home.

Being there, in La Push, in Sam's presence, only made the idea seem more palpable. A thought had burrowed into my mind on the ride down from Kamloops. It was a thought that resulted from a feeling of loss. I felt lost on my ride down without Carson. It made me realize that my new home just might be with Carson. Everything had been so confusing. But then, in Sam's front room, I understood. It was like when I was a kid, before my dad taught me how to make a sandcastle. I would try and try to get the dry stand to stack up and stay the way I wanted it to, like I had been trying to get all the little feelings to fit together into a coherent emotion or thought or anything. Then one day, my dad showed me how to take my bucket and fill it full of water to make the sand stick together. Standing in Sam's presence had just been the metaphorical, though past due, big bucket of water to my scattered feelings. They now formed a solid notion: Carson was my home. My sandcastle still crumbled a little around the edges, but it was essentially whole.

It wasn't that my home was in Siwash, or 70 Mile, or Kamloops, or Canada. Carson was my home. Wherever he was or would be, so would be my home and my heart. I would have to tell him. I had been lying to Jacob and to myself when I had said that I would tell Carson when the time was right. Until that moment, I hadn't planned on telling Carson about my second nature. But then I realized that I would be keeping a part of myself from him, and neither of us deserved that.

This whole epiphany or revelation, inspiration or whatever took maybe twenty seconds total. Emily probably didn't even notice the star-struck look on my face but there wasn't a chance in hell that it got past Sam. He gave me a questioning glance and tilted his face, much like his other self would.

Emily simply grabbed me by the crook of my arm. "Come on, your dress and shoes are through here." She pulled me into a guest bedroom that was filled to the busting point with chiffon and satin.

Luckily the cream-colored dress fit. No need for alterations, but that didn't stop Emily from talking about everything else that I would see in two days time.

After forty-five minutes of chocolate tux-ed wolves and cream-covered ladies, Emily remembered my dinner with Sue and Charlie. She had done a good job of picking colors that went well with our sienna skin tones. I was just bored to tears hearing about it. I didn't see Sam again on my way out of the house.

When I was halfway down the winding drive to the Cullen's house, I smelled it. Lasagna. It wasn't the weenie roast over a bonfire I was hoping for, but it also wasn't pan-seared tilapia with almond-browned butter.

I stepped into the house and saw Mom, Seth and Charlie sitting in the living room, playing rummy. Bella was in the kitchen cooking.

"Hey, sis, you want me to deal you in?" Seth smiled up at me like I had been there all along, just in the other room. Mom was focused on her cards, and Charlie gave me a lopsided, lazy smile.

"Sure, Seth." I went to sit on the floor in front of the coffee table on which they were playing. I saw that while Seth was doing miserably, my mother was surprisingly beating Charlie. _He must be letting her win,_ I thought to myself.

"So where are Eddie and Jacob and Renesmee?" I asked. "And why are we eating here? I figured we would be eating at Charlie's."

Seth responded to my first question. "_Edward_," he insisted, "Jake and Nessie are in Port Angeles for the evening."

Then Charlie finished where Seth left off. "Yeah, it was weird, all of a sudden Edward asked, 'Jacob, would you accompany me to Port Angeles this evening?' As if he knew your mom and I had something we wanted to talk to you three about."

Charlie's impression of Ed was spot on and damn hilarious. Seth and I were both snorting with laughter.

"And we're here because it gets crowded at our house after three or four people. As Bella pointed out, there's plenty of room here and she knows her way around this kitchen," Sue finished.

_Yeah, a vampire that knows her way around a kitchen, still creepy. Wait, they wanted to tell us something?!_

Luckily Bella spoke the words I couldn't force out of my mouth, "What did you need to tell us, Dad?" She walked into the living room and sat on the arm of his love seat.

Charlie's cheeks flushed as he smiled and looked at the floor. "Would you like to tell them?" He was blushing like a little boy.

I turned to see my mother smiling back at him. Her eyes were bright and happy. It was the first time I had seen them that way in a long time. She addressed Bella, though her eyes never left Charlie's bashful face, "Dear, your father has asked me to marry him, and I have accepted. But we would like the blessings of our children before anything is decided."

Charlie chuckled and Bella let out a peal of laughter as Seth launched himself at our mother. He pulled her into a tight embrace. "I'm so happy for you, Mom."

Bella said something similar to her father and while I witnessed these exclamations of joy I was left sitting cross-legged on the floor, thinking. I wasn't expecting that. _I probably should have been expecting that._ But I wasn't.

My mom was happy, so I would be happy for her. I wished Carson was there. He would have helped me to be more genuinely happy. I pulled up to my knees and leaned over to hug Sue. Her hair had grown back out to her shoulders. It smelled less like the ocean and the air around First Beach and more like the moist woods of Forks. Charlie had changed her. Changed her into a happier person. She called Bella 'dear,' for goodness sake. And unlike Charlie, Sue knew that Bella was a leech!

I stood up and walked over to where Charlie was now standing, shaking Seth's hand. I didn't think I would, but at the last minute I hugged him and I whispered in his ear, "Thank you for making her happy."

His bristly cheek smiled against mine and when I turned around, Seth was staring at me with wide eyes and Bella had a soft smile on her lips. The only person that hadn't heard me was my mother. I tried to return their looks with a smile but it only tugged up half of my mouth.

Bella announced that dinner should be ready and that we should make our way to the dining room. As she walked by, her ice cold fingers squeezed my forearm in thanks.

Dinner that night was forced and thought provoking, but the lasagna was wonderful.

Seth already had a couple of days head start on time with Mom, so Saturday morning I spent shopping with her in Port Angeles. Our first stop was a computer supply store. I wanted to get my own laptop so that I wouldn't continue to hog the one we all shared in the main room of the cabin. It wasn't like I lacked the money to do so. Nox paid well and I didn't have a lot to spend money on up in the middle of nowhere, Canada. Radioshack, the only store around that sold Apple products, didn't have the model I wanted in stock.

Siwash was quickly brainwashing me into their eco-friendly way of thinking. Hence my decision to purchase an aluminum, completely recyclable computer that our small-town 'Shack didn't stock. So I had mine shipped up to Siwash. It would arrive a couple of days after my return.

After leaving the Radioshack, we ate lunch. _Finally a nice, juicy, medium rare burger with pickles and ketchup and extra cheese._ Then we went to one of the few places I missed during my time in Canada: Baskin-Robbins, thirty-one flavors of heaven in one little shop. Canada didn't know what it was missing. I sure did. I held five different little pink spoons in my hand before deciding on one scoop of Chocolate Fudge and one scoop of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. The seasonal flavors just couldn't beat out the classic favorites.

We made our way home around four so that we would have time to clean up and get dressed for the rehearsal dinner. It wasn't advertised as a big production. Considering that it would be very intimate and only the wolves and their families would come to celebrate the imprinting, the rehearsal would be more like a pre-party. Almost everyone coming Sunday would be there Saturday night.

The dinner was uncomfortable. Jacob was seen as the Prodigal Son, while I was mostly ignored. Seth was somewhere in the middle, but he tried to stick by my side. Sam avoided me, but Emily hugged me several times as we went over where I would stand and how fast I would walk and when. During the actual meal, she was too busy hosting. The only wolves from Sam's pack to even speak to me were Quill and Embry, and I had a growing suspicion that it was only because Jacob told them they should. During their put-on smiles and staged questions about Siwash, I wondered whether it was Jacob's best friend status or the fact that he was their former Alpha that goaded them to socialize with me. They had returned to Sam's pack when Jacob moved to New England, so I was betting that Jacob went with the best friend route.

I just wanted to sit in a corner, eat my grilled chicken, and leave. My mother and Charlie wanted to go home after the dinner, so I rode back to the Cullen's with Jacob. He let me have my silence.

When we walked through the front door, Edward was playing his piano. I didn't know where Bella and Renesmee were, but Jacob walked out the back door and I could only assume it was to find them.

Edward's hands stilled on the ivory keys. "Would you like me to leave as well?" He probably didn't need to read my thoughts to see my discomfort from the events of the evening. It was most likely plain on my face.

"No, you're fine. The music was nice." I didn't have the energy to say something snide or rude. Though I didn't really _want_ to say anything snide or rude. It wasn't in me anymore. I was no longer that girl. The Cullens had certainly been kind to me in the past, and now they would be family, of sorts. I needed to get over the last of my prejudices. At least against the vampires with yellow eyes. Red eyes were still fair game.

I sat down on the sofa and slipped off my shoes. I grabbed a pillow and sank sideways as Edward resumed his musings. A single mascara blackened tear streaked my temple. I caught it before it could stain Esme's white couch. Carson probably expected a call, but I couldn't call him in this state. I fell asleep in my party dress to Edward playing the piano. I didn't hear from Jacob, Bella or Renesmee for the rest of the night.

I woke up the next morning a little sore but feeling better prepared for the big event of the day.

The ceremony was at four o'clock Sunday afternoon on the beach near the cliffs. Billy presided over it as acting elder. It was a simple ceremony. A few words were changed from the typical litany, though. Words like "wife" were changed to "True Spirit Wife." A few phrases were added as well, like "Mate" and "Second Nature." Charlie was the only person in attendance that seemed a little uncomfortable, other than myself, but my mother held his hand the entire time.

After the ceremony, there was a giant bonfire held further up the beach. That was when I finally got another chance to speak with Emily.

"So where are you going on your honeymoon?" I asked her.

"Well, Sam can't go too far away from the pack and I've always wanted to see San Francisco, so we are going to go down to California for a few days," she said with a smile. I don't think she had stopped smiling since I'd seen her.

All the driftwood logs were covered with white linen sheets so that our dresses wouldn't get picks in them or dirty. The men simply took off their shoes and rolled up their pants. It didn't make them look much more comfortable in clothes; only sweat pants could remedy that problem.

We had been sitting on a log, talking for maybe ten minutes, when Sam walked over. "I was thinking I would go on a short walk with Leah, if I'm not interrupting too much."

"No, dear, that's fine. We were just girl talking." Emily replied.

"It won't be long."

Emily stood up from our perch and walked over to Sam. He took her face in his hands and kissed the scars that marked Emily's face. The very ones he gave her. The ones he gave me reacted by forcing every vital organ in my body into my throat. My lips drew thin and my eyes closed. It was still tough to watch. Imprints were hard enough. Who wouldn't be jealous of that much happiness? But this imprint had stolen my cousin, my first, and my naivety. Ignorance was bliss.

I heard Emily's footsteps walking away, but I couldn't wrench my eyes open. They were closed so tightly I could hear the ocean in my ears.

"I suppose I should have asked first."

"You should have," I opened my eyes to look at him. I forced the anger and hurt out of my eyes and as much out of my voice as possible. I wanted my next words to sound as much like a joke as possible. "You prefer your pack ask permission, but you were always more of the 'better to be granted forgiveness than permission' type." By the end of my sentence the smile was less forced.

"That is true. Leah, would you take a walk with me?"

"Yes," was my only reply.

Fifteen minutes later, I still hadn't said another word. We were standing on the cliffs overlooking the place where he had just said his vows to Emily. Then Sam abruptly broke the silence. "What is his name?"

I was startled more than anything. "Has Jacob been talking to you too?"

"No, I smelled him."

"What is it with everyone telling me I smell this weekend?"

My comment went unnoticed and he continued his previous thought. "I admit it was difficult when you first walked in, to think about you with another man."

"Sam, you can't say that," I said, resuming walking. I didn't look at him for fear of crying. I crossed my arms over my chest. My almost perfect sandcastle crumbled a little bit more with each word out of Sam's mouth.

"I know, but let me say it none the less."

"Sam..." I tried to bring up a valid argument against this conversation, but none came.

"Leah, just because I imprinted, does not mean that I do not still feel my connection to you. You were my first. I loved you. I still care for you."

A few moments passed as we both absorbed the gravity of his words. I couldn't yet respond out loud to what he had said. My insides were telling me to scream. My wolf was telling me to run. This wasn't fair.

"I saw you think about him as you walked in the door. I know he makes you happy and I am glad. I do not want to know about him now. That can wait for another time. All I want to know is that he worships you like a goddess, knows you are not a porcelain doll, and understands that you hit like a hammer."

We had both stopped walking in the midst of his address, but I didn't turn to face him until well after he finished. My words were stuck in my throat, so I silently nodded as the tears started to burn my cheeks.

"Good, because those were my thoughts every day with you, but he needs to do better than I did." He placed a large, calloused hand on my cheek and kissed my hair.

I shut my eyes as he walked away from me and back towards the party. There was nothing more that needed to be said between the two of us. We both knew it. He was just giving me time and space to think about it.

I couldn't return to the party. It would be impossible to explain my blotchy face, and it would be unfair to Emily. No one would notice that I was gone anyway. I pulled off my shoes and ran back towards where I had parked the Volvo. I wanted to be home.

I drove back to the Cullen's house. I was praying that Edward and Bella would be off doing something when I got there. They weren't. Bella was reading with Renesmee on the stairs. In front of them, Edward yet again was seated at his piano. _Did he not have one in their new house?_ It didn't matter. All that mattered was getting past Bella, making my way up the stairs, and packing my bag. I wiped more black tears off my cheeks and realized that I would have to ask one of them for a ride to the bus stop.

I stomped down the stairs after packing my bag, and halfway down I realized Edward was waiting for me at the bottom. When I reached the last step, he held out his keys in the palm of his hand. "Take it. Keep it. I have no need for it and you need to be with _him_."

I still couldn't force any words out. I simply nodded my thanks and accepted the keys to the silver Volvo. He would know that I was grateful.

Six and a half hours later, I pulled into Siwash. I felt better just knowing he was close. It was nearly three in the morning; I wouldn't wake him at this ungodly hour. So I parked my new Volvo next to his Jeep and walked into the Cabin. I could smell him in the wood of the walls, his musky, masculine scent. I tried to stifle a sniffle as I walked up the stairs. I didn't want to wake anyone. Though, when I walked into my room, my bed wasn't empty. Carson was asleep, cocooned in my comforter.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: This song is "Hold My Hand" By Hootie & The Blowfish. I had been attempting to write this story without using the same artist/band more than once... but that isn't going to happen. Hootie will be used twice. Darius Rucker is a genius when it comes to pain and emotion. He also knows love and devotion.**

**I do not own Twilight or The Woman Who Married The Sea.**

**This is the fully edited version posted on Twilighted(dot)net**

* * *

Hold My Hand

I dropped my bag, and the tears returned. They came back for the tender sight of Carson in my bed. For the pain of Sam's confession. For the guilt over that pain. For everything Carson had given me that I didn't deserve. For all the things I wanted to give Carson but couldn't.

He stirred under the covers. Sleepy eyes scanned the dark room and in an instant Carson was out of the bed with his arms around me. The warmth of his bare chest was comforting against my cheek. One of his large hands combed through my frazzled hair; the other rubbed my back, effectively soothing my nerves.

I didn't know how long we stood there. Carson, in his low-slung pajama pants, and me, in my satin bridesmaid dress. The room eventually fell silent, interrupted sporadically with sniffles and consoling words from Carson.

"Shh, Naika Leloo. It is all right. Whatever the problem is, it can be fixed," he promised as he twisted from left to right, rocking me.

"I love you, Carson." I said it because I needed to. I wanted to let him know that, whatever problem his mind had come up with, he hadn't caused it.

He picked me up gently and carried me to the bed. He sat down, still holding me in his lap. "I love you too, Leah. I want to tell you one of my tribe's legends. It is the story of The Woman Who Married the Sea."

I had heard the legend before. It originated around the Puget Sound. Many tribes claimed it as their own and each saw the story in a different light. I didn't dare say a word of that to Carson; at that moment, I needed to hear his voice like I needed air to breathe. I would listen to whatever story he wanted to tell me.

"There was once a beautiful young woman. She often strayed from her village so that she could see the tidal pools and the ocean. She loved to swim in the narrow channels and she knew the waters well. She would float and frolic with the sea animals and they grew to not be afraid of her.

"One day, she was deep into the ocean. The waves brought her slowly up and down, but never took her too far away from the shore. She trusted the waters to keep her safe. Her hair floated behind her; her arms rested at her sides.

"The sea fell in love with her that day."

Carson did not look at me while he told the story. He looked over my head, out the window. I, however, could not rend my eyes from his face. His lips were set in a small smile, but his eyes were sad.

"While the young men of the tribe would fish, the women would gather mussels and crabs from the beaches. One day, the woman picked up a clam, but before she could put it in her bag, it was back in the water. She thought it had jumped from her hand, but she convinced herself that it must have slipped. So she walked into the waters and picked it up again. Again it fell from her hand. She walked deeper and picked it up again but it kept leaping from her hand.

"Over and over until she was past her waist in the water. Frustrated, she gave up on catching the clam. She turned toward the shore. She ran her hands through the water, relishing the feel while she could. Then a watery hand held her wrist still, and the most beautiful voice she had ever heard spoke to her.

"'You are the most beautiful woman who has ever lived. Thank you for coming to visit me.' That was all the deep voice said that day and after a few moments the hand let go of her wrist. She walked out of the water, the jumping clam forgotten."

While it was all familiar to me, he told the story with such passion, that I was completely enthralled.

"The next day, another clam led her into the water. The hand grasped her again and she eagerly awaited the beautiful voice.

"'Thank you for coming back to visit me. Let me tell you about my world.'

"'Yes, yes, oh please do.' She was eager to hear anything this voice had to say.

"That day the sea told the woman of the beauties of his world. Of kelp forests, and giant octopuses, and the wonders of the deep waters. She was enthralled. She wanted to see everything that he spoke of and more.

"Every day she returned to the ocean to hear the sea's stories. On the fourth day, he asked her to live in his world, to marry him. She agreed, as long as her father gave permission. The sea gathered himself and stepped out of the water as a young man, the sea's human form.

"They walked hand in hand to the village where her father refused to let her marry the sea. 'No! My daughter will never marry the sea! She will die in the sea!'"

Carson took his gaze from the window then and brought his hand up from around my waist to rest on my cheek. He looked into my eyes with so much emotion for the next words of his story. "The sea thought to himself, 'If she leaves my world, my heart will shatter.' He told the father, 'Then your people will die. I will no longer feed them.' And he returned to the ocean."

Carson released my face and returned his gaze to the window, but my eyes remained wide. I could not fathom what he meant to convey with his telling of the legend.

"The sea kept to his word. He did not feed the village. In the ocean, their canoes found no fish. On the shore, they found no shellfish. The father told his people to go inland, but the sea had dried up the rivers.

"The woman begged her father. He still would not let her marry the sea. So, she went to the sea and asked him to feed her people. He told her that he would not feed the village until she married him.

"On the fourth day, she pleaded with her father to see reason, and he reluctantly agreed.

"'You are right, child. Go get the young man. I must speak with him.'

"She walked back to the ocean and asked him to come back to the village with her. Again, the sea took the shape of a young man and they walked back hand in hand.

"The father addressed the sea, 'I will let you marry my daughter if you agree to two promises. First my daughter must be happy with you.'

"'I will gladly see to that. There is nothing more that I want than to see than her happy every single day.'

"'And my daughter must come back one day each year, so that I can see that she is happy.'

"'I promise that also.'

"And the young people were married, the beautiful young woman and the sea. Those of the tribe that had strength enough to do so, walked them to the shore. The two stepped into the water, deeper and deeper, and disappeared.

"The next day the river was full of water and both the rivers and the ocean were full of fish. There was always an abundance of fish, but on the day before she was due to return, it was as if the fish jumped out of the ocean to be caught.

"The first time the woman returned to her father, she was more beautiful than before and her happiness shone out of her eyes and smile.

"But the second and third visits were not as blessed as the first. The people started to notice that she was having a difficult time breathing and walking on the land.

"On the fourth visit every breath was a struggled gasp. The council met and even the father agreed that she would die if she visited again. 'We must release her from the promise,' he said.

"He said goodbye to his daughter and missed her every day of his long life."

**Carson finished his story, took a deep breath, and looked back down at me. His eyes were bottomless, unreadable. **

"That was beautiful, Carson. Thank you," I said with another sniffle.

"You're welcome, Leah, but I told you that story for a reason. I will not keep you away from your family in La Push. If that is where you belong. If you feel sad here, after being there, you should be there. They deserve to know the Leah that you have become since you moved here. It would shatter my heart for you to leave, but-"

I couldn't let him say another word. He had spent the last hour consoling me, thinking that I wanted to leave him. I cut him off with a kiss. I smiled into his lips and pulled away from him, just far enough that I could clearly see his face and he could see mine. I wanted him to see that I meant my next words.

"Carson, I'm not going anywhere. I guess, I guess I have some explaining to do. I wasn't completely being honest when I said I was going to La Push for my cousin's wedding."

His arms stiffened around me and another wave of guilt hit me for not telling him this sooner.

"I should go back a little. In high school I... dated an older man. He was five years older than me. His name was Sam, and he was my first love. We were together for almost two years, but he eventually drifted away from me. One day, my aunt came down from the Makah reservation to spend some time with my mother. She brought her daughter with her." I looked down from Carson's face as tears pricked at my eyes again. "Sam saw Emily, and you could say it was love at first sight." **I forced a single laugh, but there was nothing funny.** "They have been together ever since. Sam and Emily got married this weekend," I said looking back up at his face. I wanted to see what he thought of my stretching of the truth.

He pulled me closer to his chest and rested his cheek on my head. "Oh, Naika Leloo, why did you not tell me this before? Of course you were upset. He was your first love. That is a link that can never be broken. I would not begrudge you those tears. If anything I am in awe that you had the strength to go by yourself and in shock that Emily and Sam would ask you to be in their wedding. I would have gone with you. I _should_ have gone with you. Why did you not ask?"

"I didn't think it would be fair for you to have to deal with all of that. It was my past and mine to deal with. Though, looking back, I wish you had been there. I needed to be in your arms. I came home as fast as I could."

"And how exactly did you do that? How did you get here in the middle of the night?"

I thought about the Volvo and who gave it to me. Explaining Edward's gift without it sounding like I had a sugar daddy in Forks would be interesting. And then I took a second to think about the parts of my weekend that weren't horrible. Seth, Jacob, Charlie, and my mom.

"Oh, that reminds me! You didn't get to go to that wedding, but I have one I want you to come to," I said with a smile.

"Whose?" Carson asked with a quizzical look on his face.

"My mom's. She's marrying Charlie." I hadn't told Carson much about Charlie other than the fact that he was the Forks Police Chief and the man my mother lived with.

"Well, that's great, but how did you go from 'how did you get here?' to 'your mom's getting married'?" Carson asked with a laugh in his voice. It was so good to hear him laugh. Just that sound alone made me smile.

"Well, my mom's fiancé's daughter's husband gave me his car."

"That sounds complicated," Carson said as he started to kiss from my jaw down to my neck.

"You have no idea," I murmured in reply.


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: This song is "Growing Up Beside You" by Paolo Nutini... it is about Leah and Carson's growing responsibilities and how they are maturing together. And it kind of hints at a theme that we will see emerge in the next two chapters concerning our lovebirds... Oh! And at the very end of the song, if you listen closely, Paolo says "As the wolf cries," and then he howls... C:**

**I don't own Twilight**

**This is the fully edited version posted on Twilighted(dot)net**

* * *

Growing Up Beside You

"Wake up."

"Mm nuh. You wake up. I'm sleeping."

"One, yes, you need to wake up. Two, I can't wake up if I'm already awake. Three, obviously you're sleeping or I wouldn't be telling you to wake up," I informed the snoring, naked log that was Carson. We had spent the night at Outpost. We had spent the night at Outpost; not an regular occurrence, but not unheard of.

"Just a few more minutes, Naika Leloo," he begged as he snuggled into my stomach. I was sitting up reading; most days I woke up with the sun. Music was usually what kept me centered, but it bothered Carson while he slept. Books were a compromise.

"No, you need to get your lazy rump out of bed. Remember, your 'guys day out' with Nox?"

"I have no clue what you are talking about, crazy lady," he said sleepily into my side. Instead of rubbing his face to help the waking up process, he rubbed his morning stubble over the sensitive skin of my belly. When I started to wiggle and giggle, he pulled me closer and blew a raspberry into my side.

After a few tickles and playful swats, Carson stood up out of bed and walked to the bathroom.

Life with Carson had been like that in the three and a half months following Sam's wedding: peaceful, playful, and loving. The peaceful part had the biggest impact. I thought the effort it took to not change when I got upset or angry would lessen over time. I was wrong. It seemed to require more and more effort to control the desire to change. So I was thankful for the relaxing atmosphere Carson exuded. Over time, without the change, my sight was losing its acuity and my senses of hearing and smell were also becoming dulled.

It was odd to not smell out the people in a room before I walked in, or not being able to tell what Carson was doing in the other rooms of Outpost or the staff cabin. But that was how the average person lived and I wanted to grow old. I wasn't placing bets yet on growing old with Carson. I daydreamed about it, for sure, but he didn't know my secret yet, so it wasn't a for sure thing.

A few minutes after retreating into the bathroom, Carson returned fully dressed. "I thought you were going to spend the day with Olivia?"

"We're just doing lunch as far as I know. I'm not meeting her until eleven-thirty. Then I have to finish with the immunizations. Tenas won't be happy. Did you and Nox ever decide what you are going to do?" I asked, laying my book down on my legs.

"I think we decided to bike one of the southern trails." Carson and Nox liked to take weekend trips. "We should be back by supper." He leaned down to kiss my lips and murmured, "I love you."

"Love you, too," I replied, and he walked out of Outpost to go find Nox.

A few hours later, I was sitting in Olivia's breakfast nook, watching her simmer some ground beef for tacos. One night, after I came back from La Push, I 'complained to management' about the 'lack of normal food.' Olivia had been inviting me over to her cabin for 'normal food' at least once a week since. That day, she was craving tacos.

She turned around from the stove, eyes wide, and I could see her thin red sweater was slightly more snug around the middle than a week before. _She was craving something alright._

"Come here! Come here!" Olivia urged. She held the spatula in one hand and her stomach in the other.

I tried not to feel a pang of jealousy as I jumped up from my stool. When I reached Liv, she grabbed my arm and placed it where hers had been a moment before.

And I felt it. It wasn't much. Just a little wiggle underneath Olivia's sweater. That little wiggle broke my heart. Luckily, Liv was already bursting with tears. She probably thought my eyes were moist with happy tears as well. _Regular women do that right? When they get too happy, they cry together._

Olivia was four months pregnant. She had the glowing, mother-to-be bit down pat, and she was smiles all around. Nox wasn't much better; he was as proud as a peacock.

"He started doing that last night," she crooned, rubbing her belly.

"So it's a boy?" I asked, leaning back on the sink.

Olivia sniffled and nodded her head. "Yeah, 16 week check up. Definitely a boy." At that, we both laughed.

Liv more than deserved to be a mother. She pretended to be mine half the time already. So, I tried to reign in my envy.

"So, I kinda wanted to talk to you about something," Olivia said, turning back to the simmering beef.

If it was a subject that made her nervous, I knew it had to be big. I was instantly nauseous. "Er, okay. What did you want to talk about?" I asked in a wary voice.

She caught on. "Oh, no, no! It's nothing bad. It's just a big responsibility. Kind of like a temporary promotion of sorts..." Olivia trailed off. She rubbed her belly and raised her eyebrows suggestively.

"What do you mean? Like _your_ job? Like maternity leave or are you going somewhere?"

"Well, Nox and I weren't planning on leaving, but my parents have been trying to pressure us into staying with them since we told them I'm pregnant. They finally got to Nox this week with the "What if something happens? You're an hour and a half away from the nearest hospital" argument. I talked them into letting us stay until two months before the baby is due."

"So you're _both_ leaving?"

"Well, I'm certainly not going to deal with all these hormones, in my parent's home, _by myself_!" she said with a confused smile. The conversation was turning into one with a lot of inflection.

"Okay, Liv. What exactly are you asking me to do?"

"I want you to run the desk. Take phone calls, show guests to their cabins, arrange schedules, keep Carson in line."

"Keep Carson in line?"

"Well, yeah," Olivia said, now smiling outright. "My biggest chore during the day is to keep Nox from either having an anxiety attack or running off into the woods to play with the horses. Nox and Carson have a lot in common."

"So Carson is taking over for Nox?" Olivia's pregnancy must have been affecting her ability to explain things in their proper order. I was so confused.

"Well, we certainly weren't going to leave Siwash in Luke's hands. We wouldn't have a ranch to come back to!" she said as if it was the most obvious fact. "Nox is probably asking Carson as we speak. You both will need to fit in some time each day to sit with me in the lodge to figure everything out. You will have say in hiring a temporary stable hand to pick up some of the slack for the three months we will be gone. Nox will be back often enough that a temp shouldn't be necessary for Carson."

"Alright, sounds good," I agreed, nervously. "I understand why you chose Carson, but why me? Why not Jillian? She's been here longer, and she's more refined or whatever. Probably a better fit for behind a desk."

"That may be true, but Jillian came from suits and ties and money, and talking business. She wants more. That's why she's here. That's what she's finding here. You came from a more grounded upbringing, real people with real problems. It made you a wonderful woman, but a jaded woman. You want more. That's why you're here. That's what I want to give you."

"Wow, Liv. Where did that little pearl of wisdom come from?" I asked, taken aback but trying to laugh it off. I wasn't offended, but I wasn't quite sure what to make of her statement.

"I dunno. I guess it's the hormones," she said with half of a shrug.

Several hours later, after tacos for me and rounds of vaccines for the horses, I found myself sitting in the living room of the staff cabin, waiting for Carson. Just as it was getting dark, he walked in the front door with his brilliant smile tagging along for the ride.

"I hear you got a promotion today," he said as I stood up to give him a welcome home hug.

"You know, I seem to remember something like that. Though, I think it was about you," I said, smiling into his chest.

"Did you have any idea?" he asked, and I shook my head in response. "What are your duties going to be?"

"I'm supposed to look after you. Make sure you don't have a mental break down," I said with a smirk. "What about you? What exactly does Nox do, anyway?"

"I'm to delegate duties and look ruggedly handsome, of course."

I play-swatted his chest and he captured my lips in a kiss. "Okay, Mr. Ruggedly Handsome, we should get to studying."

My mother and Charlie's wedding was only a couple of weeks away and I was attempting to teach Carson a few names before we headed down there.

"I don't need it," Carson exclaimed, "I've got it all up here." He pointed to his temple with his index finger.

"Alright, Hyas Muckamuck, show me what'cha got."

"Okay. Your mother is Sue, short hair like yours used to be. Your brother is Seth, long, gangly type. Your mom is marrying Charlie, chief of the Forks P.D. His daughter is Bella. Her husband is Edward who gave you his car. They have a kid, Renesmee, who I probably won't meet since she has some really rare disease."

Of course that wasn't true, but I had to think of some reason that he wouldn't see the little brat. He was up pacing the room, smiling, ticking off names on his fingers.

"Edward has two brothers, Jasper and Emmett, and two sisters, Alice and Rosalie. We don't like Rosalie. They are all adopted by Carlisle and Esme Cullen. They are crazy loaded. Jacob is your best guy friend, big as a house. Jacob and Seth live with the Cullens on the East coast. Billy is Jacob's dad. _I_ will not like Sam even if you put up with him and demand that I do the same. Emily is his wife. I can name off a few others like Jared, Paul, and Qwill, but I don't remember anything about them."

"For starters, it's Quil. Don't call him that, he's bigger than you," I said laughing at Carson's antics. "And next, I am impressed you remember that much. You probably won't meet Jared, or Paul, or anybody else. I think Mom decided on a pretty small ceremony."

"That will be nice." He returned to me then, kneeling on the hardwoods in front of the couch. "Erm... I have an idea," Carson said. He bit at the corners of his mouth, not a usual habit.

His hands were resting on my knees, so I rubbed my fingers over his rough knuckles. He took a deep breath to finish gathering his thoughts. "I was thinking, that on our way back from the wedding, we could take the ferry through to Victoria and maybe stop in Sooke for a night..." He seemed unsure. Like I would say no. Like I could say no.

"Of course. I would love to." I smiled, wrapped my arms around his neck and felt the set of his shoulders relax. I giggled at his tension and said, "I guess I have some studying to do myself."


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: "To Be Alone With You" is by Sufjan Stevens. This song touches on a couple of things; it is for both Sue and Leah. They have both found someone they are comfortable being alone with. **

**I do not own Twilight**

**This is the fully edited version posted on Twilighted(dot)net**

* * *

To Be Alone With You

In Siwash, I had confidence. Whether it was on the back of a horse, or sitting behind Olivia's desk. I walked with my shoulders back because I wanted people to see my smile, from the center of my being. I had friends that kept me from getting too serious. I had a new family in Liv and Nox, one that loved me for who I was. I had Carson, my home. All sans wolf.

In La Push, I was of a different sort. I was anxious, nervous. I walked around with my shoulders pushed forward to deflect the stares. I was abrasive and combative. I felt more like my old self. Like I could, and would, phase at any second and rip someone's throat out. My hands were constantly in fists, shaking, my body begging me to change.

Luckily, I had a strong, warm hand forcing mine out of a fist and into his.

I was correct in assuming that my mother would want a small wedding. There were only about fifteen people, our closest friends and family. Unfortunately, that meant Sam and Emily. I smiled cordially and said hello while Carson did his best impersonation of a statue. A very grumpy statue. There was something adorable and endearing about it.

My mother and Charlie walked each other down the aisle. They didn't have bridesmaids or groomsmen. They wouldn't say why. I knew Charlie wouldn't have the words; he wasn't the articulate type. And my mother wanted to keep her reasons to herself. Either way, I saw their meaning when they stood before the small chapel. Even though they stood before us by themselves, they were no longer alone. They would always have each other.

Seth and I had left our mother to fend for herself just after our father died. We needed to figure out who we were, but that shouldn't have been an excuse. Bella had left her father as well, though years after her mother, and to lessen the risk on her father's life.

No matter, they had found each other.

My mother stood before us in a calf-length, lace, cream-colored dress. Her hair was still very short in the back and a little longer on the top, feathering out to the side, much more feminine than mine ever was. She held a single, large burgundy rose in her hands.

Charlie stood next to her, in a chocolate suit that matched his curly hair, though his hair was starting to gray.

They had a simple service with simple vows. Carson held my hand the entire time. I held back my tears. I missed my father, but I knew that he would want Mom to be happy, and he certainly wouldn't want her to be alone anymore.

The tables at the reception were small, only allowing four, but there were more people invited to the celebration than the actual ceremony, so the banquet hall was packed. The seating arrangements were not how I would have thought my mother would have placed them, but they worked just fine for me. Mom sat with Charlie, Bella, and Edward at the head table. I sat at the next table with Carson, Jacob, and Seth. Beyond our table was the table seating Bella's mother and step-father. I thought that was awkward, but it seemed that I was the only one. Also sitting with Bella's mother were Sam and Emily, our closest living relatives, because that was how it was supposed to work. Husband and wife, relatives, then friends. Wouldn't be my choice.

"Oh my God, I take this class on Monday mornings. No. Joke. 'The Zombie Metaphor in Western Culture.' How cool is that?" Seth said excitedly while we ate our grilled chicken. Carson was laughing at Seth's enthusiasm. "Leah, I think even you would like this class. You can break down zombie movies and comics into allusions to feminism, wars, the civil rights movement, homophobia, or the social caste system, depending on how you look at it."

Carson responded, "I always thought that zombies were a statement on the class systems as well, but then I saw 'Shaun Of The Dead' and I've since considered the option that they could reference the human race's growing ignorance to the world around itself, as a whole. I know that 'Shaun' is a satirical look at the genre, but sometimes it takes looking at a serious topic from a comedian's point of view to better understand it."

It had been like that the entire weekend. Carson could have a lively conversation on any topic, with any member of my extended family. Especially Seth, for some reason. Every time they walked into the same room, I expected fireworks their chemistry was so good. It made me smile that Carson got on so well with my family.

I turned to Jacob. "You must feel like this all the time living on Compound-Cullen," I said with a smirk.

He dropped his fork and looked at me with mock-serious eyes. "You have no idea. It's like being a janitor in a think tank," Jacob laughed. Then he motioned towards Carson, "Is he like this all the time?"

"He's more tame in his natural habitat, but yes, pretty much."

Carson squeezed my left hand and kissed my temple, "Alright, no more zombie talk over dinner."

To that, my brother responded, "Aw, man, Leah, you spoiled all the fun. Hey, Carson, have you seen Watchmen yet?"

_Oh jeez, here it comes._

"Seth has managed to watch it nine times," Jacob said with his eyebrows raised in disbelief.

Before Carson had a chance to respond, Seth was defending himself. "Well, I have this rule that I have to read the novel more times than I see the movie." Then he turned to Jacob and said, not as amicably, "I have to be a real fan; I do work in a comic book store, you know." After his little rant, he turned back to Carson and restated his original question, "So, have you seen it?"

Carson was still laughing as he responded, "Yes, Leah and I rented it about a month ago. I thought it was very interesting, but I haven't read the graphic novel, so I don't have anything to compare it to." He said it with an air of finality and reached over to hold my hand again. He remembered our conversation about my father. He didn't have to say anything, but I could tell what he was thinking. He didn't want to touch on a difficult subject that might upset me.

I was smiling, thinking of how thoughtful Carson was, when Quil and Embry walked up. I had enjoyed the ceremony well enough, but by that point, I just wanted to get out of my party dress and have some alone time with my significant other.

"Hey man, talk about the joining of two worlds, right?" Embry said as he shook Jacob's hand, but it was one of those guy handshakes, so it looked more like a wide angled slap.

I saw Jacob squeeze Embry's hand as he looked sternly in his eye. "I wouldn't consider Forks and La Push 'worlds apart,' Embry; you're only sixteen miles from home."

Embry looked over at Carson and realization hit, "Yeah, I know... I was just saying... You and Seth think you'll be here long enough to maybe go for a run with me and Quil?"

"We'll see," was Jake's only response. Then he turned to Quil, "How's Claire?"

The sudden change in Quil's face was comical. "Oh man, she's so great. She starts school this fall, and she's so excited. I can't wait. She already has her first day outfit picked out. She wants me to drive her."

_Damn imprinting._

Jacob and his former pack talked for a few more minutes before they went to go sit back down at their table. They didn't say a single word to me.

After they left, Seth turned to me, "Have you thought any more about what your major is going to be?"

Carson raised his eyebrows and looked at me expectantly/ That wasn't a topic I had chosen to talk about yet. "Erm, actually I've been doing a lot of work with Olivia, like behind the scenes at Siwash. She's been showing me how things operate and how to work the books and run the website. I like it. I've been thinking about looking into business management or tourism. Something like that."

"I think that's great, Leloo," Carson whispered to me. He was oblivious to the fact that almost every male and a few of the women in the room could hear him. Jacob and Seth just snickered as Carson kissed my hot cheek.

"Are you in school, Carson?" Jake asked.

"Not presently. I took some classes in Vancouver before I moved to Siwash... At UBC."

"So what do you do at the ranch?"

_Oh, crap. Twenty questions. _

"I do a little bit of everything from mending fences," Carson said, stealing a glance at me with a crooked smile, "and taking out kayaking groups, to planning schedules, and setting up special events."

"How long have you lived at Siwash?"

"A little over four years. I'm twenty-five. My birthday is in about a month, May 8th. That makes me a Taurus. I grew up in Sooke. My parents are Joseph and Christine. Only Child. I drive a Wrangler, and I prefer the doors and roof off. I like older rock and roll music and movies in the action genre. My favorite color is cerulean blue, though I've been told it doesn't go well with my skin tone. I have no skeletons in the closet, relationship wise. I mean, I dated, but nothing serious, until I met Leah. And I love her very, very much. Anything I missed, Jacob?" Carson asked with an innocent smile.

My cheeks grew impossibly warmer. Every wolf and every vamp in the room would have just heard his declaration. I noticed Jacob look over my shoulder and I turned to see what he was looking at. What I saw was Edward, attempting to fight a smile, while giving Jacob a thumbs up behind Bella's back. I turned back around to Jacob and gave him the meanest look I could muster. His only response to me was to lean back in his chair, cross his arms, and laugh.

"Nope, I'm pretty sure you've got everything covered," Jacob responded.

"Why is it that you are so protective of Leah? Don't get me wrong, I am glad to know there has been _someone_ here with her well-being in mind, but why you?" I didn't need my wolf senses to see Sam clench his jaw and flex the muscles in his neck at the table next to ours.

"Leah and Seth are both family for me. I keep Seth close enough that I can keep an eye on him, but I don't have that luxury with Leah. We would rip each other's throats out. Any chance I have, she gets twenty questions and then some. I know enough about you just from the topics about you she avoids, but I wanted to hear a few things from you. Acceptable?"

"Acceptable."

With that, a truce settled back over the table and Carson and Jacob got along right as rain again.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: "Hand Me Down" is by Matchbox 20... It shows how Carson feels when he sees Leah back home in La Push. Nobody ever really treated her the way she deserved, and he is determined to do just that.**

**I do not own Twilight.**

**This is the fully edited version posted on Twilighted(dot)net**

* * *

Hand Me Down

It was difficult to watch Naika Leloo's transformation. I watched her wilt and wither in the presence of her so-called peers in La Push and Forks. I felt like I truly saw her for the first time that weekend. Months prior, she had explained to me that the reason she was so withdrawn was that a man had broken her, but seeing her then, I knew. I knew that it was not _one man_ that rendered Naika Leloo unable to trust me with her heart, it was nearly every person that had touched her life before she moved to Siwash.

I did not doubt Leah's honesty when she told me she had only ever been with one man, but every young man from La Push would either avoid our table at the wedding completely, or just ignore Leah if they came up to talk to Seth or Jacob. I wondered how young men, with no emotional history with Leah, could completely disregard such a beautiful sight. I found it thought-provoking, to say the least, but then I realized that every one of the young men that deliberately avoided Leah was close with _him, _the one that had shattered the heart of my beloved. In one mass act of juvenile unkindness, they had chosen sides. The brawny males of La Push may have looked like men, but they were nothing more than boys: immature.

When she introduced me to classmates from high school or neighbors from La Push, they were introduced as just that. She never referred to anyone as an old friend.

I wanted to pick her up into my arms and take her away from the people that didn't care about her. Take her away from the people that had hurt her. Away from the people that sent her back to me in tears. Away from him. From Sam.

I knew I didn't have both sides of the story, but Sam had broken every unspoken rule of dating. And inviting Leah to his wedding didn't seem especially repentant.

I also knew that if I did instigate a fight, verbal or physical, Leah would not easily forgive me. She fought her own battles. We were partners, equals. She wanted me to look at him as her cousin's husband, and I respected her wishes to the best of my abilities. The best of my abilities did, however, include a couple passive-aggressive jabs during the reception, that he may or may not have overheard.

I know that the comments were my own attempts at juvenile unkindness, but my heart told me that while Leloo did not deserve that type of treatment, he did.

I reminded Naika Leloo in any way that I could that I was there; a smile, a glance, a touch, all reassuring. The set of her shoulders would relax every time I would squeeze her tense hand.

I liked Seth. He seemed like a happy-go-lucky kind of kid. Though, 'kid' wasn't exactly an accurate term; they bred 'em big in La Push. Looking at him, my first thoughts were that he could beat, break, or kill anything that got in his way. But as soon as we started talking, I realized he wouldn't hurt a fly. He was Leloo's antithesis. If Leah was a peach - soft, fragile-looking exterior, with its heart and soul, its seed, protected by the pit - then Seth was a hard candy with a surprise, bubble gum center. We found ourselves talking about a number of subjects including, but not limited to zombies, hockey, and James A. Michener.

I liked Jacob as well. I liked that he seemed compelled to be protective of Leah. Though, I was still unsure as to his reasoning. Our little spat over the main course of dinner was nothing more than amusing to me. Leloo, however, did not seem to enjoy the moment as much as Jacob and myself.

After the rice was thrown and Chief Swan and Sue left for some private, tropical island, I drove Leah back to the Cullen's house. Leah and I originally thought that getting a room in Port Angeles would be best, but between Esme's request and Jacob and Seth's insistence, we were swayed and provided one of the many guest rooms.

After spending three days in the sprawling white house before the wedding, I started to notice little things about Leah's new in-laws. Leah had told me that the 'children' were all adopted by Carlisle and Esme, but they all looked related, even if just in the sense that they all looked like they just walked off of a New York runway. Leah explained that before moving to Forks, they lived in Alaska. I'd never seen anyone from Alaska look quite like they did, but for argument's sake, even if I believed that, it still didn't explain why Charlie Swan's daughter looked less like her father and more like her husband: deathly pale.

The other subject I couldn't quite interpret was Renesmee. I caught a glimpse of her once when Charlie came to see her. She appeared to be a perfect amalgamation of Bella and Edward's appearance, even though I was told she was adopted. She was really Edward's niece, and it was just a coincidence that she looked exactly like Bella. But that didn't explain the look in Jacob's eyes whenever the child was brought up in conversation. I had many questions, but they were all quickly ducked.

"The wedding was beautiful," I said, on the way back to the Cullen's house after the reception. I knew it was a lackluster way to break the tension, but Leah hadn't spoken since we left the reception. She chose instead to stare out the window at the moist green mass that was the Olympic Peninsula.

"Yeah, it was," she responded, distractedly.

I reached over to hold her hand, and she looked over at me with a sad sort of smile.

We didn't speak again until I pulled my Jeep up in front of the massive white house. I pulled the brake and turned in my seat to look at the beautiful, sad woman sitting in the passenger seat.

"Talk to me," I begged.

"About what, Carson?" she asked with an exasperated sigh, looking down at our clasped hands.

"About the wedding, about why you're upset, about what the hell is going on in that house, about why the moss grows on the north side of trees. Anything. Just talk to me, Leloo. You've barely spoken since Jacob's Spanish Inquisition. I will not apologize for what I said, if that is what has you upset. I read once that a person should never apologize for their feelings, for to do so would be to apologize for the truth. And I didn't say anything that I didn't mea-" I didn't finish my statement because she turned to me and started to say something herself, but it didn't come right away. She opened and closed her mouth a couple times, trying to figure out her wording, I assume. Then she ducked her head towards the window and looked up at the Cullen's house.

When she turned back to me, a decision had been made. "Let's go for a walk, okay?" she asked.

"Okay."

She slipped off her shoes and stepped out of the car barefooted. I watched her walk towards the back of the house and wrap her shawl tighter around her shoulders. I followed her lead, taking off my shoes and long black socks. By the time I caught up with her, she was standing with her arms crossed, looking out over the stream behind the house. In my head, I had a hundred questions that I wanted to ask her, but my heart knew that I should give her time. I stood next to her for several minutes before she grabbed my hand and led me further upstream. Her small hand felt perfect inside my own. Even though we weren't speaking, I was hopeful that our hand holding was a sign that she was willing to talk. That she wanted to open up, instead of sitting in silence like she had for the hour prior.

Eventually, she paused at a point in the stream. She released my hand and used it to hold up her dress, her other hand she used to balance herself as she stepped into the water. I knelt down and rolled up the bottoms of my pants, and followed her. It was a wide, shallow part of the stream, but I found that if I didn't step exactly where she did, I ended up calf-deep in the water with muddy toes. By the time we made it to the other side, Leah had wet ankles and my pants were wet up to my knees. She gifted me with a small, sly smile, the first in hours.

Instead of continuing to walk parallel to the river, she reached for my hand and led me into the tree line. "You seem to know your way around out here," I noted.

"I spent a lot of time back here. right before I moved up to Siwash." She released my hand and stepped up onto a small hill covered with ferns and long grasses. The trees above it were bowed together into a canopy that kept the grassy knoll miraculously dry. Leah stepped onto the crown of the hillock and sat down. She was then sitting at my eye level with her arms wrapped around her knees.

"Leloo, whatever happened, whatever is wrong, we can fix it."

Leah had been looking down at her knees, but at my words, she looked at me and I could see the hurt in her eyes. "No, Carson, it can't be fixed. I can't be fixed. I'm..." she trailed off, not finishing her thought.

I saw her eyes water, and I knew the distance between us was far too great. I quickly stepped up the hill and sat down next to her, pulling her into my lap. With my arms securely around her, I whispered, "It's okay. Just talk to me; I'm right here." My mind was racing with possible reasons for her being so upset. _Does she regret introducing me to her family? Did I really upset her that much with what I said to Jacob? Is this about Sam?_

After a full minute with no response from her, I realized, "This is bigger than tonight, isn't it?" I felt her nod under my chin. "How far back does it go?"

"All the way back."

"To the beginning of us? Or further back?" I asked

She gave a single, bitter, breathy laugh and replied, "Both." My heart dropped into my stomach.

"Well, let's start with last June, and we'll work our way back," I suggested.

"I fought you so hard."

"Yes, you did." I tightened my grip around her small frame. "Why?"

"Because I knew a relationship with you would either end badly and you would break my heart, or we would be great together and I would end up breaking yours." I felt like she was speaking in riddles, but I gave her time to explain herself. "I didn't want to get into a relationship knowing that it had an expiration date stamped on it."

I could no longer resist asking, "What do you mean? I don't understand."

"I knew I could never give you a family." She paused and took a deep breath. "I can't have children, Carson."

So that was it. She thought she didn't deserve to be happy in a relationship because she couldn't bear children. _How absurd._

"And you deserve someone that can give you that. You said yourself that this is the only serious relationship you've ever been in. And what is the endgame for 'serious relationships'? Making a family." She started to pull away from me as she said, "I understand if you don't-" but I cut her off and caught her face between my palms.

"Is that what he did to you? He left you because you couldn't have children?" I asked, but I never gave her a chance to respond. "You're wrong. Love is the endgame, and I love you."

"I love you, too."

I pulled her face to mine and poured all of my love into a kiss. I murmured "I love you's into kisses that covered her lips, her eyes, her cheeks, her chin, her neck. She slid my dinner jacket over my shoulders, and I moved my hands from the sides of her face, down her arms, to her back.

I made love to her on the grassy hillock and it was the most natural, beautiful experience of my life. I felt as if all the barriers between Leah and myself had finally fallen away. I repeated over and over that I loved her, because it was the truth. Nothing else mattered, and I told her that while we were lying holding each other, covered with nothing but the jacket to my discarded suit.

"One day, when we're married," I started with a smile, but before I could continue she scoffed. I laughed at the sound. "I'm not saying I'm proposing; I'm not down on one knee, am I? But one day, we _will_ be married. And when we are, we can look into adopting. If that is what _you_ want," I clarified. "I have everything I need, _right here_," and I gave her a firm squeeze. She kissed the hollow where my neck met my shoulder, and I relished in her silent agreement.

We lounged in a beautiful silence, looking up at the blue-green canopy. After a while I spoke again. "You know, adoption seems to be a theme this weekend. Carlisle and Esme adopted all of their children. Edward and Bella adopted Renesmee. Jacob seems to have adopted you and Seth as siblings. Nox and Olivia have many children that they would claim as their own. Especially you. Sometimes, adoptive families mean more than biological families. When you're related by blood, you have to love someone. But when you're brought into a family, it is because they have chosen to love you no matter what, not because they have to."

She lifted her head from my chest, smiled at me and said, "I love you, Carson."

I couldn't resist my answering smile, "I love you, Naika Leloo."

"Let's head back. We wouldn't want my adopted brother to come out looking for us," she said with a devilish smirk, and I knew everything would be alright.


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: "I See You" is by Mika. He is a Lebanese-Londonian, and absolutely adorable. I could use all of his songs for this story. While the lyrics of this song don't exactly match this chapter, I feel like the themes match perfectly. Carson better understands Leah because he has really _seen _her now.**

**I do not own Twilight.**

**This is the fully edited version posted on Twilighted(dot)net**

* * *

I See You

When we got back to the mansion, all of the Cullens were already there and waiting. As per usual, each member of the family was engaged in an activity. I assumed that Jacob and Seth were still enjoying themselves at the reception.

Emmett was outside, hosing mud off of an enormous red Jeep. Luckily, my beat-up, older Jeep was parked as far away from his as possible. He grinned and waved as we walked into the house. Inside, Esme was at the wall of computers; Jasper was playing chess with Carlisle. Alice was twittering about a flurry of lace and silk that I realized was Rosalie. _Is she altering a wedding dress?_ I thought to myself. Bella was leaning against the raised platform, reading an old, worn text. Edward was perched at his piano, playing an upbeat piece. The television was on, but it was muted. The only sounds in the room were Edward's melody and Alice humming along. Other than that, they were completely silent.

I could smell something cooking in the kitchen, but there didn't seem to be anyone tending to it. However, that seemed to regularly be the case in the Cullen home: there was always something cooking in the kitchen, readily available to nibble on. I suppose, though, that it made sense with that many people living under one roof. No telling when one of them is going to get hungry, especially the big one. Preparing for family meals must be comparable to Christmas dinner, except three times a day.

With Jacob and Seth's absence, the Cullens could use their pale complexions to all but camouflage themselves in their bright, white home. Their pale clothes seemed to be nothing more than an extension of their skin. They were like seven beautiful-faced, chameleons. Except that they didn't change themselves to fit their surroundings, they altered their surroundings to fit themselves.

I wasn't sure what message the Cullens were trying to convey, whether it was meant as a display of options for that evening's entertainment, or to say, "We're all busy, leave us alone." I seriously doubted it was the later, but I still wanted to get Leah up the stairs and into my arms.

At the risk of sounding rude or disinterested, I announced to the room, "Goodnight, everyone."

Each of the Cullens said goodnight in turn, and I walked Naika Leloo up the stairs to our temporary quarters.

Once upstairs, Leah spoke very little, but I was no longer worried. All weekend, she had seemed adverse to saying much of anything once we were inside the Cullen home. So with few words spared between us, we undressed and climbed into the large, lush bed.

I held her close to my chest. After a few minutes, her breathing slowed as she fell asleep. I gave a single laugh as I thought about how Leah had been worried what I would think about her family and what they would think of me. I kissed the top of her head and whispered, "I love you. I think this whole peninsula might be bat-shit crazy, especially the Cullens, but I love you." I couldn't help but laugh once more.

She stirred at my laugh and looked up from my chest with a face that was, amazingly, both sleepy and grumpy. "Shut. Up. And go to sleep," she said, putting a clumsy hand over my mouth.

She put her head back on my chest and returned her hand to my side. I was a little shocked at her words, but then she whispered, "I love you, too," and I smiled up at the ceiling.

Several minutes later, she fell back asleep. As soon as her breath slowed, I started to relax. We fell asleep like this almost every night, with her head on my chest, and I was starting to find that I could only fall asleep to the steady rhythm of her sleepy breathing. It only took a few minutes for me to fall asleep as well.

I awoke the next morning after the best night sleep of my life. I sat up and looked over at Naika Leloo. She reached a peace in slumber that she couldn't grasp in her waking hours. I slipped my hand under the hem of her tank top and placed it on her bare stomach. It would be a lie to say that I had never fantasized about building a family with Leah. We would still have a family, that I knew for certain, but I needed to slightly adjust my visions of the future. So I sat there and silently mourned the loss of the idea of Leah's expanding belly.

I stood up and started to pack our things into our respective knapsacks. Leah, surprisingly, packed less than I did. I finished packing her bag first, and sat it by the door. I kept the light off, the glow from the large windows was bright enough that I could pack without disrupting my sleepy lover.

After a few minutes, Leloo started to stir. I stilled my hands, mid-fold. She rolled over towards my side of the bed, and when her hand found an empty sheet, it reached farther. The realization must have hit that I was no longer in the bed, because quicker than I could process, she was sitting straight up in bed, looking at me with fear in her eyes.

I didn't understand her expression until she looked from me, to the empty bed, to the bag that I was packing: mine. She didn't say anything, but I knew immediately what she was thinking. To her, it would look like I was packing my bag in the dark so that I could sneak out unnoticed. She thought I was leaving her.

I dropped the shirt I was folding and held my hands out to her. The gesture was partially meant to beckon her into my embrace, but it was also meant to show her that my actions meant no harm. My body instinctively knew what Naika Leloo needed, but my mind was unable to properly respond to the situation. I felt like I was running through sand, trying to come up with something to say to remedy the predicament I had gotten myself into.

Before I could stop myself, the words tumbled out of my mouth, "Leloo, this isn't what it looks like."

I watched her chest fall as the air escaped her parted lips. I could almost see my words hitting her like a blow to the chest. She pulled the sheet close around her, stood up from the bed, and turned for the door. I reached for her but she smacked my hand away. She held her hand in between us like a barrier or like she was holding an invisible shield.

"Let me explain. Please." But she didn't stop until she reached the door with her hand on the knob.

When she replied, "You don't need to," she didn't sound angry, merely defeated, like she had been expecting it. The sound tore at my heart.

"But I'm not going anywhere," I hastily said. "At least not without you," I added hopefully.

Still facing the door, she stumbled over her words at first, trying to decide what to say.

Turning, she asked, "What?"

But her toes connected with her bag before I could better explain myself. She looked down at her duffle and her eyebrows furrowed. She looked up at me with an expression that was both confused and hopeful.

"I'm not going anywhere without you." I overly enunciated every word, and my message finally sunk in. She ran across the room, the white sheet flowing around her gracefully. I pulled her into my arms and she nuzzled her face into my chest.

Crisis averted, we said our goodbyes to the Cullens and headed North towards the port.

The ferry ride was relaxing, physically, at least. The gentle sway of the barge always soothed the space between my shoulders. Leah and I leaned against the railing; I held her between my arms as we looked out over the gray sound. Her eyes were worried and I could see the tiny creases that appeared when she pursed her lips in thought. I wondered if it was over meeting my parents. I wanted to ease her stress. However, I knew that saying, "They'll love you," wouldn't be entirely honest because there was no way to predict what my parents would think.

Joseph and Christine had had their say in most aspects of my life and I had respected that as their only son. But in that moment, on the ferry, I knew their opinions would hold no weight in my decision to take Leah as my wife one day. My heart and my mind could not have picked a more perfect partner or a more perfect mate for me.

So I held her a little tighter than I normally would have, and I kissed every reachable inch of her warm skin.

The ferry eventually reached the port, and we got back in the Jeep. The drive time to and from the ferry wasn't nearly as long as the actual ferry ride itself. Within ten minutes we passed into the reservation and I could see Leah visibly stiffen. In comparison to La Push, the houses in Sooke were all slightly larger. They all had solar panels perched atop their roofs, and most had some form of hybrid car parked in the driveway.

I was embarrassed that I hadn't better explained my home and its connection to Siwash. I hadn't even properly warned her about my parents. They could be a little forward, and I could just imagine how they would corner her or even worse: separate her from me. I would have to do everything in my power to keep that from happening.

I parked my Jeep next to my father's Insight. I could see tiny paw prints in the pollen that dusted it. Most likely, it was a neighbor's cat. I walked around to the passenger side where Leloo was leaning against the door, looking at her shoes. I stood in front of her, uncrossed her arms, and held her hands in mine. After a few seconds, she looked up at me with questioning eyes. I couldn't avoid it any longer; I needed to reassure her.

"Naika Leloo, I love you. What you told me yesterday does not change that. We can talk about it or we can never speak of it again, whatever you want. I'll follow your lead from now on. That being said, I'm glad I met your family this weekend. I'm glad they seem to like me, because I know that is important to you. Well, I at least know your brother likes me, your mom is a little harder to read." I laughed, nervously. Monologues weren't really my style but Leah wasn't volunteering any information.

"When it comes to my parents, they're a little different, but I feel differently about them than you do your family. I value their opinion for the mere fact that they will have one. But when it comes right down to it, their opinion means shit to me right about now. They may very well love you just as much as I do, but if they don't, I don't care. I adore you. That's what matters."

I looked into her eyes, tracking from the left to the right, until she jumped up and kissed me full on the mouth. _Note to self: blunt works._

I broke off the kiss and led her to the doorway. We both had a considerable pep in our step.

I rang the bell and within seconds my mother appeared. Her smile was so wide, I think I could count every tooth in her mouth. She was all but vibrating in excitement.

"Oh, Carson it's so good to see you! We've missed you so!" She stepped over the threshold and threw her arms around my neck. "And you must be Carson's Tenas Leloo!" My mother said everything in exclamation. Instead of shaking Leah's hand, she reached for both, I suppose to squeeze them in more exclamation. At least she didn't go immediately for the hug. But that did mean she came upon our clasped hands, which lead to a squeal.

I grimaced and corrected her. "Mother, this is _Leah_," I said with emphasis on the only name my mother would be allowed to call Naika Leloo.

"Kloshe, kloshe," she conceded: _right, fine. _Her gaze tore from Leah's terrified face back to my own. "You're going to cook lunch with me. Your father has some errands to run. _Leah_ can accompany him. Can't you, Leah?" _Ah, crap._

"Actually, Leah and I could both cook. I'm sure Father is fully able to handle his errands on his own," I suggested.

"But I want some time to catch up with my Klahanieman. Please," my mother pleaded.

Before I could protest further, I heard a faint, "Okay, sure," from my right.

_This is going to be a long day._


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: "How Bizarre" is that crazy song by the one hit wonder, OMC. **

**I've added a little "news" section to my profile... It has some pretty awesome announcements in it, including BSL's nomination for an Indie! Voting opens 2/20. So get over there and vote!**

**BSL was also featured on The Little-Known Ficster today. It was an absolutely beautiful write up.**

**I don't own Twilight**

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How Bizarre

Carson stepped up to the door and rang the bell. I wasn't sure the ring had finished echoing through the massive house before Carson's mother answered. I knew it was her by the smile. It was Carson's, exactly. She called me "Carson's Tenas Leloo" ... _His Little Baby Wolf_. He turned a shade of red that no man this side of the North Pole should ever achieve.

Before I could even stop myself, I agreed to spend part of the day with Carson's dad, just to stop the torture on the front porch.

We walked into the house, and the first thing I noticed were the scents. It smelled like Mrs. Monte had been in the kitchen all morning already. Based on first impressions, I wagered a guess that she didn't need a bit of help in that kitchen. The more likely situation: either I was being singled out, or Carson was.

The next thing I noticed was how beautiful the house was. To the left, a sitting room, filled with delicate tables and couches that looked like they would break if someone actually did sit on them. Directly in front of us was a hallway that led to the kitchen. Two sides of the foyer itself were the staircase leading to the second floor. To the right of the landing, two glass-paned doors stood open and a slightly round man walked out and greeted me with another face-cracking smile.

He was headed directly to me, hand extended. I wasn't sure if he had even noticed Carson, but Carson certainly noticed the manic look in his eyes. He stepped forward and took his father's hand in his own.

"Father," he said with a definite threat in his voice. "It's good to see you. Mother tells me you're taking Leah to run errands?" he asked with eyebrows raised.

"I have a proposal to drop off." Mr. Monte's smile wavered, and his eyes shot to his wife. "And your mother has given me some other errands to take care of." I didn't miss the miniscule eyebrow twitch at the end of his sentence. Their words were saying one thing, but their eyebrows were having an entirely different conversation.

Carson sighed, defeated, and released his father's hand. I could see the tension in his shoulders as he stalked off towards the corner of the foyer were a plush pet bed was laid out. Lying there was a small, snoring dog, kicking in her sleep.

I looked away from Carson and was greeted with Mr. Monte's brilliantly smiling face again.

"Leah, it is just a delight to meet you. From what I hear, congratulations are in order."

He shook my hand vigorously; when he released it I returned my arms to the safety of my waist. I looked up at him in an attempt to discover what he was congratulating me for.

"On your mother's marriage, of course."

"Oh, erm..." I stumbled over my words. I was ecstatic that my mother was happy, but deep down, I still had a few things to come to terms with. "It was... It was really beautiful."

As if he read my thoughts, Joseph responded with what felt like poetry. "Family is never replaced, dear; it is only renewed."

The stress inside of me ebbed away a tiny bit, and felt my hands loosen their hold on my stomach. I looked over to Carson, and he was gazing at his father with a look of wonder upon his face, like he had just discovered something that had been hidden. I had as well.

A few minutes later, after an awkward, overly-supervised goodbye, Carson's father and I were out the door.

The car was a two seater, but it was all windows. Windows and gadgets. Mr. Monte shifted into reverse and pulled out of the drive way.

"Thanks be given, she's a woman!" he said.

I whipped my head around at his words, and his mouth was open in a slight smile, his eyes raised to the roof of the car. "What?" I demanded.

Joseph brought his eyes back to the road for a moment before looking at me with bright eyes and a big smile. "It's just that, you're a woman."

"Well, yeah. Last time I checked, at least. But I didn't realize that was a reason for praise!" I responded. I didn't think I could have been more confused.

"It's just that, Christine and I were a little worried that you might not be." He raised his eyebrows and tilted his head suggestively. It took a few seconds, but I was pretty sure that once his words sunk in, my eyeballs bugged completely out of my skull. That threw Mr. Monte into a a rousing fit of backpedaling. "I mean, it's not as though if he _had_ brought home a gentleman, we wouldn't have approved or would have loved him less. Not at all. It's just that you being a woman makes things..." he paused, "...easier, I suppose. I'm sure that's not the P.C. way to say that, but it's true."

I leaned back in the seat, relieved that there wasn't some deep dark secret about Carson that his dad had just dropped on me. I pursed my lips and then sighed through them, puffing out my cheeks in exasperation after only three minutes in the car with Carson's dad.

Mr. Monte must have noticed the stress written all over my face, because he decided he needed to further explain himself. "You know, you're the first girl he's ever brought home, ever even mentioned for that matter. A parent has to worry, you can understand? Of course I've always wanted him to be happy, but no father wants his only son to be... _gay._"

He didn't say it like being gay was a bad thing, and that was nice, instead he said it as if he was realizing the pun as it was coming out of his mouth. We both busted out laughing.

A few minutes later, when the giggles subsided, I wiped the tears from my eyes. I turned in my seat to face Joseph. "If it makes you feel any better, I have never once worried that Carson could be gay."

That started a new round of chuckles from Mr. Monte. He responded, "I think Siwash changed him in more ways than I could have guessed. He wasn't always busting out of t-shirts and shaving his head."

I tried as hard as I could to catch my laugh before it escaped my mouth. It turned into more of a snort/cough. I overly exaggerated my response because I knew denying what I knew was useless at that point. "I have _nooo _idea what you're talking about!" I said shaking my head and starting to laugh again.

"I'm not supposed to know about that, but it's hard not to notice. He plays with his hair as much as a woman."

"I know! I'm just glad I'm not taller than he is. Then we would really have a problem!"

Joseph smiled and sighed a laugh. Then he said, "I would like very much if you and my son returned some time to meet _Grandmother_ and _Grandfather._" He put special emphasis on the titles. I recognized it: It was reminiscent of Carson's sometimes-stilted speech.

I was goaded on by his statement. A wolf is inquisitive by nature, but he had just admitted that he liked me, in a roundabout way. _That should give me the go-ahead to ask a question or two._ "What's up with that? 'Father' and 'Grandmother'?" I used air bunnies to show what I meant.

Joseph pulled his eyebrows together in a way that was entirely Carson and replied, "He has done that since he was about four, when he switched from 'Momma' and 'Pop Pop'. I think he sees it as more formal, but it has _felt_ almost detached." He said this with a tinge of regret, but then he carried on with more of a laugh back in his voice. "Carson had many quirks growing up. As you saw before, his formality was one of my smaller worries."

This was turning into a really interesting afternoon.

Two hours later, we had stopped by a construction site to drop off a rather large cardboard cylinder, the post office to pick up several manila envelopes, and the grocery store to purchase two bottles of wine. At each stop, I was introduced to no less than five people as Carson's "New Little Lady." The head tilt and pointed stare was just thrown in for good measure, I'm sure. I could tell that Carson's parents weren't the only people that thought Carson was of the gay-suasion.

But I couldn't deny that everyone had respect for both Joseph and Carson. I heard detailed accounts of all of the projects that the two men had put together. From solar-fields to fund-raisers, the two seemed to be the driving force that had propelled the reservation to its status as largest green community in Canada.

All of the talk surrounding Carson and Joseph had planted a little seed of doubt in my mind. I couldn't quite put words to what I was thinking yet. I needed some answers. Carson liked to ask all of the tough questions, but he always had a way of evading them himself. Joseph seemed eager enough to open up earlier.

"Why didn't he ever get a degree? He seems to be the only person that doesn't know how brilliant he is."

Joseph gave me a questioning glance from the driver's seat. "As for your statement, that's remarkably accurate. Everyone that meets my son sees his mind. And I think somewhere, he knows it too. He would have to, but he doesn't want to realize his potential."

"What do you mean, 'he would have to'?"

"Well, that's where I was getting to your question," he said, rubbing his pinched mouth with one hand. "I think there are some things that Carson has failed to mention to you. What _has_ he told you about his schooling?"

"That he took a few classes at UBC, but that school wasn't really for him, so he came to Siwash."

Joseph was laughing before I finished my sentence. "Oh, my dear, that is a new one. 'School wasn't really for him.' Though that does explain why he got out so fast," he said to himself. "Let's see. Carson's birthday is in May. Within the month of turning sixteen, he graduated high school. He got his driver's license, moved out, and started summer session in Vancouver. He graduated the winter he turned nineteen." My jaw was hanging in the wind already, but he wasn't done. "I'm fairly certain it only took him that long because he couldn't decide on a major. I believe he graduated with a double major in Mathematical Sciences and Environmental Engineering. Now, the question is, why did he keep that from you?"

Joseph tore his eyes from the road and glanced at me. He must have seen the shock, or maybe the fear, in my face because he started backpedaling again. "Oh, sweetheart, I didn't mean that I thought he had any sort of malicious intent. I only wonder what would behoove him to keep such a large part of his past from his new friends at the ranch, because I'm sure if you don't know, no one else does. Except for Nox, of course." I knew Nox and the Montes went pretty far back. Siwash donated to the T'sou-ke reservation regularly, so I nodded along dumbly.

My emotions were all over the chart. On the one end of the spectrum, I was completely furious with Carson and Nox, and therefore Olivia, for keeping this from me. I was entirely intimidated by this man that, all of a sudden, I felt like I didn't know. On the other end of that spectrum, I was intrigued and blown away and so very proud of the man I loved. I wasn't sure what end I would start with when we returned to Carson's childhood home. But for that moment, I still had more questions for Joseph.

"So, if Carson moved out when he was sixteen, how did you work on all of those projects together?"

"I sent him copies of everything I did via email, and he would make notes. Or the more common situation was that inspiration would strike him when he couldn't sleep, and he would email me his brainstorm of ideas at three in morning. Some of our best ideas were worked out that way."

"Where did he live?" If the information was flowing, I wasn't about to stop asking questions.

"He lived in the dorms for the first two years. Then he rented a small apartment by himself that he kept for the two years or so after he graduated. Then he had the idea to go live with Nox in the woods. He dropped all of his things off at home, and now we see him once or twice a year."

"What did Carson do in those two years?" I probably knew I was pushing my luck, but I would keep pushing until my luck ran out.

"He piddled. He worked some for the university. He was able to do a lot more work for the reservation, but Christine couldn't convince him to move home, or even back to Sooke." He paused and sighed. "You know, why don't you ask him all of this when we make it back to the house?"

"Because he doesn't give me any answers!" I nearly shouted

"Then you aren't asking the right questions," Mr. Monte said with an air of finality.

"But you are finally answering my questions! Don't stop now," I begged, turning in my seat to face him.

"Leah, he was probably just embarrassed, knowing my son. As I said, he wasn't always busting out of t-shirts. He used to be such a gangly boy, awkward and clumsy. He didn't have many friends and he certainly didn't have any beautiful girlfriends." He looked at me and smiled softly. I lowered my eager eyes to my lap. "So try not to be too angry with him for not sharing something that he might see as painful. Now I'm not saying you should stop asking, not by any means. Because he shouldn't have kept this from you for so long. But just don't hold his secrets against him."

I slid back in my seat and let go of the breath I had been holding. Joseph's last words hung heavy in the car the rest of the ride back to the house.

How could I be mad at Carson for keeping a secret, when his seemed so trivial in comparison to mine? I just hoped that Carson wouldn't hold my secrets against me when the time came.


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: "This Is The Future" is by Owl City. Most of his songs are difficult to understand without listening to dozens of times (which I have), but this one is much more coherent. Carson is visiting his past, with is present, envisioning his future... **

**I don't own Twilight.**

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This Is The Future

I sat in my childhood room, surrounded by a skyline of boxes.

One wall was entirely bookshelves. The lower tomes were larger, heavier textbooks from the university. The upper shelves were filled with novels and pleasure reads. They smelled like dust and old paper.

It no longer appealed to the olfactory memories connected to this room. Instead, I felt as if I were in a library or possibly a used book store. This was fine with me.

I ripped the tape off of a few more boxes. One held several pairs of denim shorts. I turned my nose up at what used to constitute my sense of style. The pile for charity was growing exponentially, while my pile of things to take back to the ranch remained relatively small. Before that particular trip, I kept the necessities in Siwash and everything else in my parents' home. I never knew when I would want or need to return to T'sou-ke. Though, things had changed. I had a different perspective at twenty-five than twenty-one.

I thought about my conversation with my mother and smiled. As much as I tried to analyze her, she always seemed to surprise me. I figured out with a quickness that her motives were to have Leah out of the house so that she could speak with me. I had feared that she wanted to keep me in the house so that Father could interrogate Leah. That was quite a relief. And then, she gave me a wonderful gift, something I did not expect. It was now safely locked away, tucked into my tool box in the Jeep. The exact phrasing she used replayed through my mind over and over. It pleased me to know how my mother thought of me.

"I don't know much about her, but I do know you. You take your time so that you can understand your own mind. I am sure you are the same with your heart. If you didn't know your heart, you wouldn't have brought her here to meet us, and in _that_ I have faith."

After her little speech, she walked over to the roll-top breadbox and pulled out a small black felt box. I had an idea what was inside, but I remained silent because I had no idea why she would gift me with such a treasure.

She opened the box and looked at its contents for a moment. With a sigh she turned it to me, and my suspicions were verified. It was my grandmother's engagement ring. Not my father's mother that lives on the reservation, my mother's mother. She died when I was a young boy, maybe nine, but I remembered her ring. It was yellow gold, and the sides of the ring came together in an intricate knot.

It was handmade, so it was a little rough around the edges, but its slight imperfections were what made it so beautiful, similar to Naika Leloo.

I was pulled from my thoughts by the sound of Billie Jean, my little mutt of a dog, barking downstairs. I walked to my door and over the sound of her yaps. I could hear my father laughing. Billie's barks were unique. She was part beagle, part chihuahua, and so were her barks. Mostly she yipped like a chihuahua, but every third or fourth bark, she would let out a monstrous howl that was incongruous to her small body and every bit hound. When she yipped, she would bounce on her toes. When she would howl, she would jettison backwards. That in itself was amusing, but it was not what my father was laughing at. Leah was kneeling in the foyer, eyes locked with my dog. Billie wouldn't bite Leah, but her attempts to make nice with the dog were going to be in vain. Billie Jean hated everyone. She didn't even like Mother and Father most days. I bent over the banister, leaning my forearms on the rails, to enjoy the show.

The little dog gave one more howl, and Naika Leloo did something I was not expecting: she growled back. Billie's tail didn't go between her legs, but it did point strait down. She instantly stopped barking and looked back and Leah. I stood back up, dumbfounded. A few seconds later, Leah pointed to the floor in front of her and snapped with raised eyebrows. My father was no longer laughing. I'm fairly sure he was taking notes as Billy dutifully trotted towards Leah. The little dog laid down in front of Leah and rolled over onto her back. Leah rubbed her fingers over the dogs throat and down onto her belly where she gave Billie a good scratch. After a moment the once grumpy dog jumped up playfully onto Leah's legs. She welcomed her into an embrace and my father and I both laughed, this time in amazement.

Leah stood up with Billie Jean still in her arms, and my father laid a hand on her back before walking into his study.

I called her to join me upstairs, and she set the dog down. Instead of returning to her pet bed or pestering Mother for a treat, Billie circled Leah's legs and followed her up the stairs. She never ceased to amaze me.

"How in the world did you do that?" I asked when they made it to the landing at the top of the stairs.

"Do what?" Leah asked with a sly smile and her head tilted to the side.

"Well, I'm pretty sure you have mind control powers over my mother's dog."

To that, Leah laughed. "No, I just showed her that she didn't have to protect the house from me, and that I may or may not be the boss." She mumbled the last bit as she bent to pick Billie up from the carpet around her feet. They nuzzled each other's faces. It was bizarre.

I went to put my arm around her waist to pull her into my room but stopped when Billie growled at me.

"Enhh!" Leloo scolded. She sounded like the buzzer from the board game Taboo. Instantly the dog was silent again.

Leah deposited the dog back on the floor and wound her hands around my waist. I pulled her face into my hands and kissed her.

"What did you and my father talk about?" I asked.

"You," she responded simply. "What did you and your mom talk about?" she asked with a knowing smile.

"You." I smiled and kissed her nose. I took a deep breath and decided in that moment that if she had been talking with my father all afternoon, she probably needed a few answers from me as well. I led her into my room and she inhaled a little surprise.

"You moving somewhere?" she asked.

"No. More along the lines of, I never unpacked from my last move. Nox was here to see my father, and I was dropping some plans off. He convinced me to move to Siwash. We packed up my things, moved them here and I was settled in the ranch within three days. It was by far the most spontaneous thing I have ever done." I paused in my explanation and let her wander around my room.

She put her hands in her jean's pockets and looked at my shelves of awards and plaques, most from schools or the council. She walked to the far wall, where my bookshelves stood. First, she bent down to see the textbooks, then she stretched up on her toes to see my selection of fiction.

I could have sworn my heart was going to beat its way out of my ribcage. My hands were shaking with anxiety, so I crossed them over my chest. I had never known a woman to accept me the way Leloo had. Yet again, she hadn't known me before my move to Siwash, when I could barely look at a woman without stuttering. I surrounded myself with other hosers. We were all alone together. And then Nox saved me. _How exactly does that come up in conversation with the sexiest woman you know, who happens to defy the odds by being your girlfriend? _

She spun on her heels, her inspection complete. "Stop making that face."

"What face?" I asked.

"Your 'I'm a grumpy statue' face," she said with a smirk. _A smirk? _

"I've made this face before, I'm assuming."

"Especially this weekend: the wedding, the ferry ride, the drive here. Your face is going to stick that way if you don't cut it out."

I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and smoothed out my facial features. When I opened them again, Leah was smiling at me in approval. However, her smile quickly faded as she drew her eyebrows down in a questioning glance. _Uh oh, here it comes._

"So I'm assuming that you haven't stopped working with your dad on all of these projects." She motioned with a sweeping gesture towards all of the awards. "When have you been doing all of the work?"

I let out a huge gust of breath, and laughed. I took the four steps that separated us and pulled her into a hug. "Mostly, nights that we stay back at the staff cabin. I don't sleep well without you snoring next to me."

"I do not snore!" she leaned back, out of the hug to poke me in the chest.

"Of course you don't." As soon as I knew she wasn't upset with me, my learned nonchalance, or possibly arrogance, was back in place.

"So why didn't you tell me you were the T'sou-ke wunderkind?" she asked.

"Because there was never a good time for it to come up."

"Your dad said you were a pretty awkward kid. Does that have anything to do with it?"

I took a deep breath and held it before exhaling. "Yes. There's a good possibility of that, but I've obviously outgrown that. I shou-" but she cut me off, mid-sentence.

"You may have grown into this big, strong, confident man," she said as she rubbed her hands over my shoulders, "but those aren't the only parts of you I love. One of the things I love the most is how brilliant you are, and I've thought this whole time that you've been letting your mind go to waste mending fences!" She took a deep breath and kissed the hollow of my throat. "I'm not mad." She lifted on to the balls of her feet to kiss my jaw. "I love you," she whispered, and her breath tickled my ear.

When she tried to plant a kiss on the corner of my mouth, I turned and caught her lips in a deep, passionate kiss. When we caught our breath, I told her I loved her, as well.

A moment later, there was a knock at the door and we both jolted upright. A throat cleared, and I realized it was my father. Leah buried her blushing face into my chest and I shielded her from the door.

"Yes, Father?" I turned only my face towards the door. He stood there smiling and I tried desperately to hide my smirk.

He cleared his throat again before replying, "Your mother wanted you to know that dinner would be served in fifteen. Wash up and head down."

"Yes, sir."

He grabbed the knob and pulled the door closed behind him. After a few seconds, Leah and I bust into peals of laughter.

"Busted!" Leloo laughed.

"Yes, I do believe that is the correct term for this particular situation. But aren't we a little old to get 'busted'?"

"Better late than never, in your case, at least!" She stuck her tongue out and I scowled mock offense. "So, what are you doing up here? You said this was stuff that you had never unpacked, but I really doubt your mom would just leave all of this stuff in piles on the floor..." She gestured towards my charity and Siwash piles.

"Well, I was going through some of this stuff and getting rid of the things I'll never use again, and I decided I would pack up a few boxes and bring them up to Siwash."

"Oh, okay. Cool." She scrunched up her face and looked towards my Siwash pile. In it sat an old scrapbook, a few sweatshirts, several books, an old gaming system, and several framed sketches that I had bought at a Renaissance festival years ago. "But you've been at Siwash for years. Why are you just now taking stuff up there?"

"Siwash has become more of a home for me than T'sou-ke," I answered simply.

"Yeah, I guess. You don't ring the bell in Siwash." She laughed, and I thought about the fact that there was a lone key lying around in my room in the staff cabin somewhere. With all of the other keys I acquired over the years, my parents' house key just seemed to add to the confusion.

"The only person that knocks on the staff cabin is Olivia. And she has more of a right to be there than any of us."

"You aren't getting what I'm asking," she said in her 'I'm really trying not to yell at you' voice. "Why now? Why not a year ago? Or with your last promotion? Why right this second?"

We both knew good and well why I was moving my things, she just wanted me to admit it out loud. That need was fine with me. I had my fair share of insecurities, and having them reassured was like returning a child's security blanket. But the fear in her voice reminded me why I needed to keep that little black box hidden for the time being. She was not ready for a commitment, and I would not force one on her. The more likely scenario would be that she would leave if I asked her too soon.

Her eyes searched mine, tracking back and forth. How I wished I could unlock all the secret chambers hidden behind those dark eyes. Somewhere, I vaguely knew that I had kept my secrets from her, because I thought she was still keeping things from me. I wanted to protect that one last slice of myself if she was allowing herself to do the same. But I knew she loved me, and I loved her. She didn't love anyone else, and she wanted to be with me. Everything else would work out in the wash.

"I'm moving my things now because I see potential with this new promotion, because I had two hours to fill today, because I miss my sketches. But most importantly, I'm doing this now, versus a year ago, because _now _I have a reason to stay in Siwash." I took her cheeks in my hands so that she could not misinterpret my words. "My life is in Siwash; you are in Siwash. I want my things there as well."

She seemed mostly satisfied with my answer but she had a smart aleck comment to add to most things I said. So before she could respond, I said, "We can talk about this more later, if you would like, but we need to head downstairs."

"We're not done talking about all the wunderkind stuff either," she said with eyebrows raised. I kissed her nose despite the stare.

We walked out of my room and down the stairs. My mother's cooking, that I had no part in preparing, smelled amazing. When we reached the foyer, Leloo turned around with a giant smile, poking a finger in my chest to halt my progress. "Oh, and by the way, everyone you've ever known thought you were gay before today."


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: "War Sweater" is an amazing, haunting song by Wakey!Wakey! Give him a listen, you won't regret it. Oh, and it's relation to this chapter... lots of foreshadowing... **

**Carson and Leah decided they didn't like my Prologue... It will be changed some time in the very near future. I have no idea how I will change it, but it will happen. So, be on the look out for that.**

**Some of you may recognize part of this chapter from WitFit... I told you I would use it!**

**I don't own Twilight. **

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War Sweater

So, shoving it in Carson's face that everyone he knew had at one point or another thought he was gay: definitely a below the belt shot, but he mostly deserved it. _Yeah, yeah, pot, meet kettle. I know. _I had one coming my way whenever I could manage to grow a pair and tell him my big wolfy secret.

And telling him when he didn't have a chance to do his twenty questions dance was just icing on the cake. He squirmed all during dinner.

Dinner didn't end up being as traumatic as I thought it would be. Joseph and Christine were like the First Nation's version of Mr. and Mrs. Cunningham. With maybe a little dash of Endora, in the controlling sense, thrown into Christine, but I wasn't sure yet. I was growing to like them entirely too quickly. Liking Carson, even loving Carson, was one thing. But loving his family could get me into some trouble.

That night, after being enthusiastically arranged in the guest bedroom, Carson finally had a chance to ask all of his questions. Surprisingly, he started with a statement.

"My parents really like you."

"Well, what did you expect? Everyone loves me." I rolled my eyes in sarcasm.

He laughed, and the sound, as it always did, made me smile. "So what did you mean earlier?"

It was my turn to laugh. "Nice subject change." I play-slapped him in the shoulder to show I wasn't really mad. After all-but insulting his manhood, I was amazed he had held out that long. "Your dad was... rather impressed with my anatomy. Or lack thereof. He had convinced himself that you were going to bring home a boy. And so, apparently, had the rest of T'sou-ke." Then he got all flustered again, so I cut him off before he could start spouting off a dozen unrelated questions. "Okay. Short and skinny: most-everybody thought you were gay because of the 'lack of a girlfriend' thing. But it's fixed now. Calm down." I reached up and rubbed my thumb over the crease between his brows like I was trying to smudge out a stain.

That was enough to get him laughing again. "All right. Enough." He pulled my arm away from his face. He took a deep breath, and just as I thought the questions were going to start again, he looked over at his neatly stacked pile of things to be moved to Siwash. When he looked back at me, there was an idea hidden behind his sparkling eyes. "What do you say to a day for just you and me?"

"I would say that sounds great. What would we be doing?"

"It is a surprise, one of my favorite places. I'd like to share it with you."

"Okay, I'm game."

The next morning, Carson called Nox and Olivia. They were more than willing to give us an extra day off. Luke, on the other hand, called us within thirty minutes to complain. I took the phone out of Carson's hand and nipped that in the bud.

Carson still wouldn't tell me where we were going, but we woke up early, packed the Jeep, and headed out of Sooke. After another ferry ride, this one much more enjoyable, we ended up in Vancouver, and three hours after our departure, we arrived at British Columbia's Renaissance Festival. The parking lot was nearly deserted, but I supposed that was because it was a weekday. I giggled as Carson paid the parking attendant.

"Do you have a problem with the Renaissance Festival?" he asked, eyebrows raised.

"No problem at all," I said, running my hands down my thighs and then stretching out my back after the long car ride. "You're just a total dweeb. It's becoming painfully obvious to me now." I shot him a smile over my shoulder.

We spent the day watching shows and wandering the booths. Carson purchased two new sketches, one of a knight and another of an elegant dragon. It was in that booth that I had discovered Carson's motivation for dragging me to the Ren Fest, but I was glad he had.

Throughout the day, I fulfilled many-a-nerd fantasies, but it was so fun. In one stall I tried on an 'authentic' pirate costume, complete with thigh-high boots and lots of handkerchiefs, black, white, and red. In another booth, I was a fairy with gossamer wings and a dainty dress covered in flowers. In the next, an attendant pushed and pulled until I was short of breath and two sizes smaller, tucked inside a corset matched with an overly layered, flowing skirt. It was nice to play dress up like a little girl, but I did it for the look on Carson's face. He lit up like a little kid in a candy shop every time I walked out of a dressing room, and that feeling was second to none.

I ended up buying the corset outfit. After spending so much time getting me in the damn thing, the attendant guilted me into it. And I bought a drum. I didn't have a lot of stuff, other than clothes, around my room in Siwash. I wanted to take something back from the festival too.

When Carson saw one booth completely draped in thick burgundy and deep blue velvet, he pulled my arm, giddy again like a little kid.

"I bet this is where you get your palm read. Let's do it!" Carson exclaimed, reaching for the first curtain.

"Okay," I answered. I wasn't into superstitious stuff, but being a preternatural creature myself, I couldn't rule anything out.

I pulled back the next of the many drapes of curtains, and I saw the most interesting woman sitting behind a small table. She was wearing an oversized blue sweater with a brown scarf tied on top. On her head, she wore a red and blue knitted toboggan, of sorts, with fringe around her forehead, and a boldly patterned orange scarf tied her wild hair down. She had wildly intense eyes that completely ignored Carson. I was expecting a plump, older lady with a sequined shawl, sitting behind a clear bowling ball with an LED light stuck up the finger holes. _Yeah, not._

She took a deep breath, looked down at the mess of thick, gilded cards in front of her, and quietly whispered, "I've been waiting for you." Then she gathered the cards into a pile and started to shuffle them.

"I bet you say that to all the girls," I mumbled as I laughed, nervously. There was only one chair opposite the woman, so I stood to the side with my hands behind my back hoping Carson would take the hint and sit down. _Oh, of course not_. Ever the gentleman, he took that as my cue that I wanted him to pull the chair out for me! I shot Dr. Evil-worthy lasers out of my eyes at Carson for that one. He just smiled and pushed the chair back under my rump as I sat down.

"Here, you shuffle until you are satisfied." The sound the cards made when she sat them down was disproportionate to what I had expected for a deck of cards.

I pursed my lips and picked up the deck of oversized cards and felt their weight in my hands. The backs of the cards were deep blue with gold leaf embossed designs. I started to shuffle them, and as I did, the woman stood up from her wooden chair and walked to the corner of the booth. She lit a couple of sticks of incense, letting them each burn for a few seconds before blowing them out to smoke in a holder hung from the beam holding up the drapes.

She returned to the table, picking up her thick skirt and long sweater as she sat. I placed the cards in front of her and leaned back in my chair.

"Cut the deck, please," she asked.

I did as she requested, and when I leaned back in the chair, I crossed my arms over my chest. I was done being an active participant in this charade. My day had gone from fun and nerdy to creepy in five minutes flat.

"Most people come in here and want to know their future, about family, about a lover, about a career. You, you need advice. So I will give you advice. My name is Moira. What's yours?" As she spoke, she laid out an arc of seven cards. The pictures were even more beautiful than the gold leaf on the backs. I wanted to tell her that I didn't need advice, but really, that would have been a lie.

"Leah."

She placed her fingertips to the edge of the card closest to my right. The card was the only one that was predominantly red. The background was blood-red, with golden, interlocking spheres. In the center of the card there was a white hand holding a staff. The staff was wooden and curved at the top into a loop. There were leaves sprouting from the staff, and some were piled at the bottom of the picture where three foxes lay curled up. I leaned in for a closer look and realized that some of the leaves were tiny fairies.

"The first position represents your past. The things that have influenced you to become what you are today. The Ace of Wands, The Root of the Powers of Fire. It represents your strength and courage. But the Ace of Wands is ill-dignified, it is upside down, and that tells me that you have had trouble with men in your past." She looked at me with a question in her eyes, but I wasn't going to give anything away. I knew how hokey fortune tellers worked. But _never fear_, Carson was there to grunt his approval, and Moira looked at him with a sly smile.

The next card she pointed to was on the opposite side from the first. The majority of the picture was pale green. The top of the card held a stained-glass likeness of a sun. n the bottom, there was a small hill covered in calla lilies. Standing atop the lilies were two figures embracing,. The woman's dress was deep purple and lavender; the man's tunic was white and gold, but at the bottom where they flowed out, the cloth spun around and seemed to become one.

"The second position is your present. What is affecting you now." She tapped the card twice with the pads of her fingers. "The Lovers, The Children of the Voice. You are finding balance, harmony, union." She smiled at me, and then at Carson. I could almost feel the smugness emanating from him, and I'll admit that I cracked a little bit of a smile back at her. "But you have choices you are struggling with." And she left it with that.

The next card was above the first, it was another one up-side down. It was mostly gray, a dense forest of gnarled trees with a crescent moon bursting through the boughs. Below the moon stood a woman with long flowing hair. Her dress was orange and appeared to be many rags tied together. Her hands were outstretched to the moon. To her left and right were two animals. They appeared to be two dogs, but I didn't want to lean in for a closer look again.

"The third position is what is hidden, things you cannot see or may have overlooked. The Moon, The Children of the Sons of the Mighty. The Moon represents fears and anxieties. Because it is ill-dignified, it shows me that you have a need for secrecy and deception. And that you despair. More than anything, it tells me that you need help. That is what you have overlooked." She said all that with a sad expression, almost like she regretted telling me.

I adjusted my position and Carson cleared his throat as he stepped forward.

He pointed at the card and asked, "What is that?"

I tilted my head up to see that he was pointing at the animal to the left of the woman.

"That is The Wolf. Why do you ask?" Moira questioned with raised eyebrows.

"Just a funny coincidence. Leah is Naika Leloo," Carson said, shaking his head to brush off Moira's question.

"There are _no_ coincidences. There is a reason The Wolf showed her face." Moira then pointed to the animal on the opposite side of the card. "The Dog symbolizes a tame mind, a person that always does the 'right thing', while The Wolf is a mind that revels in the selfishness of the wilder side. Neither side is entirely good or bad, right or wrong. The Wolf has made itself known today to tell you that you have become too Dog. What do you think about that?" she asked with a smirk.

I took a deep breath, let half of it out, and started my rant. "I think that it is just as likely that 'The Dog made itself known'," and I definitely used air bunnies and a neck-breaking eye-roll right there. Then I finished my thought, "To tell me that I need to be less Wolf." I picked one foot up off the floor and crossed it over my other leg. I turned my head away from Carson, because as soon as the words came out of my mouth, I realized how he might take them. I didn't want to look at him with the angry look in my eyes that I was sure was there, because I knew that would confirm to him whatever insecurity he hand conjured up in the last thirty seconds.

After we all took a few breaths, Moira continued. I maintained my view of the far side of the stall. "The fourth position represents your challenges. The obstacle that must be overcome to make progress. The Three of Swords, The Lord Of Sorrow. Lonesomeness, isolation. But he is ill-dignified; he shows me confusion, loss, a breaking of a truce, war."

At her words, I looked at the table. She was pointing to the third upturned card, it was mostly white, except for a large red heart in the center. Piercing the heart were three unique, golden swords. Beneath the heart, was a bleeding, dying albatross with its wings outstretched and its head bowed. I felt sick to my stomach, but why? _I don't believe in this crap anyway,_ I told myself. I looked up from the cards and found Moira's sad eyes and pursed lips. Resigned to at least finish the reading, I sat back in my chair and nodded.

The next card was a light blue-green color. Sitting atop a hill was a young man wearing green and gold. He held in his hand a small orb of light. Below him were several animals, including an owl and various lizards.

"The fifth position is your environment, the things that surround you now that could be useful or helpful. The Page of Pentacles, The Rose of the Palace of Earth. A hard working, meticulous man. Honorable and proud. He brings light to your life." Moira held her palm up and asked, "Do I really need to explain this one?"

We all laughed, including Carson, who tried to cover it with a cough and then shuffled his feet.

The sixth card looked like an acrobat hanging from a giant tree. The sky behind him was a brilliant purple. In his hands, he held another glowing orb.

"The sixth position is for your advice. The Hanged Man-" I cut her off there.

"Wait, your advice is for me to hang myself?" I asked with a half laugh. _I don't even think that would kill me._

"Stop being defensively sarcastic. It's not funny and it is not attractive." I stopped laughing. "The Hanged Man, The Spirit of the Mighty Waters. The Hanged Man represents sacrifice, devotion to a worthwhile cause, transformation. My advice to you is this: there will come a time when you will have to sacrifice your present to save your future. Make sure you are willing and able to make that sacrifice."

I sighed hard and ran my fingers through my already messy hair. Even if I didn't believe in this crap, even if she did make it up on the spot, a lot of it was good advice to keep with me.

The last card at the apex of the arc was the brightest of all seven: shades of gold and yellow. At the top of the card were circles of varying size representing a sun. The lower half was crowded with birds and winged creatures of all sorts, and in the center was an angel. On either side of the angel's head were two small faeries.

"The Sun, The Lord of the Fire of the World. He sits in the seventh position, your outcome. This happens when the advice is taken. There is no better outcome, in my eyes. Happiness, success, achievement, joy, family," she paused. "Children."

That was my final straw. I stood up, overturning my chair in the process. "Whatever, lady. I'm done with this hokey, crap. You don't know what you're talking about." I stormed out. Well, as much as you can storm out through curtains. _Where's a good door to slam when you need it?_ I could hear Carson apologizing and paying the woman. I wanted to scream, or hit something, or phase, but I could feel the tears stinging my eyes and knew that I was more hurt than anything. Her advice sounded so good, I wanted to know that if I followed it, I could be rewarded. Turned out I just got a slap in the face from reality, instead.

I had walked from the front of the booth over to a secluded corner of the festival and started pacing. After a few rounds, Carson's large frame found my smaller one, and he held me.

"I'm sorry," he apologized. "I shouldn't have dragged you in there. I thought it would be funny." He kissed the top of my head. "I'm so sorry." After a few minutes of no response, he went for a different approach. "But you know, that Page of Pentacles thing was dead on. I am totally The Rose of the Palace of the Earth."

We both laughed, and I felt much better, but there were still some things that would warrant a second thought later that night, while Carson was fast asleep in Siwash.


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: "These are the Nights" is by Making April. It is some of the most amazing lyrics of any song I've used thus-far. **

**This chapter is mostly filler... but sometimes filler is nice.. C:**

**I don't own Twilight.**

* * *

These are the Nights

It called to me. As the eleven month mark rolled around, I wanted to phase nearly every second of every day. I had never been much of a twitcher, but I was quickly becoming one. Luckily, Olivia's desk hid my bouncing legs most of the day.

Nox and Liv hadn't left yet, but the date was quickly approaching. Liv was more or less confined to her house, but that didn't stop her from dictating my every move. She kept her phone and laptop on and at the ready every second of the day. Apparently the 'rest' part of bed-rest had no meaning for her.

Carson was... perfect. I had grown to love him so much that at times my heart ached. It was like that scene in the Grinch where the little x-ray screen pops out and his heart grew 'three times that day.' Yeah, it was kind of like that. He had opened up to me and shown me his deepest darkest secrets. We even worked on some of his projects together - not that I was much help - and it made me want to tell him my secrets. But what type of conversation led into "Oh yeah, FYI, I used to turn furry when the mood struck. But don't worry, I don't do it anymore." I worried that I had waited too long and my window had passed.

I was stalling, treading water in our relationship. But, damn it, treading water kept us afloat, and afloat wasn't too bad a place to be..

_Hockey Night In Canada_ was always a good excuse to get the gang together. When the Stanley Cup Finals began, just days before Nox and Liv were set to leave, Olivia insisted on waddling down to the staff cabin to join in on the fun. My twitching and bouncing was passed off as nerves over Liv's departure.

Luke passed me a Molson and told me to calm down in some overly colorful Canadian slang. The beer wouldn't have much effect, but the curse words made me laugh. Then Luke stood up in front of the television to give us the run down on who needed to win the game.

"Okay, so Calgary beat the Canucks. The Sharks beat Calgary and the Stars beat the Sharks. Then the Redwings came in and beat the Stars. If the Redwings take the Cup, it would be like the Canucks could have won if they had just beat Calgary."

"That is quite possibly the most convoluted thought process I have ever had the pleasure of witnessing." Carson smiled at his own little joke. "You obviously aren't taking into consideration the fact that Canucks were three points short for the playoffs."

Guy-sports-talk was weird. Period. Add on to that sitting in the middle of a bunch of _Canadians_ during the _Stanley Cup_. I started to tune them all out and pull at the fraying hem of my jeans.

"The Redwings have won the Cup eleven times! They're going to clean the ice with the Penguins."

"And the Penguins have won it twice. Maybe I like rooting for the underdog."

I looked up from my jeans and smiled at Carson. He had been an underdog at one point in his life. I knew who I would be rooting for.

After the first period, Carson whispered in my ear, "Maybe you should slow down, Naika Leloo." It took me a moment to realize what he was saying. He was telling me I should drink slower. But that was a silly thing to say. I couldn't get drunk! I was a wolf. Wolves had super-high metabolism and it makes it impossible to get drunk. And then I realized that I was sitting in Carson's lap, giggling at the new stable guy's squidgy face, with a hand held out to Luke for another beer.

I dropped my hand with a harumph, and giggled one last time at the sound. Jillian and Olivia both looked at me and snorted. I death-stared Luke well into the second period. I couldn't be drunk. I chalked it all up to nerves over my new role without Liv.

By the end of the game, I felt completely fine. I started noticing things again. Like Luke and Jillian, and how they didn't care at all about how much they drank or how crazy they acted. Olivia obviously didn't drink anything, being in her third trimester, but Nox and Carson each had a drink or two. Carson acted so much like Nox. They both cared so much about this little ranch, and they would do anything to ensure its success. Conservationist passions and liberal tendencies. Between the two of them, they had designed, built, and installed solar panels on the roofs of every cabin in Siwash. Their dedication to their beliefs was that teeny step before religious.

I was supposed to be taking over Oliva's job in two day's time and there I was acting like a drunken idiot. I felt like a jackass.

After the game, everyone excused themselves to bed, but Nox asked Carson to stay downstairs for a few minutes. Immediately, my gut seized. _Did I ruin my chances at being something other than a stable hand in just one night?_

Liv must have seen my worried look. She tried to stand up, and it was amusing. She led with her knees and then her giant belly followed. Her shoulders were the last body part to be perpendicular to the floor. "Go on up. He'll be right behind you." She shooed me toward the stairs.

I walked as slowly as I could on my way to the stairs. After a few seconds, Liv pointedly cleared her throat. I quickly stomped my feet the rest of the way. When I made it to my blue and green plaid room, I plopped down on the bed and waited for Carson. I wondered what kind of news they were sending him to deliver, and why they felt they couldn't do it themselves.

After a few minutes, I heard his soft, steady steps heading up the stairs. I didn't roll over when he opened my door, or when he sat down behind me on my bed. I was still embarrassed at my earlier behavior, still anxious for whatever bomb he was dropping.

A calloused hand on my hip rolled me over onto my back. He was lying next to me, and the sight was a nice one, but not enough to pull me out of my funk.

"You and the Hyas Muckamucks done in the _Cone of Silence_?"

"I see your buzz has worn off." He laughed, and flashed his mostly upside-down smile in my direction.

_Jerk._ I rolled back over, but his strong hand caught me and pulled me onto my back again. He left his hand on my stomach to hold me in place.

"I was not drunk... Or _buzzed_, or whatever," I said, looking at him through my eye lashes.

"Whatever. It doesn't matter. You'll be happy with the outcome of the evening, either way."

"And what, pray-tell, would that be?" Confusion drew my forehead together and my eyebrows down.

"Olivia was concerned about arrangements for after they leave Monday. She said we have too many distractions here in the staff cabin." He took a breath and let a small chuckle escape his beautifully distracting lips. "Nox offered up their house while they are away awaiting the baby. Olivia did not like that idea, so she suggested that we stay at Outpost. I told them you most likely wouldn't have a problem with it. I don't think you could have planned this better yourself." He paused and smiled. "Wait. Did you plan this?"

I may or may not have cracked a little teensy smile.

"Is that why you weren't down there? Argh!"

I laughed at his silly, frustrated face. "No, I would assume that they wanted to make plans without me since I was _sooo drunk!"_ I shook my hands at my sides and rolled my eyes for effect.

Carson continued, "Well anyway, we will have some semblance of peace and quiet out there. This won't exactly be a 40-hour a week job. There will be days that we will want to take notebooks or papers back from the lodge to get some work done or prepare for the next day. That wouldn't be possible here. Not with Luke and Jillian passing you beers like they're observing a social experiment." He raised an eyebrow and dared me to respond.

He had been making little figure eights on my stomach with the tips of his fingers, and it felt fantastic, but I pushed him away at his comment.

"Okay, okay." He stood up off the bed and pulled me up as well. "It's already late, we should go ahead and start getting packed. I'll be back up in a few minutes to get your things."

He turned to walk out the door, and I called after him, "So we're going out there tonight?"

"No time like the present!" _Such a guy_.

I turned towards my trunk and propped it open. Somewhere near the bottom, _of course,_ I found my duffle. I laid it on the bed. Then I went through my drawers and started tossing all the essentials onto my bed as well. _Shirts, shorts, under-things._ But other than that, I was at a loss for what to pack. My pictures? _That would make Outpost feel like home, but Carson and I aren't really moving in together... Right? _My quilt? _The one at Outpost was a little itchy, but would bringing my own look tacky?_ I didn't usually take my computer, or iPod, or my phone, or any chargers. But at the same time, I didn't want to leave everything at the staff cabin and need to make a ton of unnecessary trips to my room every day.

If I brought everything it would be like we were moving in together, if I left everything, we were just _staying _together. In my book, there was a big difference.

So, that left me standing in the middle of my room, looking at a pile of clothes on my bed, when I thought, _you know, I bet Carson isn't having problems like this._ And a moment later he cleared his throat at the door.

_ Damn him!_

"Are you feeling déjà vu too, or just me?"

I turned around to look at him, and he was wearing an odd expression. "Now that you mention it, I guess I can see the resemblance."

He walked slowly to the center of the room and wrapped his arms around my shoulders. Whatever I had been feeling earlier fell away and I just held him. _Simple things like hugs have powers to heal all kinds of hurt._ I reveled in his warmth and the sound of his steady heartbeat. I smiled at the thought that I would be falling asleep to that heartbeat for the foreseeable future.

"It's been almost a year, you know," he murmured.

"I do know." He looked me in the eyes for a long moment before taking a deep breath and leaving the past where it was.

"What are you having a problem with?" He dropped his arms slightly from around my shoulders to my lower back.

"I'm not sure what I should pack and what I should keep here."

"Take it all. For tonight, since it's getting late, just bring a change of clothes. But tomorrow morning, bright and early, we will come back to get everything else."

"Well, how are we supposed to get everything out there? One duffel bag load at a time?."

"Your lack of proper luggage is a problem we will deal with another day. What I don't understand is how you've managed to overlook the TRUNK at the end of your bed!" He pointed to the giant trunk I had just pilfered through. "It has handles. We can just toss it in the Jeep."

His enthusiasm was so adorable that it was borderline creepy. He leaned over the bed, grabbed all of the clothes I had 'carefully' piled there, and deposited them into the oversized trunk.

He stood up victoriously with his hands on his hips. "What else did you want to pack?"

"That was the whole issue, I didn't know what to pack and what to leave."

He stood up straight to address me, "Leloo." He placed his hands on my cheeks and rubbed softly with his thumbs before continuing. "Bring everything. Be comfortable and happy. Many of these things make you feel at home in this room. Outpost will be like your home, at least for a little while. So let's make it a happy place." He kissed the tip of my nose. "But most importantly, make sure you bring your quilt tonight. The one at Outpost is uncomfortable and yours is very nice."

I laughed and kissed his lips. It looked like we were moving in together, and I liked the sound of that.


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: "Wake Up" is by Arcade Fire. If you recognize the song, it plays in the trailer from "Where The Wild Things Are". There are a lot of things that I could say about this song, but the most important is that it is full of foreshadowing. It is a heartbreaking song about change and aging.**

**I don't own Twilight. **

* * *

Wake Up

I was dreaming about sunrises and swing sets and smiles with too many teeth. And then, all of a sudden, I wasn't dreaming anymore. I was sitting straight up in bed, confused and breathing hard.

I felt a large, rough hand on my back, and Carson whispered, "It's just the phone. I can get it."

"No, no. I'm fine. I'll get it." I regained my breath and grabbed my phone off the nightstand. "Go back to sleep."

I stood up, grabbed my robe, and scurried out of the room. With Nox and Liv staying with her parents, Carson and I were always on call. Normally, I wouldn't have a problem with Carson offering to answer the call, but I knew that particular ring tone: it was Jacob. If it was the middle of the night on the west coast, it was a truly ungodly hour on the east coast.

"What's wrong?" I answered in lieu of greeting.

"Ehh..." Jacob paused. "Not so much wrong as weird."

"What the heck does that mean? And why are you calling me at..." I pulled the phone away to check the time. It was only one in the morning my time, but that meant it was... "four o'clock in the morning?"

"I'm getting to it! It's... I just... You'll think I'm crazy," he stuttered over his words.

By that time, I had reached the back door of Outpost. I swung it open into the warm night air. I started to realize that my Alpha had something serious to talk about. "What's wrong, Jacob?" I repeated. "Are you and Seth okay?"

"I think so. I can just... feel something. It's hard to describe. It's like a tickle, right at the base of my spine and the soft spot at the back of my head. And it gets _heavier_ with every breath I take. It woke me out of a dead sleep an hour ago. I woke Seth up and asked him if he could feel it. At first he said no, but now he says he feels it too." He took a deep breath. I needed to do the same. "I didn't _want_ to wake you up, but I thought I _should_." The emphasis seemed important.

"What do you mean, you thought you should? Who else have you told about this?"

"I haven't told anyone. Just Seth. I'm not entirely sure..." But he never finished his sentence. I heard the phone clatter to the floor and then lots of banging noises. Then I heard something roar. Not a howl or a growl, I heard a definite roar.

I stood up off the step and yelled into the phone. "Jacob! What's wrong? Jacob!" But nothing answered except my own echoes through the trees and off the lake. I started pacing, hoping after a few moments he would come back to the phone. He never did. Instead, I heard a tiny voice that sounded like tinkling bells on the other end of the line.

She wasn't talking into the phone, she was talking to someone there, with Jacob. _"Will you calm down? As soon as you change back, I'll tell you what happened. I can't believe you! You rammed a hole through the wall!"_ There was a scraping noise close to the phone, and when the voice spoke again it was closer, too. "Wolves."

"Alice," I addressed the tiny voice. _At one in the morning, were greetings all that necessary?_

"Good morning, Leah. I'm sorry Jake had to wake you up."

"At this point, that's the least of my worries. You mind telling me what's going on?"

"Oh! Certainly! It's been a year since the last time you phased. A couple of weeks ago I started seeing these random fuzzy visions of horses and lakes." She wasn't explaining anything that I needed to know. I needed to know if Jacob was okay, not about her damned fuzzy visions. "Now it's all clear. You aren't a wolf anymore."

And then I was dreaming again.

_Screee, Clap! Clap! Slapslapslap._ _Leah!_

There was a see-saw, but then it wasn't a see-saw, it was a merry-go-round. At first I was pushing it. Pushing big smiles with too many teeth, but then I was riding it and I was all alone and I couldn't get off. But then Carson came and smacked at the bars until it slowed.

"Wake up. Come on, Naika Leloo. Wake up."

For a moment, I was only aware that I was lying outside in the cool grass, and that Carson was holding me, trying to get me to wake up. As soon as the 'why' hit me, my eyes were wide and I was gasping for my phone.

"Call back. I've got to call back. Right now."

"I don't think so. I hear you yelling at the back door, and I come outside to find you collapsed in the grass. I think you should see a doctor." He placed a hand on my forehead and cheeks. His eyes were wide with worry.

"No, I'm fine. I think I was just exhausted, and I passed out. I'll be fine in the morning. I was yelling at Jacob for waking me up in the middle of the night. It's no big deal. I just have a question I need to ask him before I come up to bed. I'll meet you there."

"Nope. Sorry. Not an option." He stood up and pulled me with him, supporting most of my weight as he went. "If you think this is just exhaustion, you need to get in bed."

He walked me back into the house and up the stairs to our bedroom. He replaced the phone on the bedside table and I tucked myself back into bed. Carson positioned himself on his side and looked at me expectantly.

"What?" I asked.

"I'm just making sure you get back to sleep alright."

"Oh-kay." I rolled over onto my side and Carson replaced the covers. "Creepy much?" I mumbled, but I was pretty sure he heard me, because he laughed.

_What the heck did Alice mean when she said I wasn't a wolf anymore? Did she mean I was finally aging again? That I was more like a 'regular person?' More like Carson? _

It sounded too good to be true. I needed answers.

I laid in bed and thought about whether or not I felt any different. I didn't think I felt any less... _mythic_ than an hour prior. I just felt tired, achingly tired. I wasn't sleepy, not remotely. My mind was racing, thinking of possibilities for Alice's cryptic words, but my body was on the verge of completely shutting down. I felt so utterly drained.

After thirty minutes of even breathing and slight position shifts to throw off suspicion, I reached for my phone. Carson had been asleep for twenty minutes and a quick text message should be easy enough to pull off.

"Nuh-uh." It must have been the sound of gears churning loud enough to rival Big Ben. He reached around me, grabbed my phone and slid it into his bedside table drawer. "Sleep." He threw his arm over me, pinning me in place. No way I was getting that phone. _Damn._

The next morning, I woke up to an extraordinarily empty bed. Not a pleasant experience. I also realized that the sun was entirely too high for my usual routine. I lifted my head off of the pillows to see that the clock read 12:19. _What the...?_ I noticed my phone had found its way back to my table. Along with a muffin, a glass of orange juice, and a note.

_Good morning, Leloo. You're probably upset that I let you oversleep, but you needed the rest. Alice called. She is on her way here with your brother and some of the Cullens. She wanted to speak to you, but I told her I wouldn't wake you. The muffin is for carbohydrates and calories. The juice is for vitamin C and sugar. I wanted to get all of the bases covered. Eat. Drink. Rest. You'll need your energy to deal with Alice. She seemed excited. Call me if you need me. ~Carson_

I sat up, rubbed the sleep from my eyes, and reached for my phone. I realized it was blinking red. I had a text message from Alice.

_By the time you wake up, we will all be in the air. See you in a few hours!_

"Argh!" I grunted and threw my phone into Carson's pillow.

I stood up from the bed and felt like something was a little off. I went to the bathroom and realized I was bleeding. I hadn't had a period in over two years. It wasn't like I kept a stock of tampons _just in case. _I wondered if it had something to do with what Alice had said about not being a wolf anymore. And if so, what did that mean? The questions just kept piling up.

I showered and threw on some sweats; I needed to run down to the staff cabin before I got ready for work.

Outside, it was the first remotely cloudy day in over two weeks. I grunted in my frustration. That would move up the timetable on when to expect the Cullens. But I put my frustrations on the back-burner for a moment to fully enjoy the sight before my eyes. Carson's Jeep was still parked next to the deck. His keys were even in the ignition. Well, not one to look a gift Jeep in the tail pipe, I jumped in and drove down to the staff cabin, skipping the twenty minute jog.

Before, when I was phasing regularly, my endurance was off the charts, for obvious reasons. It wasn't like all of a sudden I got winded climbing a flight of stairs, but after a while, I couldn't do all of the things I used to. A twenty minute jog before work when I already felt crappy was a little daunting.

Half an hour later, after _borrowing_ a handful of tampons from Jillian and changing into a button up shirt and a pair of jeans, I was seated behind my desk in the lodge. I took a few calls, entered in the last week's comment cards into the database, and ordered the supplies the inventory spreadsheet said we lacked. I was trying to get ahead of my day's checklist, because there was no telling how my afternoon was going to go.

Around five-thirty, _jeeze that was fast,_ I heard several pairs of footsteps coming up the front steps. Jillian had a group out on horseback, Luke was teaching a bachelorette party how to canoe, Charlotte was with a group of kids making some sort of craft, and their parents were otherwise occupied. I had a pretty good idea who was coming up the stairs. I steeled myself for whatever news the teensy little bloodsucker would deliver.

Carson was the first though the door. I hadn't seen him all day. He walked inside mostly backward, addressing the mob of overly-clothed Cullens.

Present and accounted for were Alice, front and center (and bouncing), Jasper, Jacob, and Seth. Bella and Carlisle brought up the rear. Every single one of them made eye contact with me and they each had varying degrees of either stress or excitement to express. And there was very little rhyme or reason to who felt what.

Carson, on the other hand, was still clueless. "I can get everyone keys to your cabin. Leah sh-" And then he turned around and saw me. "Leloo, what are you doing here? You should be in bed."

But I couldn't exactly answer. I was caught in a tangle of 108 degree limbs, in a very awkward group hug.

"I can't believe it! This is so crazy. I didn't think you would be the first one!" my brother exclaimed in my ear.

"I'm proud of you, Leah," Jacob continued in a whisper.

When they broke out of the hug, my eyes were wet and so were theirs. For a moment, I wished I could hear what they were thinking, to know if this was it for me, if I was done. And a part of me wanted to know if they would miss me in their heads, because that same tiny part of me would miss them in my head.

"Are you not feeling well, Leah?" Carlisle asked in response to Carson's question. I snapped back into the land of the living, _heh,_ and wondered if Carlisle ever turned his doctor switch off.

"It's nothing. I was just exhausted last night and I passed out. Nothing major."

Carlisle made his way through the others and patted my skin like Carson had the night before. I preemptively hissed at the searing cold that never came.

"Sorry," he murmured with a slight hint of a smirk. "You feel a little chilly. You and I will have a chat later. Alright?" He posed it as a question, but it didn't sound much like he was asking. I got the feeling that _chatting _with Carlisle was the entire reason they up and flew all the way across the continent. It hadn't been his doctor switch, it had been his scheming switch.

"Okay," I answered. But then I glanced over at Alice and whispered, "But I want to talk to Alice, too."

Right on cue, she piped up and addressed Carson, "Hey, Carson, Carlisle looks a little concerned. She might be coming down with something." All the while, Carlisle is hamming it up: eyebrows drawn, head tilted. "While you get everyone situated in our cabin, why don't I drive Leah back out to your place? She should probably get back in bed if she passed out last night. I'm sure you can handle things here, right?"

And then he looked at me with a pompous air, single eyebrow raised, pursed lips and all. For a split second, I just wanted to smack the smile right off his face, but then I was fine. "I think that is a wonderful idea, Alice." He grabbed four sets of keys off of hooks from a cabinet near the door to his temporary office and handed them all to Carlisle. "Welcome again to Siwash. You are all going to be in Cariboo; it is on the other side of the lake from the lodge."

I hugged my brother again and thanked him for coming. I told Jacob I would talk to him later, and I pressed the importance with raised eyebrows. I wanted to make sure that he was okay. He seemed fine, but the last I knew, he phased on the fly and busted through a wall. I properly greeted Carlisle, Bella, and Jasper, and I realized how odd the group was that had arrived. I would have to ask about it later.

"If you will all give me just a moment with Leah?" Carson requested.

Our guests nodded and walked out onto the deck. I heard footsteps down the stairs and after a second the anger that had fled earlier came back with a vengeance. I just let it sit there and stew.

"You should have stayed in bed. I said in my note that I would take care of everything today." Then the single raised eyebrow made a triumphant return and I couldn't hold it in any longer.

"Oh, don't look at me like that! You knew I wouldn't stay in bed. You left your Jeep at Outpost, knowing full well I would drive it down here!" I was tiptoeing on that line of belligerence, but I was still so confused about everything and I just wanted answers and he wasn't helping!

Carson walked over to me and said through clenched teeth, "I left my Jeep at Outpost because I know how hardheaded you are. I knew you wouldn't stay in bed and if you weren't going to stay in bed, the least I could do would be to leave the Jeep up there so you wouldn't _run_ down here." He took a slow deep breath and I watched his chest fully expand and contract.

I knew I had pushed his protective button, but I just wanted to stand there and cry. I couldn't remember the last time I felt quite like that. I knew I had a hairpin trigger at times, but getting mad that he was trying to be sweet was a little much, even for me. Maybe it was PMS. I slumped back down into my desk chair and laid my head in my hands.

He ran his hand over my hair and kissed the crown of my head. A silent apology. "Please, just let Alice take you back up to Outpost. If the doc wants to talk to you, I'll tell him how to get there."

I picked my head out of my hands and let out one tiny sniffle and looked up at him through wet eyes. I couldn't help it. I just wanted to apologize, but it came out closer to: "I'm shorry."

Instantly, he was kneeling in front of me with my cheeks in his hands. "Naika Leloo, what's wrong?"

"I don't know. I think something might be wrong with me." But then I paused and thought for a moment before I continued. "Or something might be really, really right for the first time in a long time."

Carson shook his head slightly and his eyebrows drew together. "I don't understand. If something is right, why are you so upset right now?"

I steadied myself for what I was about to say. "When I woke up this morning, I was bleeding."

His voice immediately grew more concerned. "Bleeding? Where?"

I suggestively, but not at all in a sexy way, looked down and back up at Carson. Where as before his eyebrows were drawn down and together, then they flew up and apart. "What could that mean?"

"I don't know," I whispered.

"Okay, well, all the more reason for you to get some rest. I'll go meet up with your brother, Jacob, and the Cullens and unless Alice is hanging around here, you should head back to Outpost." As an afterthought he added, "Please."

I agreed and we walked out of the lodge hand in hand.


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N: "The Secret's in the Telling" is by Dashboard Confessional. I have had this song/chapter combo planned out for months. I think it is a perfect fit. The flashbacks are set to "Be OK" by Ingrid Michaelson (my profile avatar).**

**I don't own Twilight.**

* * *

The Secret's in the Telling

The sun rises entirely too early during the summer in Siwash. I tried to clamp my eye lids shut, but by six, the sun hit my eyes perfectly, and I could no longer sleep.

I could feel the power humming in my bones. The Mantle, as Carlisle had called it. It was still there, even if Jacob had taken back most of it. It was just sleeping. _Unlike me,_ I thought bitterly.

I sat up out of bed and crossed the room to sit in an overstuffed chair-and-a-half.

The Mantle wanted so badly to flow back into my muscles, my fingertips. It took every ounce of control I had learned to not pace the room. If I started pacing, the power wouldn't be humming anymore, it would be singing, begging me to phase, and it sounded _so good_.

I closed my eyes and took a few calming breaths. I stretched out my back and neck and the humming quieted down a bit.

The day before, after a day of thinking over everything Carlisle and Alice told me, I asked the Cullens, Jacob, and my brother to go home. The boys decided to visit La Push for a couple days before returning to New Hampshire.

I opened my eyes and laughed at Carson. He was faced down on the bed, with the covers pulled up around his ears even though it was the middle of June. However, that wasn't the amusing part. He had kicked the quilt off of his feet and calves. Only his back down to his mid-thigh was covered. I'd witnessed the phenomenon a dozen times, but that made it no less amusing. He claimed he was _applying the theory of latent cooling in the same fashion as a rabbit_. How he explained it, it was like a rabbit cooling its body in the desert through his huge ears. The blood in his legs would cool and then circulate through the rest of his body (that just _had_ to be covered at all times) to cool it as well. I just numbered it among his many quirks.

I sat as still as possible for as long as I could. I watched his toes flex and curl, the quilt rise and fall with his steady breathing, and the clock tick off three quarters of an hour. I thought over Alice's words and their meaning.

_Sitting in a tiny slice of shade on the lodge's porch was Alice. Carson squeezed my hand and kissed my cheek before sprinting off in the direction of Cariboo. The rest of the Cullens were nowhere in sight after walking out of the lodge just moments before._

_ Alice was staring right at me, smiling, with expectant eyebrows raised. I was staring anywhere but at the little vampire sitting in front of me. _

_ She popped up like a daisy in the spring and into my line of sight. "Come on. We only have so much time before Carson heads back up to Outpost, and there is a lot to talk about!"_

_ She reached for my hand, quick as lightning of course, and I had the same knee-jerk reaction I had with Carlisle. And again, the searing cold never came. She was still cold, just not _as_ cold as before._

_ "How about we start with that? Why aren't you cold anymore?" I tried halfway through to rein in my temper: they were there for me after all, but my questions were still saturated with bitchy._

_ I could feel the adrenaline rising in my body. I wanted a fight, but I didn't know why._

_ "I think that sounds like a great place to start, but you need to take a few deep breaths first." Alice was smiling, but her eyes were tense. _

_ Going against my instincts, I shut my eyes and took a deep breath. The anxiety quieted down after a moment. _

_ When I opened my eyes, Alice was standing next to the Jeep, motioning towards the passenger seat. I held my index finger up and waved it once from left to right. "Nope. I'm driving."_

_ "But what if Carson sees you driving? I'm supposed to be taking you back to your cabin." It sounded legit, but then I noticed the devilish smirk hidden behind her innocent smile. I remembered our phone call from the night before. _

_ "Then you will see him coming, since I'm not a blind spot anymore." I walked around to the driver's side. By the time I turned the corner at the bumper, she was already perched in the passenger seat, pouting. _

_ I hopped in though the missing door and buckled my seatbelt. "All right, no more stalling. Start talking." And boy, did she start. It was all I could do to keep up._

_ "Okay, the reason I don't feel freezing cold anymore is because _you_ aren't burning up anymore. You aren't a toasty 108, I'd guess you're closer to..." she paused and shook her hand like she was estimating, "99.2."_

_ "Why?" My stomach clenched in anticipation._

_ "It's not as if you don't already know." Alice tore her eyes from the path to Outpost and smiled at me. "You aren't a wolf anymore. You're human, at least mostly. You're done, if that's what you want."_

_ I let out a huge breath that made my chest feel hollow. So that was it. I was 'done.' All of a sudden I felt exposed, naked. I felt a twinge of regret, and I couldn't explain it. I had Carson, I had an amazing home, and that last puzzle piece allowed me to grow old._ So why was I absolutely terrified?

_ "Leah." Alice snapped me out of my stupor. "You really need to quit that. Your whole 'new-found calm' is what kept you from phasing for a year. If you keep this up you'll phase before we make it to your cabin! Do you really think all that power _wants _to stay dormant? Especially around me!" Her pitch climbed unbelievably higher with each exclamation._

_ I took a few calming breaths and evaluated her ever-cryptic words. "So, it's still there? Whatever turns us into wolves?"_

_ "Did you not pay attention to your own tribe's history? Taha Aki gave up his wolf when he met his True Spirit Wife, but when he needed to kill a Cold One, he drew upon his power and phased."_

_ I catalogued that for later mulling, and took a deep breath in preparation for my next question._

_ "Can I have kids? Is that what this bleeding means, or does it mean that I'm more messed up than before?" I looked away from the one lane path to Outpost and saw Alice's sad eyes. I hadn't let myself get excited at any sort of possibility, but the blow still hurt._

_ Alice laid a hand on my forearm. "No, it's not that you can't have kids; it's that I don't know. I wish I could tell you. There is just a lot for you to decide over the next few days, and until you do, I can't see whether or not you can have kids. I'm sorry." Her eyes were still sad when we pulled up to Outpost._

_ "So what do you know?"_

_ "I know that Carson is already on his way up here. He is going to tell you that Carlisle wants to take you into town within the hour to get checked out at the nearest hospital. That isn't a lie. Carlisle does want to check out a few things to test a couple of theories we've been tossing around. Carlisle will be able to tell you a lot more than I have. He will be able to tell you if there is anything wrong."_

_ Alice leaned over in the Jeep and kissed my cheek. I didn't try to stop her or pull away like I would have two years ago. I just let it happen._

Carson shifted under the covers and pulled them tighter around his neck. I couldn't just sit there any longer, I had to get up and do something. I pulled on a pair of shorts and a tank top and walked downstairs and out the door.

I stood on the porch for a moment and let the sun heat my skin. I still hadn't made a decision about my plans for the morning. A run, a short ride with Tenas, maybe a swim in the lake? It was warm enough.

But the last step off the porch stopped me. _Damn stair. _It squeaked like a dying bird, as it had for the last week and a half. I knew it was on Carson's to-do list, but if I could cross it off, that might open up some of his time. He had the 'look ruggedly handsome' part of his job down, but he wasn't so good at the 'delegation of duties.' He tried to do everything himself. I might have to take a trip down to the tool shed, but if I was lucky, I would find most of it in Carson's tool box.

I jumped over the last step and walked around the side of Outpost towards the Jeep, ticking off the things I would need.

When I reached the Jeep, I realized the boards were already cut and poking out of the back window. I pulled them out and carried them over to the grass around the step. Back at the Jeep, I reached for the lid to the tool box, but I realized Carson had set out everything he would have needed for this project right under where the boards had been.

The work was soothing. More so than running or riding Tenas would have been, but it also left a lot of space to think. Carlisle's theories filled my mind, his theories and the decisions they demanded.

_I paced the small kitchen for fifteen minutes before Carson walked through the front door. Something felt off inside me, and I couldn't name it, but I was glad to see him. He fought the feeling away. I melted into his arms and he told me I should have been in bed. Instead of arguing, I simply agreed; I didn't want to argue with him. _

_ He told me exactly what Alice said he would, and I prepared for a trip into town. I hadn't been to a hospital since my dad died, since my first phase. I wasn't exactly thrilled, but Alice had promised that Carlisle would have more answers. _

_ Right on time, Carlisle knocked on the door. Idling behind him was a large, dark-colored SUV. Carson kissed my forehead and I walked out behind the good doctor. _

_ The ride was long and torturous, even though we made it to 100 Mile General in record time. I wondered briefly how Olivia was, since she would be walking into a hospital soon, too. _

_ "I called in ahead of time. There are several open rooms in the ob-gyn wing that we will be able to use. By the time we get there, that area of the hospital should be mostly cleared out."_

_ My forehead creased as I looked over at Carlisle. "Why ob-gyn?"_

_ "We will be needing to use their ultrasound equipment, and that is where it is located. All of the other tests, I can do from anywhere in the hospital."_

_ Forty-five minutes later, after being weighed, poked, pricked, hammered, blinded, jelly bellied, and duck-billed between the stirrups, I sat in a faded blue gown on a paper sheet waiting for my test results. Carlisle ran everything himself so that the orderlies buzzing about were none the wiser. _

_ Carlisle knocked quietly, yet again, and walked into the overly sterile room. He sat down across from me and opened my chart and glanced at it as if to jog his memory._

_ "I have good news. All of your tests came back more or less as I expected them. Your reflexes are a little slow, though I can only compare them to Jacob and Seth's. They are now closer to a human's. Your eyesight has lessened, though I'm sure you've noticed the difference." We both nodded then, and it broke some of the tension. "Your blood work is normal, or as normal as a shape shifter can be. It was nearly identical to Jacob's so that leads me to believe that it hasn't changed. We will get to that in a moment. The ultrasound and pelvic exam both came up clear, and completely healthy."_

_ "But... There are always buts. All of that sounds like great news. I know you're getting ready to smack me with some total crap news."_

_ "No buts, theories. I'll start broad and work my way back. When you were on the phone with Jacob yesterday and he phased uncontrollably, I think it was because the power that controls your ability to phase was transferred to him. Since he is your "Alpha," he is acting as the majority placeholder for that power, or Mantle. I think that is also why you passed out. Your body has been so used to this... _energy _inside you, and at the point that it almost completely transferred to Jacob, your body collapsed."_

_ "So, my portion of the "Mantle" is gone and Jacob has a double portion? Where exactly are you getting this from, doc?"_

_ "I've pieced this together from what Jacob and your brother have told me about what they have felt over the past few weeks and from your tribal legends. Seth was also affected by your decision to discontinue phasing. He now also carries more of the Mantle. But back to your first question, your portion should not be completely gone, because without it you would not be able to ever call back the ability to phase. If at some point down the road, you need to, you would be able to. I believe the story that specifically relates to this issue is 'The Story of the Third Wife'."_

_ I blinked hard a couple times in an attempt to absorb some of what Carlisle was saying. It didn't help much. That was what Alice had said hours earlier, and I was ashamed that two vampires knew my own history better than I did. I should have known what was happening, or at least predicted better instead of fussing so much._

_ "What do you feel now, Leah?"_

_ "A draft, but that might be because I'm wearing a backless gown." The guilt transformed into sarcasm almost instantly._

_ "No, that's not what I meant. Think about the place you pull from when you used to call on the change."_

_ I did as he asked and I felt it, a buzzing in my bones. It hummed like mosquitoes sucking at my marrow. _

_ "What is that?"_

_ "I don't know. It could be what's left of your part of the Mantle, or residue from when it left you yesterday, or a gateway that gives you access to that power should you need it, or something completely different. I don't know. I wasn't even sure you would feel anything, just a lucky guess."_

_ He smiled then and I hoped that it was a sign of good news to come, because I wasn't sure what to make of all that he had just said. "After this weekend, I don't think you should spend a lot of time with myself or my family. Of course, this is not a theory that I would like to prove, but I believe that if you were to spend too much time around vampires, it would restart the process that made you a wolf to begin with. I believe that while you were actively phasing, your body stopped menstruating as a way to protect you." _

_ Everything was back on track, signs were pointing to a butless prognosis, but then all of a sudden my body has a mind of its own? My mouth drew down in confusion, but I didn't interrupt. _

_ "I think phasing would be too traumatic on an unborn child and would result in a miscarriage."_

_ "That makes sense, I guess."_

_ "I believe that is why you stopped menstruating when you started phasing. It was a self-preservation mechanism. A miscarriage is hard not only on your body but on your mental health as well. And I think now that you have abstained from phasing for enough time to begin to age again, your body will allow you to get pregnant."_

_ I dropped my head into my hands at his words and cried. Hot tears flowed down my cheeks and through my fingers. Carlisle laid a hand on my shoulder, and it was a great comfort. _

_ "I can't say for sure whether this is possible, but I think it is more likely than not. The bleeding you are experiencing is consistent with menstrual blood, but there are precautions."_

_ I looked up, running my fingers through my hair, and sniffed a laugh. "I thought you said there weren't going to be buts."_

_ He smiled and I smiled back as my tears fell onto my shirt, but I didn't care. "Only one or two. I need to stress the point that you cannot phase if or when you become pregnant. That is one theory that I am fairly certain about. And the other thing you need to consider is that your children would be exposed to the same condition that you are, and therefore, I think you have an obligation to tell the children's father that information." He took an unnecessary breath, and patted his legs. "But as always, that decision is yours." _

_ He smiled and walked out of the room to give me time to change. For a moment I just sat there, looking at the room with whole new eyes. Women got news like mine in that room every day. I smiled, biting my lip, and I felt just like one of them: full of hope. I jumped up from the crinkly bed and dressed as quickly as possible. I was ready to get back to the ranch and start living my life. _

_ The thought passed through my mind that I could give Carson everything he deserved now. And then Carlisle's last words replayed in my head. I had told myself months before that I would tell Carson the truth. He deserved it, and Carlisle's words hit home. I now had an _obligation.

_ I wracked my brain for the best possible solution as I dressed. When it came to this particular subject, I had been a serious procrastinator, waiting for the right moment. I would wait for a sign or something, but I knew the right moment might not come. So I gave myself a time limit, one week. _If the perfect opportunity doesn't present itself, I will tell Carson my secret a week from today, _I reiterated to myself. _Or maybe I should start my count when the Cullens leave?

_Within an hour, the SUV was parked outside of Cariboo, and I was hiking back up to Outpost, at my insistence. About half-way up the path, Jacob stepped out of the woods, wearing cutoff sweat pants and nearly scared me out of my skin. _

_ "Sorry, I just wanted to make sure I got a chance to talk to you tonight." Jacob's face was set in serious lines, but I was still riding the high from my good news._

_ "It's okay. What's up, ex-head honcho?" I asked with a laugh._

_ He broke into a sideways smile. "I just wanted to hear from you how everything went at the hospital. But judging by the mood, I'm guessing you aren't being devoured by a flesh eating virus?"_

_ "Mostly good news. Anything that isn't can be discussed in the morning." I wasn't ready to broach the subject of limiting my time with the Cullens, even with myself. Spending less time with the Cullens meant I had to spend less time with Jacob, because he never left Renesmee's side. And I barely saw Jacob as it was. Thinking of Renesmee..._

_ "So, where's Edward? I wouldn't think Bella that would travel anywhere without him. Is he back in New Hampshire with Renesmee?"_

_ "No, they're both here. Seth and I had to be here for obvious reasons. Nessie wanted to come since I came, and that meant Edward and Bella both had to come. Alice has been tweaking since last night, Jasper was on standby to keep her from terrorizing the other passengers on the plane, and you know why Carlisle is here."_

_ We started walking back towards Outpost. "So there aren't any others hiding in the woods I need to worry about? Emmett and the blonde are at home?"_

_ "Since when are you so concerned about the vamps?" Jacob laughed, but answered anyway. "No, Emmett and Rosalie are still honeymooning somewhere, and Esme is off working on a project. She wouldn't say what, but it required a plane ride somewhere."_

_ Jacob and I walked a few minutes in silence, and it forced me to think about the likelihood of losing him in a few days' time. I knew I could still call him if I needed him, but just like he said, where he went, the vampires followed. _

_ Just before we reached the porch to Outpost, I turned and hugged him. I had never been one to initiate a lot of physical contact, and I wanted him to know how grateful I was for everything he had done for me. _

_ "Thank you, Jacob." I didn't know what else to add that wouldn't fall short of what I meant. _

_ He tilted his head to the side, so much like his wolf, and hugged me again. Without another word, he turned to walk away. _

_ I walked up the steps. Scwaa! _Damn stair. _By the time I reached the door, Carson had it open, worried look plastered on his beautiful face. _

_ He looked over my shoulder, and his worried look temporarily transformed into one of confusion until he waved at Jacob. "Thanks for walking her back."_

_ "No problem," Jacob called back before disappearing into the darkness. _

_ "How did you check out?"_

_ My week wasn't up yet, and there was only one way to answer without lying. "Completely normal."_

I wiped the last bit of sealant off the board and surveyed my work. It was still a little sticky, so I couldn't check my work for squeak level yet, but it looked pretty good.

With the gears in my head slowing, and my hands stilled, I could hear movement inside the house. Carson was awake. I sat in the grass next to the step and waited for him to come to me. It was too nice sitting in the sun to be cooped up inside for even a minute.

Seconds later, a half-dressed Carson burst through the screen door, attempting to put on a bright blue t-shirt. Before he could run down the stairs and ruin all my hard work with a foot print, I jumped up in front of him. "Hey, there! What's the big hurry?"

Carson inhaled quickly, bug-eyed, and spun around placing his hands on his knees to catch his breath. I giggled at the show.

"There you are," he said breathlessly, through his legs.

"Oh, you were looking for me? No emergency down at the lodge?"

He stood upright and faced me, seeing for the first time my handiwork. "Did you do that, Leloo?"

"Yeah. Why? Can you tell? Does it look crappy?" I had thought it looked okay at least.

"No, no, it looks fine. It's just I had _delegated_ that job to Luke along with a couple of other things today." He jumped over the last step and pulled me into his arms. I sighed into his embrace. "I moved everything out of my schedule today so that we could have a day just for us..." He paused and took a deep breath and let it out with a smile. "And then I overslept, wasting half of our day away in bed, all the while you were out here doing what I set out to avoid to begin with." He laughed and kissed my forehead, and I snuggled into his chest.

_This is it. This is my sign, my perfect moment._ Tears immediately sprung to my eyes. I batted them away before I looked back up at Carson.

I opened my mouth to spill my guts, but he had a funny look on his face. He was staring at the steps again.

"Where did you those tools?" The question started out really urgent, and then he saw that I was in the middle of saying something and it drug out longer than it should have. The word 'tools' all of a sudden had two syllables.

"Uhm, I got them from your Jeep. You know, you've got that massive clanking tool box in the back?" I pulled the sides of my mouth down. The face he was making was starting to worry me, but it was now or never. "Anyway, um, let's sit down, okay?"

Carson's breathing picked up and his eyes grew wide as he drew his arms from around my shoulders. "Okay," he responded, and stepped over the stair and sat down at one of the deck chairs.

I did the same, leaning forward, resting my forearms on my knees. I gathered my words, and when I was ready, I ran my fingers through my hair. I looked up at Carson, but he had a sad puppy look about him. I didn't know exactly how to make that feeling go away, for all I knew, what I was about to tell him might make it worse or any other number of emotions I wasn't exactly prepared for.

"Carson, you've known that I've had a secret as long as we've known each other."

His mouth was set in a firm line. He inclined his head once.

"I thought you figured it out at one point, and that's why I tried to leave that time. I just didn't want telling you to be what got you hurt"

"Can't you see that not telling me has already hurt me?" he pleaded.

The tears returned and I nodded. "I know, Carson, I know I've hurt you. But the things that Carlisle told me. They can-"

"What does Carlisle have to do with any of this?" He crossed his hands over his chest and leaned back in his chair. His face was shutting off and I didn't understand why. I hadn't even really told him anything yet. _Maybe that's the problem._

"I'm doing this wrong."

"Yeah, you are, Leloo." He said his pet name for me and it tore at my heart. "You found it in the tool box and now you're freaking out unnecessarily."

"I really don't think I'm the one 'freaking out' here."

"Maybe I am a little bit, but after watching you attached to _Jacob's_ hip for two days, I think I have a right!"

I put my head in my hands and gave us both a chance to breathe. Into my palms I mumbled, "I needed to spend time with him. I don't know when I'll see him again."

"It shouldn't matter."

I looked up and Carson's face was set in hard lines, looking off towards the lake. I stood up from my chair and paced the deck. Before I had even shown my hand, the game was already all or nothing. Carson stood up as well and walked to the far corner of the deck that faced the lake, placing his hands on the rails.

There weren't any words for what I needed to say. I had been forbidden for so long to breathe a word of this secret, and all of a sudden I needed composure to divulge this massive part of myself. Direct was the only approach I could come up with.

I walked up behind him and spoke to his back. "Carson, I'm a Wolf, or I was. The closest word for what I am is a Shape Shifter, but Werewolf is pretty close." He still hadn't turned around, so I kept going. "Jacob was my Alpha, my Captain or lieutenant or whatever. There was never anything going on between me and Jacob. I swear."

"And how can I believe that when everything else that you've just said is utter fiction?"

"Wh- what do you mean?"

He turned around to face me and his eyes held so much pain. I immediately regretted telling him anything. I wanted to take back every word.

"Show me. Let's see it." He waved a hand towards the open grassy space in front of the cabin.

"I can't. I told you. I _was_ a wolf. I gave it up. I can't do it anymo-" but he cut me off with an upraised hand. His eyes were closed, his face lowered and sad.

"Well, either you are completely delusional and actually believe that you are a 'shape shifter' or you found what I was planning to give you in the tool box and spent the morning concocting this bizarre scheme to make me think that you are completely delusional. My money is on the latter. I'm not even sure how Jacob mixes into all this."

It was then that I realized that I had missed my window. I had missed my window by months. I felt like I was sitting in the middle of a sitcom from the 90's. There was always an episode where someone had a secret, but after telling everyone for so long that they didn't have a secret, they missed their window.

"Carson, I'm sorry."

"I know, you're sorry, you just don't want to be with me forever." He leaned down and kissed my hair. I didn't know what to say, what to do. "I'm going to grab my bag, maybe camp for a night. I think we both need some time to think. I'll be back in the morning. We can talk more then."

He walked into the house and grabbed his bag that he kept ready for whenever Nox wanted to go hiking or biking and stay out for the night.

I stood, stock still with tears streaming, and watched him walk down the stairs, and the damn stair didn't squeak a bit as he walked down it, and across the patch of grass and into the woods.


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N: "Statue" is by The Low Millions. It is an amazing alone song, but then again, their whole album is. I highly recommend Songs About Jane. **

**I do not own Twilight. **

* * *

Statue

I had done it wrong. All wrong, and he had left.

I stood there, mouth gaping, staring at the gap in the trees where he had disappeared. Time passed, meaningless and measureless. Days? Hours? I lost all sense of it, waiting for him to walk back out of those trees. Sobs wracked my body. It made my chest ache, and eventually there were no more tears.

When I could no longer stand, I sat down where and wrapped my arms around my knees. When I could no longer sit, I laid down. I made sure that I could always see the spot where he disappeared. I wanted to see him if he returned. I wanted to show him that I hadn't gone anywhere, that I _wasn't going_ anywhere.

_Insert snarky Bella comment here._ I couldn't help but see the comparison. I remembered the sight of Bella lying in the woods behind her house, relayed through the minds of the pack. For such a long time it had been the image that validated all of our shit for us. That brought on a new wave of tears. But Carson was different. He was amazing. He had been there for everything that I needed and every once in a while, I got to be there for him, too. He was so patient and loving, forging to a fault. And he worked so hard for everything, especially us. He was different.

_Maybe Bella thought Edward was different, _I thought. I rubbed my sore eyes and pulled my messy hair out of my face. _Maybe girls everywhere think guys are different. Maybe in that way, I'm not alone..._

I listened to the hum of the air conditioner and considered walking inside to turn it off. It wasn't helping anyone. But I wanted to be right where he left me when he came back. At one point, I heard the phone ring inside the cabin, but I had no desire to answer it. If someone down at the ranch needed something, they would either call back or come get me. After a few minutes the air conditioner turned off and I was thrust back into the deafening quiet of the middle of nowhere, left with just my thoughts. I wasn't exactly in my right state of mind.

Eventually the sun set and the sky started to darken. The stars came out one by one and, though I couldn't appreciate their beauty, I did realize that it had been far too long since I had taken the time to just sit and look at them.

The sky was still just light enough that I could see sheets of translucent clouds roll in, attempting to mask the moon, but just dark enough that the stars shone through.

The later it got, the thicker the air became. It weighed on my chest like an extra layer of clothing. I could feel the rain coming in from the Pacific.

Bugs flew around in the heavy air, and a few mosquitoes bit me. I tried to break down every single sound in the growing dark. Several groups of crickets and cicadas were scattered around the porch and the edge of the lake; they all sang off beat to each other. There was one big bull frog where one of the streams feeding Siwash dumped into the lake behind the cabin. Every once in a while he let out a long moan.

There was a slight wind that rustled between the trees. It made the leaves dance and do summersaults to show their lighter undersides, further proof of the impending rain. There were a few leaves that had already burned up in the sun, turned brown and fallen to the ground. They crinkled together, gathering in corners around the cabin and hollows beneath the trees. A few of Autumn's helicopters fell before their time. They spiral and flip and spin and collide. I missed watching them though little kid eyes. The crickets were a chorus among themselves, but the cicadas and the bull frog echoed over the lake. The more I focused on their individual, unique sounds, the louder they were, and the less I had to think about why I was forcing myself into cabin-exile.

By nightfall, I could see a faint orange glow from the west. I assumed it was either 70 Mile or 100 Mile. Siwash was situated somewhere in between the two, but there was only one road from here to 70 Mile, so it always seemed like 70 Mile was considerably closer. My guess was that it was 100 mile. I had never noticed before then that you could see the glow from Siwash.

It would have been a romantic evening, but not romantic in the lovey-dovey way. It would have been romantic in the overly extravagant, extraordinarily beautiful, breath-taking way. I wished I could have witnessed it all with Carson.

It took a while to realize it, but I noticed that the orange glow was getting closer. I stood up and walked to the side of the porch that overlooked the lake. It wasn't the glow of city lights I was seeing: it was a storm rolling in, a giant thunderstorm. Carson was going to be stuck out in it. Even if I knew where he was, if I tried to find him, I would get stuck somewhere in between when the storm hit.

I stood, leaning against the railing and watched the clouds gather over Siwash. There were constant faint cracks far off in the distance, spotted with bright flashes and loud whip cracks, much closer. The lightning tore the sky in two before retreating to its hiding place and returning the horizon to its tumultuous perfection.

I watched the storm front roll in over the lake, disrupting one side, and rippling towards the other, towards me. A few seconds later I heard the rain hitting the tin roof. _Ting-tak-tak. Pak-tak-ting. Tak-pak-pak. _And then the rain fell on my arms. I turned my face up towards the clouds, and let the droplets wash away my tears.

The lightning surrounded me and drowned out everything else. I thought about how the erratic beat of the bolts was reminiscent of the uneven beat of my heart earlier, when Carson had said that I was delusional. He said I was freaking out over... something. I didn't remember, the lightning was stealing away my coherent thoughts. I couldn't stop thinking about how similar love and lightning were. The thought pattern was stuck on repeat, and it was all babble.

_It can roll in between heart beats and leave just as suddenly, or it could last and last, feeling like it's never going to end. You cannot hide from it. If it really wants to get to you, it can and will. It's electric and can steal your sense of security and leave you wandering in the dark. But in the same way, it can light up a night sky. It replenishes what is drought-stricken but sometimes, too much of a good thing can be dangerous. It's completely abstract and complex and it never happens exactly the same way twice. But above all else, it's breathtakingly beautiful, and worth witnessing, every single time._

I hoped Zeus was happy. He was turning me mad. I felt unhinged. Between the wind and the leaves, and the crickets, and cicadas, the bull frog, the rain on the tin roof, and the lightning, I was in the middle of a tempest. And I was entirely alone.

After a few minutes, the water soaked through my clothes. It sent a shiver up my spine and it helped to clear the fog I had been in since Carson's departure.

_I'm not Bella. I'm not going to sit here and wait for this to get better. _I had to figure everything out and fix it myself.

_Something wasn't right,_ I thought to myself, and I brought to the surface everything he had said during our short time together that morning.

It started out fine; he seemed surprised but pleased to find me right outside the cabin.

I felt like a little kid, re-tracing my steps to find a lost toy or missing key. In a sense I was looking for a missing key, the key that would tell me why he left, because something didn't feel right.

I realized that Luke never came to fix the step. Granted, I had fixed it, but wasn't Luke supposed to at least come up to attempt to fix it before realizing the job was already done?

Carson had made an odd face when he asked about the tools, but that was probably just because he had only just asserted himself to then immediately tell Luke, "Oh, never mind, the job's already done."

Then I got a little fuzzy on the details but he went on the defensive about Carlisle, and that didn't make any sense. Then... _Oh! _"_You found it in the tool box..."_ So his odd look about the tools hadn't been about Luke. _That's it! There's something in the tool box!_

I pulled my wet hair out of my face and looked towards the Jeep, still untouched since that morning. I ran across the porch and leaped over the steps. I skidded across the wet grass and my hair was immediately back in my face. Within seconds, I was standing on the tire, leaning over the rail, and searching through the tool box that took up a large portion of the back seat of Carson's Jeep. After a few moments, my fingers came across something that did not fit: a small, damp, felt box.

I straightened and jumped down from the tire. I took a seat on the bumper to further inspect the box and pulled my wild, damp hair away from my eyes so that I could see. It was a gift box, the kind used to give jewelry. I took a deep breath and opened the box.

Inside was the most beautiful and intricate ring I had ever seen. _This is what he was upset over. He thought I found it, _I thought as the tears returned, hidden by the rain. He thought that my "freaking out" was the sign that I didn't want to marry him, when in fact, at the moment, I couldn't think of anything I wanted more than to spend the rest of my life with him.

I had to tell him. _He would understand, I know he would._

I ran inside and quickly stripped out of my sopping, wet clothes and into some dry hiking gear. I threw on a waterproof jacket, slid the ring box into my pants pocket and grabbed a flashlight as I ran out the door.

I knew Nox had rules about hiking alone, hiking at night, and hiking in a storm. All were strictly forbidden, but I considered my situation to be an "extenuating circumstance."

I pulled my hood as far forward as I could, and the patter-sputter of rain drops hitting the slick fabric blocked out all other sounds. I kept the flashlight pointed close to my feet to keep from tripping.

I walked for what felt like miles in the only direction I knew to go. I didn't think Carson would stray too far from the trail. T_hat should help. _

After nearly an hour, I paused and caught my breath. I looked up and shone the flashlight around to try to get my bearings.

The flashlight glossed over something shiny when I swung it to the left. It shocked me, even though it was most likely a pair of deer eyes, but when I tried to swing it back right, it was gone. I tried in vain to find it again. All of a sudden, I felt sick. The Mantle stirred within me, so I took a few deep breaths to calm it.

I exhaled slowly and turned back around-

"Looking for me, love?" _Vampire._

I gasped and dropped the flashlight. Of course, it went out. Not wanting to risk exposing myself to pick up the flashlight, I quickly pulled the hood from my head and assumed a defensive position. I needed all of what senses I had left and the hood was dampening my sense of hearing. The rain wasn't exactly helping either, obviously.

There was a vampire in Siwash. And he was hunting me.

As soon as I gasped, he disappeared from sight, and I was blind in the all-but pitch dark.

"Who are you?" My plan was to play dumb. If push came to shove, I could phase and defend myself.

He snuck up on me again, this time behind me. "My name's Jamie. What's yours?" he whispered in my ear.

"My name's Leah. Are you a guest at the ranch?" I tried to keep my voice from wavering, but I felt so vulnerable.

"Oh, honey, let's skip the fun and games for now. I know you're more than meets the eye. I just can't figure out what." He walked slowly around me and bent to pick up my flashlight. He screwed the top back on and handed it to me with a flick of his wrist. I accepted it and pointed it at his middle, the best indicator of intent.

_No games? Okay, then. _I tugged on the Mantle, preparing myself to phase. But I had to get my timing right, I didn't know how fast I would be able to change. The in-between state might leave me even more vulnerable than the human I had become.

"Why are you here and what do you want?" My voice was steady and aggressive with the upsurge of power and energy.

He placed one hand on his hip, the other he brought up to his face. His finger tapped his lips. His gait was feminine, with a wide sway of hips and zig-zagging steps. He was making a wide arc in front of me.

"I came here because I thought there were other people here like me. But I don't think they are here anymore. But then I came across something interesting - disgusting, but interesting. So I went looking for where it came from, or went- whatever. And it led me straight to you, but you weren't the one I was looking for, which means there's more than one of you."

He finished his slow circle and turned back towards me. "So, I'm sure you know what I am. What are you?"

"I'm going to be what kills you." And I pulled on every bit of power I could reach, and... nothing happened. Well, not nothing, I got light headed and stumbled, falling to my hands and knees.

The flamboyant vampire giggled and leaned over to whisper in my ear, "Oh, really? You've got me scared stiff." He took a breath and shuddered before standing up. "God, you stink. Anyway, I left a little midnight snacky-poo up the mountain a ways. I'm going to go nosh on him, and then I'll deal with you. Don't go anywhere while I'm gone!" He smiled over his shoulder at me and pranced away into the night.

He hadn't been hunting me, he was hunting Carson. It took every bit of strength I had to stand up. I stumbled forward, going from tree to tree, using them as crutches. And then it hit me: an influx of energy so powerful that it brought me to my toes. I grunted at the sensation. In that moment, I was healed and made whole. I ran, at my old speed after the scent of the vampire. He would not hurt what was mine.


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N: "Caves" is by Jack's Mannequin. There is a line from this song that inspired this chapter: "I fought a war to walk a gang plank." I think that one line speaks volumes. Look for a variation of it in this chapter. _If these two aren't careful, Carson's poor hollowed-out heart is going to cave in. _**

**I may have said this before, but just in case, the songs that represent each chapter ooze with foreshadowing, and this one isn't an exception to that rule. C:**

I don't own Twilight.

* * *

Caves

"I know, you're sorry. You just don't want to be with me forever." My words were hurtful, yes. But I was hurting, and pain breeds pain.

She had found the ring. And she couldn't deal with what it represented.

"I'll be back in the morning."

I looked into her confused eyes, and saw her broken heart. It almost swayed my decision, but ultimately I left it up to her. And she let me walk away. When I needed the most validation and reassurance, she just stood there and watched me walk away. My two halves were at war. I thought that we needed the time apart to think, but I felt in my heart that the time would be absolutely detrimental. In the end, logic and an injured pride made my decision.

I just wanted her to run across the yard and tell me she loved me. I had been waiting for months for just that: a sign. I knew she had it in her, but she just didn't realize it. She could say that she loved me, but at the passing mention of a commitment, she would turn tail and run.

_What was so wrong with a promise?_ I just wanted to know that she could love me, and be with only me, because I knew I would only ever love her. _What was so damn hard about that?_

Instead, she resorted to harebrained ideas about being a werewolf as an attempt to scare me away. _I guess it's working,_ I thought with a pang of guilt.

The hike up to my campsite from Outpost was about 4 miles. I sadly walked with a heavy heart. But then I started going over all the things Leah had said in my head. By the end of the hike, I was entirely indignant. Walking with anger in the soles of my feet, I made it much faster than normal.

I had climbed the mountain of her issues, for her to push me off a cliff.

When I made it to the site, I ended up throwing my things around and pacing for half an hour before I could even focus on arranging everything was situated where I wanted it, I sat down and took in the view. It was my second favorite in Siwash; my first was the sunset between the hills that I had shown Leah on her first kayak trip. Nothing could or would ever compare to that sunset, though its connection to that memory may have some effect on how it ranked with other Siwash sights.

My perch was at the mouth of a small cave that overlooked the valley. At one point, it may have been a bear cave, but bears hadn't been spotted near Siwash in years.

The view was amazing, though it had little effect on me this day. I could see the miniature cottages dotting the landscape, the oblong lakes near the Lodge and Outpost. There were more shades of green than my eyes could decipher. The mid-June colors were so vibrant and warm, but that warmth did not extend to me. I felt more alone than I had ever before.

Other than myself, only Nox had ever seen this view, as far as I knew. It wasn't a spoken agreement that we wouldn't bring other people here. I had just never gotten around to bringing Leah here, and Oliva wasn't much of a hiker. Truth be told, she wasn't much for being out-of-doors, but she stayed for Nox. They were so in love.

Olivia had made a great sacrifice to be with Nox, but it was so evident that Siwash was where Nox belonged. Olivia had adapted and made Siwash her home because Nox was here. How could I ask Leah to marry me and settle herself, when I was not remotely as dedicated to Siwash as Nox was? Siwash had made me into a better man, but it was not my passion. To the best of my knowledge, I didn't have one. The only thing I had ever been passionate about was... her.

I looked out over the expanse of land below me. _I want to wake up to a view like this every day_, I thought to myself. _I want to live on top of a mountain, maybe not this mountain, but some mountain._ I wanted to live where the horizon wrapped around me like water at the tip of a peninsula. I wanted to always be within an arm's reach of the sky. But it would be worthless without someone to share it with. I had been alone too long, and I wanted to share everything with Leah from that point forward.

I took a deep breath and rubbed my eyes. They ached from the crease in my forehead that I was sure had been present since the beginning of my hike. I realized there was a large storm cloud coming in. I would have the perfect view to watch the cumulonimbus clouds form and advance, but I was also partially exposed to the storm. I shouldn't have gone out on my own, but I felt vulnerable in Leah's presence. And without her in the growing dark, anticipating the great storm, I felt more vulnerable still.

I reached for my pack, and almost immediately re-doubled the regret of my rash decision to run off into the woods. I hadn't packed any food. I hoped there would be a forgotten granola bar in the bottom of my knapsack from my last trip with Nox, but of course there wasn't. I had everything to prepare food, but no actual food. On top of that, there were a few tools, some matches, a solar blanket, a first aid kit, and Nox's Irish Whiskey.

I held the deep green bottle and examined the label. I didn't drink often, and I didn't drink when upset, but walking out on Leah seemed like as good of an excuse as any. I took a long pull from the bottle as the toxin burned my throat and nose.

Nox called this place South of Heaven. I wasn't sure how much stock I put in Heaven and Hell, being a man of science. The idea of God was not one I could come to terms with.

Though, as a man of science, and a _recovering_ introverted hoser, I could admit to many-a conversations on the subjects of werewolves, aliens, other dimensions... even vampires. There were all kinds of supernatural things that at least had theories and explanations behind their existence. Granted, comic books fueled most of those theories, but even so... The connection between her pet name and her claims were not beyond me. Hearing the nickname everyday would have ingrained the connection in her mind. _She's playing on my weakness for comic books, that has to be it,_ I thought, because there was a tiny part of me that just wanted to believe her. I wanted to believe that she either was a werewolf or was delusional, because both of those scenarios meant that she really did love me. _And who's the crazy one in this situation?_ I took a few more large gulps of whiskey in response.

But what did it all really matter? I had always loved Naika Leloo. I had an engagement ring for her. That meant that I would love her in sickness and in health, good times and bad, through joy, sorrow, and all that. And that was the truth. I chastised myself for running away when I should have been fighting for her. I should have paid better attention to my heart, and less to my other instincts telling me to run. She needed me, and I was off pouting in a cave.

I took another courage-infused drink of the caramel-colored liquor and stood up. As I did, I realized that it was nearly dark and that it was raining over the ranch, but I wasn't going to let that stop me. I needed to get back to Outpost before Leah closed herself off from me.

I gathered my sleeping bag, returned it to my knapsack, and stepped out of the cave.

Within a hundred paces, I reached the line of trees. I walked a few minutes before the rain caught up to me. The canopy of evergreens above me provided little shelter.

After about a quarter mile, I stumbled upon a man, drenched and teeth chattering, leaning against a log in the middle of the path. I immediately ran over to help.

"Sir, are you alright?" I pulled my extra shirt out of my bag and threw it over his shoulders. When I helped him up, I could feel the chill through his clothes.

Through his chattering teeth I heard, "Lost. Separated from my group. Couldn't find shelter."

I knew my only option was to take him back to the cave for the night. If I were to try to walk him back to the ranch, he was guaranteed to end up with pneumonia. I threw an arm around his shoulders and began walking him back up the last bit of hill.

We made it to the cave without any major problems. I sat him down near the rear and wrapped my sleeping blanket around his shoulders. I feared letting him doze off-in his condition, it could allow him to slip into shock-so I started to ask him some questions to keep him awake.

"So what's your name?" I couldn't really get a good look at him, but he looked death-bed pale. Getting stuck out in the rain could get you sick, but he shouldn't have looked _that_ sick.

"Jamie," he said around a sniffle. "Yours?"

"I'm Carson. Are you a guest at the ranch?" If he wasn't, he was a long way from home.

"Yeah. I checked in today." That threw up a red flare, not a huge one, but it was something to take note of. I knew when groups were scheduled to check in, and there wasn't one on the books for that morning.

"Who checked you in?" It was ridiculous to be suspicious of a man I just picked up off the ground, in the rain, but all of a sudden I had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I could see the reflection of his eyes in the moonlight from the mouth of the cave. They darted around, searching for an answer to my question. "I think her name was Leah. Do you know her?"

So he had been at the ranch, and Leah had been down at the lodge. I wondered if she was alright. I hated myself for leaving her alone in the cabin. I mostly hoped that if she checked in Jamie's group, that meant she was staying in the staff cabin. But there was a tiny, selfish part of me that hoped she didn't. I wished I was curled up in bed with her at this very moment. I felt hollow without her, as hollow as the cave I was sentenced to for the next twelve hours.

"She's my girlfriend."

I must have answered his question in some sort of tone, because he asked about it. "Is everything alright? Why are you up here if she is down there?"

"I'm not entirely sure." And for a moment, I wasn't. I looked down into my hands and rubbed them together. I gave it another moment's thought and attempted to put it into words. "I think that we need to draw the lines between the people we are and the people we present ourselves to be."

_Why am I sharing this with a complete stranger? He doesn't need to know anything about me, and he definitely doesn't need to know anything about Leah._ I ran a hand through my hair and looked up to gauge the stranger's reaction to my admission, but he was no longer sitting in the back of the cave.

I started to get up, to see if he had fallen over, or passed out, when I heard him speak.

"I just don't think you're going to get a chance to do that."


	24. Chapter 24

**A/N: "Happy Ending" is by Mika. I've used him before, the Lebanese Londonian. Also for this chapter, I recommend "Teeth" by Lady Gaga. I understand that she is well outside my realm of usual recs. Even if you don't listen to Teeth, Happy Ending is a must. It can change the way you look at a relationship.**

**I do not own Twilight.**

**I am posting chapters 24 and 25 simultaneously. **

* * *

Happy Ending

I ran at top speed. Not my top human speed, my old wolf speed. I didn't risk phasing; I didn't want whatever had brought me to my knees to happen again. I didn't know what brought on the massive surge of energy, but I was grateful for it.

I had the scents of both the vampire and Carson fresh in my nose and I was unsure as to which pushed me further.

When I found the cave where the vampire was holding Carson captive, I tried to stay down wind until I could assess the situation. They must have been in the back of the cave, because I could only hear mumbles until I was nearly inside.

"...we need to draw the lines between the people we are and the people we present ourselves to be."

While touching, why exactly was Carson spilling his guts to the monster that wanted to _eat him?_

"I just don't think you're going to get a chance to do that."

Carson might have overlooked the menace in the vamp's voice, but I sure as shit didn't. I bolted into the cave and made my presence known. "Don't you touch him," I bellowed.

"Now, I thought I told you to stay where I left you."

Carson rose, and I held out a hand in an attempt to keep him to the side of the cave. "Leah, what are you doing here?"

Even when I spoke to Carson, my eyes were glued to the vampire, the threat. "I'm saving you, the moron savant. How exactly did you end up in a cave with a vampire?" The whole time, I was circling slowly, trying to angle myself in front of Carson. "You know what? Don't answer that, just leave. Run back to the ranch and stay in the _staff_ cabin." My mind was racing, thinking of the best way to get Carson out of the situation alive. "If I'm not back by morning, tell everyone I left."

"I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what's happening," Carson demanded.

I knew he wouldn't immediately agree, but it still set my fists shaking. I locked my jaw and spoke through gritted teeth. The vampire still had his eyes trained on me, a sneer plastered on his frozen face.

"What's happening is I'm a..."

I paused, I didn't know how much the blood sucker knew or how much Carson had told him. I didn't want to give away the element of surprise if I still had it.

"Remember what we talked about earlier? I'm really one of those. And this is a vampire. Who is being awfully quiet." I addressed the bloodsucker, "What's up, leech? Why the silent treatment, all of a sudden? You seemed so talkative in the woods."

"Yes, and I asked you so nicely to wait until I came back to deal with you." He placed a dainty hand on an overly extended hip and topped it off with an innocent smile. There was a threat in that smile; I was sure Carson didn't truly understand it.

"Didn't we cover this already? You did, but I didn't." I took another step towards the vampire, this one deliberate, and plated my feet, preparing for anything. I tried to put all the menace I could into my next words. "He is mine, and you can't have him. End of story. You can leave now, before I have to kill you."

"Sweetie, I don't care what you are, I really don't think that's going to happen." His innocent smile changed to more of a sneer as his words rolled off his tongue, and it turned my stomach. He took a step closer to Carson, and so did I.

"Sit," the leech instructed Carson, and he didn't flinch. _He must finally be catching on._ But then quick as lightning, the vampire shot to Carson's side and I saw he had a firm grasp on his shoulder. I tried to reach for Carson, but it was too late.

"I said, SIT." He squeezed Carson's shoulder and pushed him violently down to the cave floor.

I hated that I hadn't stopped it from happening, but in the grand scheme of things, a little shove wasn't so bad. But what happened next nearly brought me to my knees. The vampire looked me straight in the eye and said, "Stay," with a sneer of a smile. He then proceeded to stomp his bare foot down on Carson's thigh. I could hear the bones shatter. Carson screamed out, but after a second he gritted his teeth, breathing hard, trying to hide the pain. I hadn't stayed where the vampire had wanted me to, so he made sure that Carson didn't have a choice but to stay.

The monster had control issues. So did I. My whole upper body was shaking, but I had to get the vampire out of the cave before I could phase. I wasn't sure if there was enough room inside the cave for me to change, much less an actual fight. An all-out fight would certainly mean death for Carson.

The parasite knelt down and ran his index finger along Carson's jaw. In a much sweeter voice, he whispered, "I'll be back for you."

"Don't touch him," I repeated through a clenched jaw.

The vampire tore his loving gaze from Carson and looked back at me with vicious, wild eyes. He stood up and stepped over Carson's legs. When he was right in front of me, he asked, "Why don't we take this outside?" _Perfect._

"After you."

The bloodsucker cockily walked out of the mouth of the cave and down the hill. Without fully turning my back to the opening, I looked at Carson. He had a thousand questions in his eyes, and I couldn't answer a single one of them.

"If you can get out, do it."

"I can't," he gasped. He was holding tightly to his leg. I couldn't imagine the pain.

I glanced towards the opening of the cave and back toward Carson. My time was ticking away. "Do you have anything to make a fire?" He nodded; sweat was beading on his forehead. "Good. I hope I need it." I started walking towards the hillside, towards my first one-on-one fight with a vampire. I stripped off my rain slicker and tossed it to the ground.

"I love you, Leloo," I heard Carson call from behind me.

I chanced one last glance back at him. He had an apology written on his face, but I wasn't ready to accept it, because I wasn't ready to give mine. "I love you, too," was all I had to offer.

When I walked out of the cave, I could see the vampire standing below me, before the line of trees. He had complete faith in his ability to kill me; he had given me the upper-ground.

I had only a few tools in my arsenal, confusion was the most accessible. I started to strip out of my clothes as I walked down the hill. The cool rain drops felt good on my skin. They calmed me, gave me a level head in preparation for what I had to do next.

The striptease must have been working. By the time I reached back to unhook my bra, the vamp was all but twitching, quite an accomplishment for a stone demon.

"That's not how this works," he was quick to point out.

"I know. But I really like that shirt. I'd hate to get it dirty." The fact that it was probably lying in a puddle of mud? _Not important._

The important part was that my "fight tactics" seemed to confuse the crap out of the bloodsucker. He turned the corner of his lips down and raised one eyebrow in disgust. When he crossed his arms, I thought, _This is my chance. _

I slid my shorts down and ran for it. I ran straight for the vampire at full speed. I pulled on the mantle as hard as I could and called upon my other self. She slid easily into me, or maybe I slid easily into her. I didn't know, but we were one again. The gray wolf I had hidden from the

I barreled into the vampire, digging my claws into his chest, though I found little purchase in the pouring rain. We rolled well into the line of trees, and when we stopped, he found his balance first and threw me into the nearest sapling. I heard two distinctive snaps. One was the trunk of the young tree, and the other was my hip dislocating. I was aware that it happened, but would deal with the pain later.

I hopped up, keeping most of the weight off my hind left leg. My lips curled up in a snarl I had been holding in since the realization that he was a vampire. He hissed back at me and we started to circle.

"So this is what you didn't want me to know? I'll still kill you, and _then_ I'll have your _Carson_ to myself."

I hated to hear Carson's name on his lips. It brought forth another snarl.

"That's your trigger isn't it?" he asked with a fiendish laugh. "Carson. _Carson_. CARSON!"

I couldn't take it anymore. I ran for him. But he knew that's what I would do.

Just as I lunged for his chest, he easily swatted me away like a bothersome fly. That time I hit a much larger tree and cracked at least one rib. It was difficult to breathe when I stood back up. It wasn't the vampire that had underestimated the wolf.

I let him circle around me. I rotated instead of circling in time with him. After a few seconds, he charged me. I gathered up my strength to attack, to rip with my jaws, but he ducked me, picked me up, and slammed me into an outcropping of rock, cracking another two ribs.

He let me fall to the ground in a heap. I could barely breathe, only wheeze. Each inhale was a battle. I waited for him to kill me in my vulnerable state, but he didn't. I lifted my head but I couldn't see him anywhere. _Carson. _

I pulled myself up, using every bit of strength I had. He had left me for dead. I couldn't do the same to Carson. I had to save him.

Each step grew easier and easier. Before long I could sprint, then run. I was numb to the pain, or maybe there was no pain, only adrenaline.

I ran into the cave. The leech was kneeling down between the entrance and Carson. I let my wolf take over, like she had before I moved into Siwash. I let out a mammoth roar and grabbed the bloodsucker by his torso, crushing his midsection in the process.

I pulled him from the cave and took great pleasure in dismembering him. His head was first to go. I plucked it like a grape, and gritted my teeth around it, grinding the stone to rubble. Next were his arms and legs, his torso was obliterated from my first attack.

I left his members scattered around the grassy clearing. I needed to check on Carson's leg.

I shook out my fur, water droplets flying, as thunder clapped above the mountain. I called my two-footed self back to the surface. She filled me like a breath of cold air, and the wolf fell away like a warm bath. I was left standing alone in the middle of the night, sweating, panting, and naked.

I ran for my discarded shirt and shorts, compiling them into a soggy bundle. The run up to the cave was rough the third time around. My hip was back in place though extremely sore, and I could feel the cracks in my ribs, but I was still running on adrenaline.

I bolted into the cave and skidded to a stop on my knees at Carson's side. He was out cold; the pain from his thigh must have been too much to bear. I placed gentle hands on his cheeks and forehead. He was drenched in a cold sweat.

"Carson," I sniffled. "Wake up. Please, wake up." I slapped lightly at his cheeks, on the verge of tears.

His head shook groggily before he leaned into my touch. "Leloo," he whispered, his eyes still closed. I smiled.

"I'm right here," I answered. His eyes fluttered open for just a moment. He reached his hand over to me, and then I saw it. The tears I had been on the edge of crying fell freely. There was a large piece of his hand missing. I must have done it when I pulled the vampire from the cave.

I steadied myself before I said anything. "Carson, did he bite you?"

I waited with bile rising in my stomach. "Yes," he whispered, and my whole world stopped. It was all I could to keep from sobbing over his next words. "But it's okay. I got kinda drunk, so it doesn't hurt. I'll be fine."

I took his hand in mine. The bite was taken out of the fatty part of his palm, like the vampire had bent to kiss his hand. I wanted to kiss it myself, kiss it to make it better, but I couldn't even do that. The venom was poisonous to me.

I inched closer to him and held his head in my lap. I ran my fingers through his beautiful hair for what I knew would be the last time. I had no idea how to handle this situation: what to do with his body while he was transitioning, what to tell Nox about why Carson was missing, what to tell his parents...

How to exist without him.

Just days before, Carlisle explained to me that I couldn't be around vampires if I was going to live my life as a human. Regret overwhelmed me for all of my mistakes and bad choices. I tried to hold in my cries, but between the adrenaline and the regret, a single sob escaped my chest.

His eyes opened, just slits, and he whispered, "Don't cry," as he gently stroked my cheek with his intact hand. I tried to tell him that I wouldn't, but my lips wouldn't open, only quiver. "I love you, Leloo."

"I love you, too."

He didn't say anything after that, but I didn't expect him to. I had seen Bella's crossing through Jacob's mind, and it was similar to this. Though Jacob had said that her transformation had been abnormal. _Maybe something's wrong._ Doubt filled my mind, and then I saw the bottle of whiskey; he really was drunk. I hoped it would ease his pain.

As he slowly slipped away from me, I told him the story of us that he never knew. It was only fair. After a year of never really knowing all the intricacies of me, he should get to know all of the things I had kept from him.

I told him how I had come to be at Siwash, I explained my late night "walks" when I first moved to the ranch, and how I later used Tenas to cope with not phasing. I told him about the day that I helped him to fix the fence. I walked him through it step by step from smelling his shampoo, to phasing in the woods, to hating myself for being too weak to tell him no. I ran my fingers though his sweaty hair and told him how I could always tell when he was upset because that was when he would worry with his hair the most, and it would give off more of his Johnson & Johnson scent than usual.

When I ran out of our funny anecdotes to avoid the end of our story, I told him about why all of the Cullens had come to Siwash. Alice and Carlisle's predictions and what it could have meant for us. I explained that, earlier when he walked away, I had been trying to tell him that I wanted to be with him forever.

I hoped I didn't leave anything out, and I apologized at every fork in the road I had made where I had chosen poorly. It left me sobbing and nearly incoherent by the end, but it was only fair.

What ever happened to "...and they both lived happily ever after"?

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**Have faith.**


	25. Chapter 25

**STOP! THIS CHAPTER WAS POSTED AT THE SAME TIME AS CH24. PLEASE READ CH24 FIRST!**

**A/N: Thank you for trusting me. This chapter is JACOB'S POV. **

**"Let Her Cry" is by the amazingly talented Hootie and the Blowfish. The meaning of the song is certainly not a match, but the words and the emotion are spot on for this chapter and for Jacob and Leah's relationship.**

**I do not own Twilight**

* * *

Let Her Cry

"Faster. Drive faster," I begged Seth. He wouldn't be driving my Bluesport if it wasn't an emergency, especially not in the rain, but I couldn't drive with my head between my knees. I was dizzy, disoriented. Vertigo. My eyes couldn't focus on the dash, much less the road whipping past.

My phone rang. I hoped it would be Alice. She had called me earlier to tell me that there was a vampire at Leah's ranch. I had tried calling Leah to warn her, but she didn't answer. According to Alice, she was just standing on her porch. I didn't know what else to do but to back her up. Seth and I headed out immediately, but within minutes of getting off the ferry in Tsawwassen, I couldn't see the road ahead of me and had to let Seth drive.

The phone rang again, and I didn't move to pick it up.

"Yeah?" Seth answered the phone. "I'm not sure he can talk right now. O-Okay" He handed the phone down to me. "It's Alice," he whispered. "We're about an hour and a half out."

I pinned the phone between my ear and my knee. "What?" I croaked.

"I don't know if this is good news or bad news, but a few minutes ago, Carson's future started flickering between becoming a vampire and dying at the hands of a vampire. Then they both disappeared."

"Well that's a good thing," I decided. "That means Leah's not just standing around her cabin." I relaxed a little and took a few deep breaths. I felt some of the tension release in my back and the nausea eased. I instantly assumed the vertigo was brought on by anxiety, fearing Leah would be caught unprepared.

I sat back up, gained my bearings, and ran my fingers through my tangled hair. The lower half of my body was numb from sitting in such an awkward position for so long.

"I'm not placing bets on it yet. Jasper and I are flying back out now. If it turns out that he is fine, then no harm done. But if he's not..." She paused and took an unnecessary breath. "Well, we'll deal with that when we get there. Carlisle and Esme are flying ahead to a safe house, just in case."

The numbness was wearing off, but there was still a tingling in my lower back. It was different from before, but it didn't take me long to connect the sensation. Leah was trying to pull the Mantle back. It felt like the space between my lower back was stretching, so I stretched with it. I handed the phone back to Seth and out of the corner of my eye, I saw him hang up on Alice. I threw my arms over my head and behind the headrest. I curved my back and a shiver when down my spine.

After the worst was over, I grunted, "We shouldn't have left her there."

Seth's eyes bugged and he gunned the gas.

Just past midnight, as we were pulling down the drive to Siwash, Alice called again. This time, I was able to answer.

"We're here. Is there any change?"

Her voice wavered, and my hopes that the trip was a rescue and not recovery shattered.

"Carson is changing. The vampire is no more. Of course, I can't see Leah anymore, but I would wager a guess that she is alive. If not, Carson would be dead or the vampire would be alive. She is alive, but she is not okay. See you in about ten hours, good luck."

She disconnected and I wanted to scream that she hadn't seen this sooner. That she couldn't be here faster. That she couldn't give me more than a good luck. But I took a deep breath instead and reminded myself that it wasn't fair to take any of this out on Alice, of all people.

"Wait." I held my hand out to Seth before he passed through the entrance to the ranch. I motioned to the side of the road, well before the mock gates. "Pull over here. We've got to go the rest of the way on foot. I guess you heard all of that?" He nodded. "No one can know we were here. I want to have as much of this as possible taken care of before Alice gets here to take Carson away. We have to make it look like an animal attack."

Seth slammed the car into park and turned in the seat to look at me. "Didn't you hear her? Leah might _not_ be okay," he yelled at me, solidifying my decision to assess the situation without him. He couldn't keep a level head. "You're more concerned about people finding out about us and the vampires than about making sure she's okay! I can't believe you."

He unfolded himself from the car and started running north. I ran after him, grabbing him by the arm. "Hey," I said. It was halfway between a yell and a whisper; the woods echoed. "She's fine."

"How do you know?" he demanded

"Because I can... feel her." I had to search for the right words but I couldn't find any that exactly fit. "Don't ask me to describe it, but I know she's okay." Seth pulled his arm from my grasp and paced in a small circle.

"So what do we do?"

It didn't take long for the plan to form in my mind. "Stick to the edge of the woods and get to Leah's cabin. Get anything you think could help: a first aid kit, stuff to make a fire, Carson's Jeep if it's there. It will make moving him easier. Then head North as far up the mountain as you can. I think they are somewhere on the crest that overlooks the valley. I'm going to phase and go ahead of you."

Seth shook his head, possibly in disbelief since his eyes were shut and his eye brows were raised. "Okay."

After he ran off, I tied my clothes to my ankle and phased. What before was a growing hunch, turned into a compass than pinpointed Leah's position. I could see Seth, too. I knew that he was at my Three, running swiftly.

I took off myself and almost instantly picked up the unfamiliar vampire's scent. It was all over the scent trails that the Cullens, Seth, and I had left just a couple of days before. During the drive, the rain had tapered off, but it still trickled down through the trees. Even with this much water, the sticky-sweet scent of vampire clung to the bark. None of us had smelled him on our previous trip, so I assumed that he started scouting the place out after we all left.

It didn't take long to find ground zero, and following in the wake of destruction, I found a cave in the mountainside. I could hear Leah mumbling and sniffling from the back of the cave**.** I didn't bother with the pieces-parts of the vampire- they could be dealt with later. Leah was my priority. I phased and walked into the cave.

Leah was kneeling at the rear, facing the back wall of the cave. She was naked, dirty, and blood-spattered. I approached her slowly. A wounded wolf is a dangerous wolf, and Leah was hurt in every imaginable way.

She was still mumbling. Something about "I'm sorry," "I should have told you," and "Please, forgive me."

She was speaking into her lap where Carson was laying. I couldn't see his face, but I could see his hand as it rested gently in Leah's. It was bloody and a large piece of it was missing. It didn't take much to figure out what brought on his change.

I took another wary step towards her. "Leah," I announced myself.

She looked up from Carson's still form and over her scraped shoulder with tears in her eyes. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry"

I ran to her side and wrapped my arms tenderly around her. I couldn't tell what was hurt and what wasn't, and I didn't want to cause her any more pain. Normally she wouldn't have accepted this type of comfort from anyone, but she slumped backwards into my chest and sobbed. I hoped that I could help her carry this burden.

I ran a hand over her hair and shushed her. "This wasn't your fault, shh."

For a long time there were no more words between us, I just held her and let her cry. I ran my hands through her hair and rocked her like a child and she shed tears for the man she loved.

I could see her future lain out before her, but I knew she would fight it. This way she wouldn't have to split her two worlds, she could have them both. I knew deep down she didn't want to let go of her wolf. I had thought she would ride out her "normal life" for a few months or so and return to my pack, but Carson had thrown a monkey wrench into the whole situation.

Not that Carson was a bad thing, he was a blessing. He loved Leah, and she loved him. In the few, brief times I had met Carson, I could see that he loved Leah _bigger_ than her wolf. If he had known what she was, he wouldn't have wanted to deny her a part of herself. I knew that because as much as I valued Renesmee's humanity, she would not be the same without her vampire half. I knew with near certainty that he would have sought out a way for her to keep her wolf. There was no way for him to become a wolf, and he couldn't live forever with her if she continued to phase. I could just see him wanting to become a vampire to stay with her. It might be a stretch, but love makes otherwise sane people do some awfully crazy things.

I looked down at Carson and I was overwhelmed with pity. This way she could have her wolf and her mate as well, but she was so damn proud that she was probably sitting there mourning the one man that was absolutely perfect for her.

But she hadn't had the easy out like I had. I had imprinted. I didn't have to wrap my head around anything, it was an instant change from hating every single vampire, to making one the center of my whole existence. I hoped that she would figure everything out one day, but she was going to be stuck pointlessly mourning Carson until she could just accept her circumstances.

I took a deep breath and probed the dark cave floor for Leah's clothes. When I found them, they were cold and slightly damp, but Leah was back at a toasty 108 body temp; chilly clothes wouldn't be a bother.

However, she gasped when I pulled her arm for her shirt.

"What's wrong?" I asked in a whisper.

"I think I cracked a few ribs. Dislocated hip. But I don't need help with these" She gestured towards her clothes. Then she looked down at Carson and when she spoke again I wasn't sure if I was meant to hear. "I'll be fine."

I kissed the side of her head above her ear and slowly stood up. I could hear what I assumed to be the Jeep driving around below the cave, and I didn't want Seth to miss us.

"Who else is here?" Leah asked.

"Your brother."

"I don't want Seth to see me like this."

I couldn't help my frustrated sigh, but I would respect her wishes. "Okay. I'll have-" I couldn't finish my train of thought out loud, I knew it would be hurtful. "Okay." I turned to find Seth before it was too late.

Before I reached the mouth of the cave, I kicked a rattling lump. I reached down to investigate and realized it was a backpack. Within a few seconds, I found a flashlight and decided to use it to my advantage. I flashed it on and off towards the Jeep's headlights until they aimed back toward the cave.

I met the Jeep a good thirty feet away, hopefully far enough away that Leah wouldn't hear. Seth jumped out of the driver's seat and tried to run up the hill, but I threw up a hand to stop him.

"What's wrong? Is she okay?" Half of his face was lit up from the headlights, and I could see his eyes jumped back and forth in their glow.

"She's fine. Well, she's not fine. I think she's banged up worse than she lets on, but she's okay. She just..." _How to say this... You know what? Screw anybody's feelings but Leah's right now._ "She doesn't want you to see her right now. I need you to take care of what's left of the vampire" I pointed towards the opening in the trees, and I could see the muscles in Seth's neck tighten, but it didn't faze me. I was doing what had to be done. "I'll take Leah back to her cabin and I'll meet you back at the Bluesport with Carson. How did you get up here?"

Seth's jaw unclenched and he pointed back the way he came. "There isn't a direct route wide enough, but if you go back east about a half mile, you'll find a creek that you can drive through that takes you straight back to their cabin."

He turned towards the line of trees, and I called after him, "Thank you."

I ran my calloused hands over my tired face and walked back up towards the cave. But instead of finding Leah, I was greeted by a growling, small gray wolf.

I understood her reasons for phasing back. As a wolf, it was easier to deal. With everything. As soon as she realized it was me, and that I wasn't going to hurt Carson, she relaxed from her defensive stance and quit growling. She walked right out of the cave, and I just hoped that she didn't pull a disappearing act like I did, because one missing person was quite enough to explain.

I bent down to pick up Carson and realized I hadn't gotten a good look at him until that moment. Leah had been blocking my view. I took notice of how still he was and I remembered Bella's transformation. It had been eerily still too. Though, if I remembered correctly, the Cullens claimed that was out of the ordinary. They said she should have been screaming out in pain. I wondered what was wrong with Carson's change. I vaguely made note of a bottle of some sort of alcohol, but I didn't think that should have any effect on the transition. I would mention it to Carlisle none-the-less.

It was at the conclusion of that thought process that I noticed the tears. Two little tracks on either side of his face that ended in pools in his ears._ He must be conscious at some level if he's crying,_ I thought.

My conscience pushed me to assure him. "You'll be okay. I'm sure it hurts like something nasty, but it'll all be okay." And because I was sure he wasn't crying because of the pain, "She'll be okay, too," I whispered. I hoped I wasn't lying.

I peeled off Carson's sweat-soaked shirt and left it on the floor of the cave. After a moment's search, I found Leah's discarded clothes and tucked them under my arm. I picked Carson up, one arm beneath his knees and one under his shoulders, and carried him down the mountain to the Jeep. When I got there, Leah was stretched across the back seat, and I exhaled a sigh of relief. She didn't even look at me, she just left her nose wedged between her front paws.

I sat Carson in the front seat and buckled him in. The lack of doors was convenient.

I quickly found the creek that led to Outpost, and when we reached the cabin, it was difficult to even unbuckle knowing that soon I would be leaving Leah to fend for herself. I would have to position myself so that I could return quickly when everyone discovered that Carson was missing.

I looked into the backseat. "Come on. Let's go inside." The only response was a whine, but she stood up and jumped out the hole that, at other times, could have been a window.

She didn't look up at his face, but she licked the back of Carson's hand in goodbye.

I pushed open the front door to Outpost and Leah walked in before me. She led the way up to the bedroom where she laid down on the bed and buried her head into the pillows. I sat on the edge of the love seat with my arms resting over my knees. For a few minutes, I just let her lie there, but eventually we needed to nail down the plan.

"Leah."

No response. She just sat, half covered in blue-green plaid pillows.

"Leah," I said with a little more force.

She replied with a low growl.

I had just let her cry in the cave, and I had let her spend the last hour as a wolf so that she could deal with her emotions in her own way. I had always let Leah make her own choices, but I couldn't let her ignore the situation at hand.

I stood up to put emphasis to my words instead of using my Alpha influence.

"Leah! I know you're upset, but dammit, we need to figure this out."

I put my hands on my hips and paced around the small room. When I looked back at the bed, she had repositioned so that she was curled in on herself, nose to tail, but she wasn't looking directly at me.

I took a deep breath and continued, assuming that the conversation would be one-sided.

"In the morning, get dressed, go down to work. Say that Carson camped for the night but that he should be back at any time. Most of that isn't a lie."

I wasn't good at planning and scheming. The vampires were good for that. Mostly, I was pacing, and stuttering, and running my hands through my hair. It felt so wrong to ask Leah to do all this without being here to help her.

"If you look upset, which I'm sure you will, just tell everybody you guys got in a fight... and that's why he was up there by his..." And then it hit me. She had been apologizing all night, to me and to Carson. She had said it was all her fault, but I had brushed it off as survivor's guilt. Nope, this was worse. I looked down at her and she had turned her face away from me.

"You did get in an argument. Didn't you?"

She turned her face back towards me and her eyes were impossibly sadder. She whined again and I took a stab in the dark at what they had argued over. "You finally told him?"

She closed her eyes and let out a heavy sigh; I took it as a yes. At least her guilt would be shared. I had pushed her to tell him for months. It was as much my fault as hers, but what was done was done. There was no use crying over spilled milk; all we could do was clean it up.

I knelt down next to the bed and placed a hand along her jaw. "I'm sorry. Um, tell everyone that you thought he was only going to be gone a couple of hours and that you were expecting him back last night and that when he wasn't back first thing in the morning you got spooked. You can fake a call to me and Seth and we can start the clock for when we can come back." I took a very necessary deep breath. I desperately didn't want to say my next words. "At some point, when he doesn't come back, there's going to be a search party."

She lifted her head off the quilt and nodded once. She understood what that would mean, probably more than I did after living on a ranch for a year and a half.

"We'll be back. Take care, Leah."

I turned around and walked out of the cabin. On the way out I noticed that it was just after two in the morning. Alice and Jasper would be in Kamloops in eight hours. What the heck was I supposed to do with a body in my car until then?

I picked Carson up out of the Jeep and turned to run into the woods, but I stopped when I saw Seth leaning against a tree trunk.

"Hey, did you get everything taken care of?" I asked.

His arms were crossed over his chest "Yeah."

"The fire's put out?"

"Yeah."

I wasn't sure why he was being so stern-faced, but it could be dealt with in the car. "Well, okay. Let's get Carson down to the car."

"The Bluesport?" he asked with an eyebrow raised.

"Yeah."

"It's a two-seater car, Jake. Were you planning on having one of us run the entire way to Kamloops? I'm staying here with Leah. I think I might even stay part of the summer with her. She'll need someone here to take care of her."

If I hadn't been holding Carson, I would have hung my head or put my hands on my hips in frustration. As it was, I just sighed. "Is that the only reason?"

He shoved off of the tree and uncrossed his arms. "It doesn't help that you're starting to act like Sam. If I'm here with her then she doesn't have to be around you and she doesn't have to go live with Mom and have everyone at home pity her, including Sam. And when he wakes up," he pointed toward Carson, "it won't be safe for any of us- you, me, her, _Renesmee- _to be around him. So, for now it's just best for me to stay here for a while."

Without another word he stalked off in the direction of Leah's front door, and I walked towards the entrance of the ranch.

I hadn't thought about the fact that in a little under three days, Carson would be a newborn. I had seen newborns. I had fought newborns. I couldn't let Renesmee around Carson any time in the near future, but if only Esme and Carlisle were going ahead to the safe house, the vamps must have already thought about that.

Our family was splitting up. Leah and Seth were staying in Siwash. Rosalie and Emmett were off, God only knows where, on their ump-teenth honeymoon of the century. Alice and Jasper were, literally and figuratively, up in the air. I had no idea where they would end up. I was getting ready to ship Carson off to Esme and Carlisle's care, but I still hadn't taken the time to ask where that would be. I knew Esme had been doing research for the next family home, but I hadn't taken enough interest in her search to find out where it would be.

I didn't have a choice in the matter, but that was okay. I was going back to New Hampshire to live with what appeared to be the perfect loving, teenage couple and, depending on the day, either his or her little sister. Renesmee appeared to be about ten, but she was light years ahead of me in her education. I had grown to love them all, and most days, I thought they loved me too.

Looking back, Seth might have been right. From his perspective, I did probably look a lot like Sam. Maybe some time without a half a dozen extra vampires running around New Hampshire, with less distractions, I could get back to my old self.

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**Have faith.**


	26. Chapter 26

**A/N: PLEASE READ! The format for the next 5 chapters (time span: 10 months) is a little different from the last chapters so the A/N's will be important!**

**I would have put these notes throughout the chapter, but I didn't want to break up the flow.  
There are 4 parts to this chapter. **

**-The first is Leah POV "Call Your Name" is by Daughtry  
-The second is Leah POV that is a flashback. (Remember those 6 missing months when Carson and Leah are getting to know each other? tehe!) "Moments With You" is by Gran Torino  
-The third part is Carson POV "Creature Fear" is by Bon Iver, but of course all you Twilophiles already knew that...  
-The last section is a letter, written by Carson. "Still Around" is by 3OH!3**

**I don't own any of this, but I did spot Asian-Carson at Sam's club the other day! He had 4 adorbs kids - awww! And a wife - sorry, ladies.**

**Thanks for the PM's and such, yes I'm alive... my RL just sucks hardcore... (It's fascinating how art imitates life)**

* * *

Call Your Name

That first night, Seth and I shared a bed, like we were kids again. He leaned against the headboard, and I, in my wolf form, laid across his lap. At first, I wasn't happy to see him, but by morning, I was glad not to be alone.

At sunrise, I phased, showered, and dressed. My eyes were swollen nearly shut by the time I looked at myself in the mirror, but my ribs and hip felt nearly healed.

I left Seth in the cabin and walked all the way down to the lodge. I didn't want to take the Jeep. I reminded myself with each step that I would have to tell the lie to every person I saw.

_We got in a fight and he left._

I unlocked the door to the Lodge and flipped the row of light switches.

_I thought he would be back last night, I'm really worried about him._

I powered up my computer.

_We got in a fight and he left._

The door opened and Jillian walked in. I scrambled with a bunch of papers lying on the desk to try and look busy, but that was wrong.

"Hey girl! I saw you walk down. How was your day off with Carson?"

Without even looking, I knew her eyebrows were bouncing up and down.

_The lie,_ I reminded myself. "It was great." I said, and immediately regretted it. _Wrong lie._

She squatted down next to my desk, no doubt wanting details that didn't exist. I looked over to her and she gasped. Her hands were almost immediately on my cheeks.

"Oh, baby. What happened?"

I was instantly sobbing again. "We-we got in a fight." I cry-stuttered like a teenage girl, and the lies just poured out. I girl-blubbered, but maybe that's what I needed. Or maybe I thought if I repeated the lie enough, it would be true. "We argued and he le-left. He wuh-wuh-went hiking, but he said he would-d be buh-back before dark," I sniffled.

"Did he take a walkie or a phone with him?" Her eyes were serious and determined. I shrugged my shoulders and shook my head in reply. I honestly didn't know.

"Okay," Jillian replied, wiping my tears. "If he isn't back by noon, we'll go and look for him. Deal?" I sniffled and nodded. "Don't get too worried. I'm sure he'll turn up; he knows these hills better than any of us."

I didn't get too worried, but of course everyone mistook my sad eyes for scared ones. I sat like a statue in my desk chair while the world buzzed around me. Eventually, Jacob returned and Seth pretended to be with him. They hung back and let Luke and Jillian head up the search party. We could only get in a few hours before dark, and according to Jillian, if we didn't find him we would start again in the morning. I could see my life stretch out before me, never-ending, pointless search parties for a man that couldn't be found.

We set out at the line of trees above Outpost. Each person a dozen or so feet apart, except for my brother, who kept his arm wrapped around my shoulders.

They called his name over and over and each echo was a blow to my resolve. Each refrain represented an opportunity I had missed to tell him my secret. An opportunity that could have allowed us to avoid all of this.

I fought back sobs as my friends looked at me with pity in their eyes. All except for Jillian, she still had hope.

I called his name. I called for him like I was drowning and calling for a life saver.

"Carson! Carson!"

He had saved me from the downward spiral I had been in after Sam. He had been my life saver over and over and I killed him.

Eventually, my voice started to break, and the best I could do was whisper his name in apology. I knew he couldn't hear me, and I knew he never would again, but it was the best I could do.

After nearly four hours of wandering over the spongy earth, Jillian called that we should turn around and head back for the night. Though, just as Seth pointed me back down the mountain, we heard Levi call out.

"Hey! I think I found something!"

Seth stiffened and my stomach rolled.

"It's a lantern, and here's a shovel." Levi proceeded to follow a trail of destruction up to the cave.

I spun into my brothers arms and he whispered in my ear for me to be strong.

"Everything's going to be okay," he murmured. It felt wrong to have anyone but Carson comforting me, but I didn't stop him. I couldn't.

Seth pulled my head to his shoulder and covered my face with his hand, like he was protecting me from something. I knew it was weak of me, but I wanted him to shield me. I knew, for the act, I should have run up to the cave, but I just didn't have it in me.

Silence fell over the group. I assumed they wouldn't find anything and would therefore need to continue the search. Silence confused me. I pulled away from Seth and saw Jillian walking down the hillside toward me. When she reached me, she handed me a small blue bundle, cerulean blue in fact. I unfolded it, knowing good and well that it was his shirt.

I had seen the shirt not twenty-four hours earlier, but seeing it limp in my hands was completely different. It brought me to my knees, and both Jillian and Seth fell to my sides. I cried, hugging his shirt to my chest.

* * *

Moments With You

"Cultus Lemolo Cayoosh."

I jumped and the brown horse bristled before walking a few feet away.

"What'dja do that for?" I demanded, and turned to face the offending outburst.

I saw Carson standing a few feet behind me, hands on his hips, smiling.

"She's the only one that let's me get anywhere near her and you go and scare her off!" My hands were shaking, which might have sounded unreasonable, but I had been trying to get near this horse, Tenas they called her, for nearly an hour. She was so smart. She knew I was coming near her, and she didn't care. She had walked up to me a dozen times before, but as soon as I walked within an arm's reach of her, she would skitter off and prance in a dainty little circle.

Carson just laughed.

"Nyahh!" I grunted in frustration.

I huffed out my pent up anger and stomped over to Tenas. I didn't realize I had walked up to her until my fingers were threaded in her mane. I stood there in shock for a moment before I turned around to see Carson walking back toward the stables. After a moment he turned back to me and smiled. He made a small wave before running his fingers through his hair and turning back to the stables.

After a moment, Tenas lost interest in my attention and ran off in the direction of the lake. I watched how the muscles in her legs gracefully moved together, and I couldn't wait until my run later that night.

With a sigh, I turned away from Tenas and started walking back to the stables. I wasn't surprised to find Carson there. He made good company, when he wasn't annoying the crap out of me, which was less often than most of the other occupants of Siwash. Luke, for example... I wanted to eat his face almost every second of the day. And not in a cute, baby, _Aww you're soo cute, I could just eat you up!_ kind of way.

Carson was different. I could handle being in the same room with him for longer than twenty minutes, if necessary. It helped that he wasn't a moron.

Carson was brushing out one of the older horses at the far end of the barn, so I started shoveling crap at the near end. About half way through, I realized that I wasn't the only one shoveling. Two stalls over, Carson, shovel in hand, was cleaning along with me.

"Hey! What'cha up to over there?" I called.

"What does it look like I'm up to? I'm helping you clean out the stables," Carson replied.

I stood up straight, and looked through the slats of the stalls. "Why are you doing that?"

Carson walked into the stall next to mine and answered, "Because everybody needs a break every once in a while, Cheechako." He followed it with a small half smile that said, _I know something you don't know._

I returned to the task at hand and after a few more minutes of poo slinging, I wiped the side of my bicep over my sweaty forehead. A feeling of accomplishment swept over me, and I turned around, only to jolt when I realized Carson had been watching me. He was leaning against one of the main support beams, with that same knowing half smile. Part of me wanted to smile back, but the rest of me just wanted to smack the smile right off his face.

"What? Do I have something on my face?"

"No, your face is perfect. Actually, I was just taking note that I've never seen you riding any of the horses here, and you said earlier that the horses don't let you near them, so I assumed-" He cut himself off, searching for words. "I thought it would be nice if... Have you ever ridden a horse?" he finally spit out.

I let out some sort of laugh/sigh hybrid at the pathetic confession that I was getting ready to lay down. "No, I haven't. And the horses aren't exactly my biggest fans, so I'm not sure that fact will be changing anytime soon."

"Tenas likes you," he rebuked.

"If she liked me, she wouldn't mess with me like that!" I put my hands on my hips. "What did you call her earlier?"

"A poor excuse for a wild pony."

I drew my eyebrows together, and he tried to keep his usual stern, straight face, but after a moment we both started laughing.

"So did you know that she would let me just walk right up to her?"I asked with a great deal of doubt in my voice.

"I didn't know for sure, but I thought she might. Would you like to try again?"

Exasperated, I answered, "It couldn't hurt. I tried my way for an hour, and that was just today."

Carson grabbed a length of rope and shoved a handful of treats into his pocket. As we walked out of the barn's double doors, Carson started fiddling with the rope and I looked around for the beautiful, dark brown horse. After a minute, I spotted her, grazing down near the lake. I pointed in her direction, Carson threw whatever he was working on over his shoulder, and we walked off together.

At about fifteen paces, Carson explained, "Walk confidently to her shoulder and pat her."

I did as he said, and sure as sunshine, she stood stock still until my hand was rubbing her sturdy shoulder. From up close, I could truly admire her coloring. She looked like well aged leather.

After a while, Carson walked up, but at a much slower pace than my own. Tenas swiveled her ears around to acknowledge him, but otherwise, paid us little attention. I reveled in the feel of her coat. It wasn't fluffy or silky exactly. It was coarse but it still felt nice under my worn hands. Carson had this look of awe on his face that I didn't understand. I was supposed to be the one struck by all this.

I looked down Tenas' body and laughed at a realization. "You know, horses kinda look like Weeble Wobbles with stick legs."

Carson didn't reply, he just drew his eyebrows down and his mouth into a pout.

"You know, Weebles wobble but they don't fall over!" The confused look didn't budge, so I waved it off. "Never mind. Am I going to ride this Weeble Wobble, or what?"

In an instant, Carson's look of confusion transformed into one of alarm.

"Absolutely not."

He made a motion as if I was safe at home plate, but it felt more like he was telling me I could only ride the pine pony for the rest of the season.

"There's no telling if she'll take a halter," he gestured toward the bundle of rope under his arm, "much less a rider, not to mention an inexperienced rider!" He buried his face in his hands, obviously rethinking his suggestion for our afternoon. "No, definitely not."

I wasn't one to pull out the _But I want to!_ card, but I thought it would work to my advantage to play up his testosterone-fueled side.

"How about we see how she does with the halter you made, which is really cool by the way, and if she doesn't freak, then you can help me up. You'll be right here to catch me if I fall."

He shook his head and tapped the heel of his worn leather boots. Eventually, he caved. "Okay, but follow my lead. Don't get ahead of yourself."

An hour later, after rubbing, and pushing, and leaning, and pulling, I was getting antsy. Carson explained that before a horse will accept a rider, she has to understand that she has nothing to fear from them. Every time Tenas would let me lean over her back without moving, Carson would praise her, but leaning wasn't exactly what I had in mind with this whole _But I want to!_ scheme.

A few seconds into one of my leaning stints, I took matters into my own hands. I threw my leg smoothly over Tenas' rump and pushed myself into a sitting position. It wasn't the most comfortable seating arrangement, and I wasn't exactly sure where to put my hands, but it was absolutely exhilarating. I could feel her muscles expanding and contracting as she breathed and I could feel her heartbeat. It was amazing.

Though, the best part might actually have been Carson's expression. It was priceless. I couldn't help but laugh at his bug eyes and stiff-as-a-board stance. I started a giggle that grew into a body-wracking guffaw that had me leaning forward into Tenas' neck and required my legs to hold onto her body. There must have been something about my shifting weight that upset Tenas, because mid giggle-tremor, she started hopping like a kitten on catnip.

I tried to give myself a low center of gravity and hold on for dear life, but I don't even think I lasted ten seconds. Tenas bucked me off, and without thinking, I instinctively landed on my feet. I heard my name and I looked up, expecting to see a bewildered or confused Carson. Instead, all I saw in his deep brown eyes was concern and fear.

* * *

Creature Fear

Many of my nation had converted to Catholicism in the mid 1800's. Roman Catholics believed in Last Rites, the need for a final communion before death so as to be able to pass into heaven.

My father, though he was a practicing Catholic, believed as many of my people do, that you need a guide at the moment of death to lead your spirit into the afterworld.

I had died. The last person I had seen before I died was not a priest or a holy man, it was my beloved, and I was glad. As I descended into this most excruciating hell, at least I had my memories to comfort me along my journey.

The underworld was the only possible destination I could think of. _Where else would I be sent after the things I had said to Leah on the last day of my life?_

At first, they ambled by at an easy pace. I had time to enjoy my favorite images of my childhood, Siwash, and Naika Leloo. But then, they started to fly by faster and faster. It was as if I was preparing for an important test, and I was running out of time to memorize the answers.

Eventually I noticed a pattern in what my sub0conscious was showing me: Leah appearing in Siwash out of nowhere, Leah's strength and grace, Leah falling off Tenas, her choice of reading material, the Cullens and all of their quirks, and something about the last night of my life that I couldn't quite tap into.

They moved faster as the seconds ticked on, like the rolling beat of a bass drum. When the flashes stopped, it made the memory they lingered on feel like it was moving in slow motion.

However, the drumfire continued its high speed percussion. If I hadn't been dead, I would have sworn that it was a heartbeat. But that was impossible, there's no use for a heartbeat in the underworld. More likely, it was Satan calling me to him.

I ignored the beating of the drum and focused on the images in front of me: the day Leah first "rode" Tenas.

Though serious at the time, it grew to be one of my funniest and most cherished memories. After watching Leah's gymnast-level agility and grace for several months, a part of me knew that she was going to be fine when she fell off that horse. But that didn't stop the automatic response of calling for her in fear.

Out of nowhere, she decided to swing her leg up over Tenas' rump. She had promised to follow my lead and I should have known that was a load of crap.

It might not have been a problem if she hadn't started laughing and bouncing around on top of Tenas. Of course the horse bucked her off. That day, I did watch it happen in slow motion, knowing there was nothing I could do.

"Leah!"

I knew she would be fine

"Leah!"

I knew she would be fine, because she was something more.

"LEAH!"

I knew she would be fine, because she was a wolf.

"LEAH!"

I was thrust into the light, breathing hard, and screaming from a supine position. My chest and throat ached and I was blinded by the whiteness above and around me. I screamed my beloved's name again before I remembered that I had been condemned to the underworld. I would not gift such a place with her name. Instead, I screamed through the pain, her absence, and this need that I could not identify.

I didn't know how to process any of this new information that my body was sending me, so I shut it off. I closed my eyes and waited for the pain to overtake me, but almost immediately, I felt a small hand on my forearm. I didn't turn to see who it was. I didn't even reopen my eyes.

Through a clenched jaw, in a strained voice, I asked, "Who are you?"

"Alice Cullen," the voice answered, like chimes in the night.

"Are you in hell, too?"

"Hell? No, New Zealand. I was really excited about moving here, but I made a rash decision with complete disregard for the consequences. I know, not me, at all. And now I have to go a really long time without seeing some of my family. But that's okay; we've got some new family, now."

Her answer brought up more questions than it answered. "Why are you here?"

"For you, of course. Well, you and Leah. We're here because you're one of us now."

I thought for a moment about sitting up, and instantly, I was, though my eyes were still closed.

I felt two warm hands on my cheeks and heard Alice speak. "Open your eyes."

I did, and I saw her standing in front of me in a small bedroom. I looked quickly around the room and didn't see anything I recognized. I knew that for an absolute fact that I had never seen anything in the room before. Not that there was much to see, an empty bookcase, a simple desk with a notebook and set of pens, a small couch, and the bed I was sitting on.

"Where are we?"

Her head tilted to one side before she answered. "Are you defective? Catch up. New Zealand," she said, pointing to the floor. "You're in your temporary room, inside our temporary house, which is about a mile north of Doubtful Sound. We can take a field trip later if you like, but first, you need to hunt."

Something stirred inside of me at the mention of hunting, but I had to brush it off. "What do you mean hunting? I've never hunted in my life."

"It's a good thing you think you're dead, then."

Just then, Jasper walked silently into the room. Involuntarily, I tensed. I turned my body to face him, though I kept my eyes moving between the two. I didn't know what I could possibly have to fear from either of them, but I didn't feel right. And then, just as quickly as the feeling rose, it receded, and I was left with nothing. It wasn't as if I realized it was just Jasper and recognition or relief washed over me. It was as if I was holding a bucket of water and someone came alone and added more than I could carry, and the bucket fell leaving me with an empty bucket. Empty, that's how I felt, completely empty.

"Jasper! He was doing so good. You didn't even give him a chance!" Little Alice was so upset.

Jasper turned away from me and addressed her. "Why don't we just let him get outside, and then we can do this your way, alright?"

Her eyes lit up for a split second before they went sad again. Moments later, we were outside. Alice guided me with her arm around my waist and it reminded me of something that I couldn't quite reach.

We walked out of the house and a ways into the dense trees. I couldn't tell where we were, but where ever it was, it had just rained, and looked like another rain wasn't far off.

Alice sat down opposite me in a small clearing. Jasper stood leaning against a tree trying to look casual, though I could tell it was on purpose. After a moment, Alice grabbed my hands, and in the same instance, everything that I had been emptied of came rushing back. I felt like I was holding that same bucket into the stream of a rushing river.

I held on with all my might as images of _her_ washed over me. Leah. I let my head loll back as they flowed through me and threatened to overtake the bucket. She was grainy, murky, but I knew who she was. She was mine just as I was hers and I needed to be wherever she was instead of wherever I was at the moment.

"Leah. Where is she?"

"She's still back at Siwash. She's staying there so no one gets suspicious. And a few other reasons, at the moment."

Jasper chose that moment to speak up again. "Alice, get back to the original point."

She adjusted herself and took a calming breath. Looking me square in the eye, she asked, "You know there's something strange about my family, don't you?"

I simply nodded, because I did know that. I always had.

"Think," Alice begged me. "Think really hard about the last night you can remember."

I did, but that was where my memories were the murkiest. I could remember getting into an argument with Leah. I could remember climbing the mountain. I could remember deciding to come back down the mountain, and then nothing. I shook my head to tell Alice of my fruitless attempt.

"Do you remember Jamie?" Alice asked, her voice dropping to a whisper.

In one second, I hadn't, and in the next, a flood of information. Finding the waterlogged hiker, carrying him back to the cave, Leah showing up unexpectedly, my leg breaking, and then dying. I remembered dying.

I pulled my hands out of Alice's and tensed as I slowly backed away. She held out her hands, and both she and Jasper took care to stay still. I stood up, turned around, and laid my hands on a tree.

"I'm dead."

Instantly, Alice was at my side. "No, you're not." Her voice was sad as she laid her small hand over mine on the tree trunk.

"What are you?" I remembered my subconscious ramming together all my memories, but nothing was making sense.

"We're all vampires. You, me, Jasper. Jamie was a vampire, but he really is dead now."

I laughed at the absurdity of it all. "All of you? You're all vampires? I don't believe it. It's not possible. What about Leah? I would know if Leah was a vampire."

Alice cringed as I mentioned Leah. She turned her head away and bit down on her lower lip. "Leah's not a vampire. She's a shapeshifter. A wolf to be exact."

Her words triggered more memories. A fight with Leah, and a whispered confession as I lay dying in her arms.

I needed to hit something. "No," I grunted through clenched teeth and pulled my hands from the tree. Alice tensed, but I would never hit a woman, no matter how upset I was. I put all my strength into punching the soggy bark of the tree in front of me, fully expecting, even hoping for sore and bloody knuckles. But something unbelievable happened: the tree fell under the weight of my blow.

_Impossible._

I looked down at my hands and they were blemish free. _Unbelievable._ I looked back at Alice, and she wasn't scared or surprised, only sad. I turned around to see Jasper, still leaning against the same tree.

I started to back away from them. I didn't know where I was, but I didn't want to be near anywhere them.

"You have to accept this, and then we have to go hunting. Please, Carson," Alice begged.

"No! You're crazy! This is insane! I have to find Leah."

"You can't be around Leah or any other human, I'm afraid. You could kill them," Jasper said bluntly.

"Jasper, stop!"

"Babydoll, your way just wasn't getting through to him. He is a _vampire._ He can't see anyone from his past because he might _eat them._"

"No! Lies! It's all lies." I continued to back away from the two Cullens. Alice with her eyes, seconds from tears, and Jasper all snarl and fear tactics.

I turned to run a second too late and slammed my shoulder into a tree. It fell just like the first, but this time, I watched it as it fell in slow motion.

The truth started to creep into my awareness. I turned back, looking for validation, anything.

Jasper had one eyebrow raised. "Nice trick. Want to see mine?"

"Jasper! Why are you doing this?"

He looked at her with every muscle in his face tensed, and through his clenched teeth he answered, "She lied to him for over a year and didn't expect that something like this was in the realm of possibilities, and then she abandoned him. I think he should have some time to get that off his chest." He took a breath and held her face between his hands. "But everyone appreciates what you're doing. I love you." He looked deep into her eyes, a silent apology, and she stormed off.

He turned his attentions back to me. I just stood there fuming over a multitude of things.

"Oh yeah, my trick."

He launched himself up the nearest tree, and I lost sight of him through the dense layers of branches. Seconds later, the adjacent tree fell, with a triumphant Jasper perched atop.

_I'm a vampire. No, that's just not possible._

"Stop denying it. It's all entirely possible, and it's all true."

I couldn't think, I couldn't process any emotion. I destroyed. Everything I touched I tore down. My bucket that I had been holding for dear life, I released into the overwhelming emotional tidewaters.

When I had had my fill of destruction, I fell to my knees and cried out. I doubled over, screaming into the earth. Tears never came, only pain.

When I looked up, Alice knelt next to me and Jasper was standing over her shoulder. They led me into my new life.

* * *

Still Around

_The Quick._

_For three days time, I thought that I was dead, but I awoke to discover a more gruesome truth: I find myself entombed. I have become but a collection of ashes in this urn of a body. I've been doomed to eternity in this makeshift columbarium, surrounded by other ashes, memories of lives past._

_The life I live is not a life but a death. Though, I've been told that you knew of all this. You were aware of the likely consequences of your actions, or rather inaction. I had every right to know, though looking back, it seems you may have tried a dozen times._

_I wish I had one last chance to see you, to take your perfect face between my hands. It pains me to know that I don't have that option, for so many reasons. As much as I loathe this form for what it has taken from me, I know that in this unchanging body, I could give you a life of options without having to choose between yourself and your wolf._

_But I believe you've already made your decision. I know that I shall still exist long after you have lived and perished. I do not fault or begrudge you your decision, but I hope you can spare me a thought as you pass through._

_The Dead, Eternally._

_

* * *

_

**I know I've been suckie at replying to reviews lately, but A: They keep me going, and B: Hey, I got a chapter out... That's a step in the right direction... Right? Thank you!**


	27. Chapter 27

**A/N: The songs this chapter are "Specialist" by Interpol, "Falling in Love in a Coffee Shop" by Landon Pigg, "Supernatural" by Daughtry, and "Run" by Snow Patrol. **

**Warning, there is some mild language in this chapter, but it's from Jasper, so that makes it a little better. Same format as Ch 26.**

**I don't own any of this...**

* * *

Specialist

Leah POV

Nox drove out to Sooke to tell the Montes in person that he believed their son had passed. They decided, after hiring a tracker that led to nothing but dead ends, to hold a funeral in Siwash. They said it was the place he was happiest.

I thought that having a funeral would be a good thing, that it would help everyone heal. Or at least, that's what I kept telling myself. But I really didn't want to heal. His memory deserved more than for me to just move on.

My mother drove in the day before the funeral. Shamefully, I refused her company. I spent some time with Seth, because he didn't make me talk about how I felt. Though, mostly, I spent time in the barn. The horses didn't mind so much if I was silent or if I broke down and cried. They might have thought I was back to my old self.

The Montes didn't arrive until the day of the funeral. I couldn't blame them: Siwash had stolen their son, on _multiple_ accounts.

I couldn't look them in the eye, but that didn't stop Christine from pulling me into a tight hug and promising that I would always be welcome in their home like a daughter. Self-loathing made bile rise in my throat as I thanked them for their gracious offer. I felt like they were too good to deserve any of this torture.

I dressed for the funeral in a haze. I knew if I let myself become aware of my surroundings, I would start to notice things. Like his socks on the floor by the hamper, or his toothbrush in the little holder next to mine. I knew if I let myself acknowledge these things, I would fall apart. That day of all days, I had to keep it together.

Seth and Jacob retrieved me for the service. Jacob never told me where the Cullens were. But then again, I didn't ask.

On the walk down the mountain, it all became too much. I saw everyone gathering around the edge of the lake. They were sitting in the white folding chairs the ranch used for weddings and special occasions. The same chairs I had imagined, when I had let myself, using if I had ever gotten married at the ranch.

Upon seeing it all, I started to cry. I brought my hand up to cover my mouth and Jacob grabbed at my arm to pause my advance.

"Hold on a second. You've got to keep it together. Take a second before we walk down there."

Somewhere, I knew what Jacob was saying was what needed to be done, but my sense of all things rational was long gone. I pushed him away as hot tears burned my cheeks.

"No! I don't have to keep it together! None of this is real! He's not dead! He's not dead, Jacob." I turned towards the crowd then-they were already staring-and screamed at the top of my lungs. "He's not dead! Can you hear me? He's not dead!"

I could see Christine turn into Joseph's embrace, but I didn't care. Jacob and Seth had been trying to quiet me and shush me, but I would have none of it. After accosting the gathering of mourners, Jacob tried to physically rein me in by putting his hands on my shoulders.

"You're right, he's not dead," he said in a pointed whisper. "So stop acting like it."

Something snapped inside of me. It might have been his touch, or it might have been his tough love, I didn't know. The only way I could get out all of my rage was to hit something, and Jacob was just within arms' reach. I punched and hit and scratched, and Jacob just took it. When I finally realized what I was doing, I collapsed into his chest. He pet my hair like a child who had just thrown a tantrum.

"I'm sorry," I sniffled.

"Go tell Sue we're going to stay up here," Jacob said.

I looked over my shoulder to see my mother nervously power walking up the hill toward us. Seth met her halfway down and pointed her back in the direction of the service. She shot me a worried look and returned to her seat.

While Seth walked back up the hill, a wave of guilt washed over me.

"We shouldn't stay up here. I need to be down there. You were right." As much as I wanted to stay a little detached from the sham of a funeral, I couldn't help feeling as if it would be an insult not only to the Montes but to _his_ memory, too.

"No, even if I think you're being amazingly childish, I always said I would let you do things your own way. If you start freaking out again, I won't stop you. You need to get it all out of your system."

When I was a part of Sam's pack, I always knew that Sam could and would make me do whatever he needed or thought needed to be done. With Jacob, I regularly forgot that he had the power to order me to do whatever he wished. He could have stopped me from yelling and screaming, and he could have stopped me from beating the crap out of him. He really did want me to figure out all of this on my own. I was grateful, more than ever for Jacob's approach to being an alpha, but if I was being honest with myself, there was a small part of me that wanted him to tell me how to handle this, because I just _knew_ that I was doing it wrong.

With having just phased a few days prior, I had no problem hearing everything, though in truth, I really didn't want to hear any of it. Nox and Joseph officiated over the funeral, opting out of a traditional pastor or even a holyman. I wished they had gone with a stranger. A stranger can be vague, but that was not the case with his closest friend and his father. They spoke of his greatest achievements and his wonderful character. A few times, they mentioned me and while they were kind things, they were still hard to hear in context.

After the service, my mother came up to Outpost. She helped me pack up some of Carson's things that I wanted to keep, some that would be given to charity, and the rest that would go back to Sooke with his parents. Then she helped me pack my things up and we moved them back into the staff cabin.

We didn't talk much, but when all of my things were unpacked in my old room, she let me lie down with my head in her lap. I cried angry tears and realized how heartbroken I was. With Sam, I had the luxury of being mad. I had felt betrayed... by more than one person, and it was therapeutic to direct that anger outwards. Though, when I found out the true reason behind Sam's actions, I was left with a lot of self-disgust and hatred for the life to which my lineage had doomed me.

Now, there was definitely self loathing, but for a much different reason. I had failed to protect the man I loved. I hated myself for not telling him sooner and for not fighting harder against the damned bloodsucker, for not coming sooner. There were so many reasons why this was my fault, and I owned every single one of them.

My mother cleared her throat when I started to calm down. "Have you thought about coming home?"

"No." I answered her honestly, but I didn't give her any explanation.

"Okay, then I think you should see someone."

I sat up from her lap. I didn't understand what she meant, but I wasn't sure what possible response would be worse.

"Someone..." I trailed off, waiting before I accused her of anything.

"A therapist. I think Carlisle could help find someone. Maybe there's a specialist somewhere, or maybe Carlisle could help. I'm sure he's had experience with this type of thing..."

I cut her off. "Okay. Stop there." I jumped up off the bed. "I'm not going to see someone. I think I would have rather you want me to _see_ someone like, date someone. You know what? Seth can be my specialist. He can stay with me for a while if he wants. If he doesn't, I'll be just fine."

I headed towards the door, but turned when I reached the frame. I opened my mouth to speak, but my mom was already talking.

"I just think you should come home. You should be around people that know you and love you."

"Just stop, Mom! Look how good I am: He's gone. You can't bring him back. I can't bring him back. So talking to some shrink about mythological beasts and paranormal monsters isn't going to do anything but get me locked in a room with padded walls and no corners! I don't have a home anymore. This is the closest thing I have. You go back to your home with _Dad's best friend_." I laced my words with venom. I didn't know where they were coming from, but I couldn't stop them once they started. My hands were shaking with the desire to change."Maybe that's what I should do to feel better: hook up with Luke! Oh! Or better yet, Nox! Yeah, that would really help me feel better."

But I didn't feel better.

Falling in Love in a Coffee Shop

Carson POV (flashback)

I needed a break. One season was ending, the winter escapists that just wanted to enjoy the breathtaking views that Siwash had to offer were heading home, and another was beginning. Cabin fever's victims would start pouring in any day.

Luke had been getting under my skin more than normal. Usually, I could tolerate his below average intelligence and crude jokes and foul language, but with limited trips away from Siwash due to all the snow, my patience was wearing thin.

Nox and I had an entire cave set out for occasions such as this, but Olivia would have none of it. She claimed it was still too cold. Didn't she know that's what sub-zero sleep sacks were for? So instead, Nox and I sat casually in a booth in Tim Hortons. I sipped a Cafe Americano and Nox drank a cappuccino.

Nox and I didn't speak after we sat. We each had a periodical and simply required the time to cleanse our palates from all of the sensory deprivation the ranch had provided for the prior wintry months.

Though, in the midst of pure whiteout, out walked – _literally -_ a woman that represented hope for more than just myself. And in true form ala _speak of the devil and he shall show his face,_ from the midst of 100 Mile, in walked the woman who made short work of stealing my heart. One and the same they were.

Leah let the door shut behind her and stepped up to the counter. Her eyes flitted over the array of doughnuts and pastries. I couldn't stop staring at her. There was no reason for her to be in 100 Mile, though for Leah, that was probably a superb reason.

I was infinitely glad that I was facing the counter and that Nox had his back to the door. I would have been ridiculously embarrassed had Nox caught me grinning like an idiot at a girl who was entirely off limits. Nox, while not forbidding dating within the ranch, didn't exactly sing its praises.

Leah pointed out a pumpkin doughnut and ordered a drink. A moment later, a bell chimed to alert the arrival of a new patron. When I looked toward the door, said patron was staring right at me and it was none other than Olivia Siwash, smiling like the cat that ate the canary.

Olivia waved and walked up to Leah. After they both had drinks and desserts in hand, Olivia turned Leah towards our table. When she noticed me and Nox, she looked surprised but pleased, which surprised yet pleased me. I did everything I could to hold back the ridiculous smile that threatened to expose me for the complete fraud I was. I was supposed to be the cool and collected coworker, not the overly wound and obsessed man that slept downstairs.

That thought pulled my smile down slightly, but at the sight of Olivia's knowing smirk, my stomach dropped and my smile fell completely. I needed to know what she knew and how she could possibly know it.

Olivia sat her coffee mug down on the table and Nox looked over the top edge of his newspaper.

"Oh, hello dear. I didn't know you would be joining us. Good afternoon Leah. How are you?"

"I'm fine," Leah answered.

I felt rude for not properly acknowledging their presence, but there was something about Leah that shorted my circuits and sent sparks flying. I often felt at a loss for words like the awkward gangly Carson of my teen years. But for some reason, it wasn't 100% a negative experience. Instead of a debilitating anxiety, it was more of a nervousness that one would feel before riding a new thrill ride at an amusement park.

Leah was my _Revelation_, taking my world and turning it on it's head. All at 100 KPH, no helmet included.

Coming to my senses, I turned towards Leah and Olivia and smiled and nodded a welcome. Olivia sat her pastry down next to Nox's coffee cup and slid into his side of the booth forcing Leah to sit next to me. I didn't mind, but I knew Leah didn't care for invasion of her personal space. It was for that reason alone, her comfort, and certainly not because I wanted to be a millimeter further away from Leah than I was, that I slid into the corner of the booth. Though that did allow me to pivot slightly so as to face her all the better.

That move elicited a stern questioning glance from Nox and an endearing smile from Olivia. He was completely off base, but she definitely knew where my mind was.

Amid the small talk, ranch news, and 70 Mile gossip, Leah politely excused herself to the ladies room. Within seconds of the door swinging closed behind her, Olivia looked at her dainty watch and declared that she needed to get to a small boutique in town that closed soon. She paused, waiting for Nox to pick up whatever she was laying down.

"Okay," he replied with a single raised eyebrow in a mixture of confusion and sarcasm, "you have my permission."

Olivia huffed, but determined as ever, she patted her pockets theatrically and looked at Nox with the most amusing excuse for puppy dog eyes I had ever seen. It was as if she was trying them on for the first time.

"I left my charge card back at the ranch."

Her pitiful eyes turned expectant. If I hadn't been sitting on pins and needles to see how this played out, I might have laughed.

Nox sighed and reached into his back pocket for his wallet. From his beaten old billfold he retrieved a silver card and handed it to Olivia. She examined the front of it with a frown and held it up next to her face. She smiled then, showing lots of teeth, like a caricature of herself. She looked like a ridiculous Amex commercial from the nineties.

"Hon, I really don't think I'll pass for a_Charbonneau._" She paused, again just waiting for Nox to figure out what she was trying to say, without_ actually_ saying it. "What do you think, Carson?"

I turned to Nox and _actually_ said it, sort of. I had to mess with her a little. "I think she wants us to go with her."

His mouth twisted up at the side. He glanced to his wife and back to me. He knew exactly what she was doing and either he was smiling because he was stalling or because he was getting ready to help her.

"Nah, I think she wants me to go with her so she can leave you stuck here with Leah. She plots about it at night. This is the only way she'll stop."

Immediately, I saw red. I was frustrated that Olivia felt it was her right and responsibility to push Leah and myself together. Not that I didn't want to be pushed together with Leah. Though, had truth been told, it was terribly reckless on both her and Nox's parts to try and pair up two of their hired hands. Granted I was thinking myself into a circle, attempting to avoid the inevitable moments alone with _her._

Olivia smiled triumphantly and bounced out of the booth. "Hurry up, hurry up, hurry UP! She'll be out here any second."

And sure enough, she was. I only had a few moments to compose myself before Leah was sitting back down at the table. I stared down at my Americano, each thumb pushing at the other's cuticle in turn.

"Just us?" her small voice asked.

Immediately, my frustration slid out of my shoulders, my resentment towards Nox and Olivia forgotten.

"Yes. Olivia had to run to a shop. She took Nox along with her."

"That sounds about right."

Our words were stilted and forced. That wasn't what I wanted. Leah held her coffee cup to her mouth and I had to stifle a laugh. The mug was as big as her face and her petite hands barely fit around it.

"Don't laugh at me. I had no idea what to order. Reading that board was like being a noob reading leet for the first time."

Something inside me jumped. Anyone could tell leah was "street smart" even if not worldly, per say. But I would not have pegged Leah for a well versed elite. She continued to surprise me.

I must have looked it.

"Don't look at me like that. I really don't' think a leet reference warrants that face. I mean when I start spouting binary code like a stock broker's ticker tape, then you can give me the crazy eyes. Till then, lock it up."

And _lock it up_, I did. I locked up my heart, and sent it signed, sealed, delivered, straight to Leah's doorstep. _Mr. Wonder and I had similar haircuts. Somewhere in there was a deep spiritual connection over our love for a woman._

I knew it was utterly ridiculous, but in that moment, I just knew. Other women around the ranch had made advances, specifically Charlotte, but I knew I would never be able to tell them my secrets. They wouldn't understand. They didn't have to appreciate the differences between Spider-Sense, Amazing, and Ultimate Spider-Man, but if they wanted a place in my heart, they had to understand that I _did_ appreciate the difference. (And that Amazing Spider-Man was the only true Spider-Man.)

Leah didn't know my quirks, but I couldn't imagine her judging me for them. Though, that didn't mean I was at all ready to test that theory.

Leah inclined her head in an accusatory glare. I had to hold back my smile. Everyone at the ranch found her intimidating, but I knew it was a front. I didn't know how I knew. Maybe it was the softness in her eyes, or the way she got so frustrated with Tenas, or the way she smiled when she called her mother. She didn't show it often, but I made sure I was around to witness it as much as possible.

"Duly noted," I finally responded to her mock threat.

Our conversation carried on for what felt like only a few moments. Leah tucked into her pumpkin spice doughnut, picking it apart into bite-sized pieces and licking her fingers after each morsel. I sat transfixed as we talked about nothing of relevance but everything of importance.

Somewhere along in the conversation, I learned that her brother, Seth, was the major source of her "_nerdjucation_," as she called it. She worried about him, I could tell from the set of her delicate eyebrows. I realized that I would like to meet someone that Leah cared so much about, and that was a very new feeling for me.

That afternoon, I heard her laugh. I had heard her laugh before, on the phone with her mother, but I had never made her laugh. It wasn't a true laugh, though. It was more like her breath hitting her lungs, trying to escape, but the smile in her eyes was genuine. It was a step in the right direction, so far as I was concerned, and my new goal in life became to hear a true laugh from Naika Leloo.

When Nox and Olivia returned, they apologized for their extended absence. It wasn't until that point that either Leah or myself realized we had been talking for nearly two hours. I knew I had no qualms about it, and Leah seemed to feel the same.

Nox and I drove back to the ranch together in my Jeep. As per usual, few words were shared between us, which was convenient, for my eyes were glued to the rearview mirror, watching Olivia and Leah converse in Nox's oversized truck. Olivia spoke animatedly, barely keeping her hands on the wheel and eyes on the road. Leah, on the other hand, stared out the passenger side window.

Once, she looked up and I swore she looked right into the rearview and into my eyes. I immediately cleared my throat and averted my eyes. I looked over and Nox was staring at me with one eyebrow cocked. He brushed a worn hand over a stubbled face but didn't say a word about it.

Nox and I continued to the ranch in silence though, for the first time, it felt less like returning to work, and more like returning home.

Supernatural

Carson POV

Everything inside of me hurt. I wanted to fold in on myself, but how would a stone man collapse? Perhaps I was no longer a man, instead a black hole, ever shrinking in upon myself. Highly condensed matter, luring in and obliterating everything in my path.

My body ached for a substance I despised. My heart ached for a face I was beginning to forget. I couldn't understand why I longed for her presence. It was her fault that I was forever frozen. Perhaps Oppenheimer had it right when he posited that black holes were merely "frozen stars." I could never change, never grow. The raw hatred I had inside ate away at me. And the confusion over my conflicting desires only fueled that anger, widening my event horizon, my path of destruction.

Jasper became my strong hold, the only one capable of negating my downward pull. From what I was told, "newborns" were his specialty. He held nothing back. Any question I asked, he answered, and every question he answered, the more hurt I became. Leah had lied to us all from the beginning, but she had so many chances to admit her secrets, to clear her conscience. I had revealed every one of my secret selves to her.

Leonard Nimoy would be so proud.

Only Jasper would stay in the same room with me. The one time Carlisle sat and talked with me, he told me that his outlook on newborns changed drastically with Bella. He said he would no longer treat newborns like volatile infants as he had in the past. I had no idea what he was comparing me to, but I knew that every second he spend looking at me with his understanding, patient eyes, I wanted to rip them out of his stone skull.

After having no luck with my logical side, Carlisle appealed to my emotions, stating that he would not keep my company as long as I retained my hostile stance. He and Esme were working on some special project that I was not yet privy to. I was left to assume it was the lack of control over not only my emotions but also my ability to handle my new acute motor skills with refinement that kept them from requiring my assistance. Loneliness ate at me.

Though, it was all just the same. No light could escape my existence. I knew, once anything good entered my orbit, my heightened gravity would pull it in and destroy it.

I didn't even want to leave my assigned room, if at all possible. I would only leave to hunt, and my only visitor was Jasper, while he wasn't busy with his _mate_ Alice, or the others.

One morning, maybe two months into my stay in New Zealand, Jasper burst into my room. This was entirely out of character for him. Typically he walked on eggshells around me, and selfishly, I took advantage of his skill-set. For a few hours, every now and then, I could just disconnect. I could stop being a vacuum of emotions.

Every day, I could hear him walking through the house, but more importantly, by the time he made it to the room, I could feel him. Then we would either go hunting, which I loathed, or talk about how I felt and why, which I despised. Jasper liked to prod me about Leah. He said it would help me remember the smaller details about my life if I kept recalling the big emotional events. But I could do it numb.

So when he busted into the room, I knew that day would be different. I waited for the wave of calm to wash over me, but it never came.

I looked up in confusion, and he had a wicked smile on his face.

"Come on, le'ts go," Jasper beckoned.

I stood. "Where are we going?"

"We're going to fight."

I could imagine, had I still had a beating heart, it would have been pounding out of my chest.

"Why? What's wrong?" I knew about prior conflicts and the turf wars. My mind was racing with possibilities.

"What's wrong is that you've become dependent on me to get through the day, and A that's pathetic, and B that's a little creepy. Buck up, soldier. Meet me outside."

In an instant he was gone from my sight, but I could hear his fleeting footsteps out of the house. He hadn't given me a time limit, but I also didn't want to give him much of a head start, so I took a moment to collet my thoughts.

He thought I was dependent on the effects of his gift. I couldn't so much rebut his claim, but I didn't want to give them up either.

I took a deep breath of stale, dusty air, my last since I would be exiting the house unprepared. I would _not_ take chances. I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and opened the door to the room I so hated. I didn't know where my confidence came from, so I assumed it was a parting gift form Jasper.

I stepped out of the house and didn't see Jasper. I looked around and still couldn't see him. Behind me stood the modest house I had been spending my time in for the prior two months. In front of me: even after being immersed in Siwash's beauty for years, I could not fully appreciate what I saw then, though my current state of mind may have had something to do with my severe lack of appreciation for the exotic sights before me.

I stood entirely still, hoping some sort of enlightenment would come from the valley below me. There was no movement, save the faint shiver of leaves and the water in the river down below. Content there were no human travelers wandering close to our compound, I took a deep breath.

And then my face met with a soft moist ground.

A fury I hadn't felt since I had first awoke rose in me again. Immediately, I brought myself up to face my attacker. I stood in the hunting crouch I had been taught, but I still didn't see anyone. I could only hope Jasper was my only attacker.

His scent was still in my nose from my last breath. After a few more seconds, I realized I wasn't going to see anyone. I took another trial breath. Sure enough, I only smelled Jasper.

I turned around to face the direction in which his scent trailed, and there he stood.

"It took you four minutes to smell me out," he stated mater-of-factly. And then he leapt straight at me. There was no subtlety in his attack.

Shock and confusion held the floodgates of anger wide. Before I even thought about trying to hurt Jasper, I wanted to get him off of me so that I could explain myself. I reached up, grabbed him by the shoulders, and threw him off of me. I could hear my clothes ripping, but that didn't matter.

"But I'm not supposed to just waltz about, inhaling the out-of-doors. What if there had been a human out here?" I questioned. I stood, shoulders back, muscles flexing. No doubt, if Jasper had wanted me out here for a fight, I was failing miserably, but I was ready to show him a fight.

From where I had thrown him, Jasper sat crouched on the ground. When he stood, a chill of fear ran through me. His eyes had gone almost entirely black; there was no color left at all.

"But there weren't any humans." Jasper stalked his way towards me, and I lowered myself back into my defensive crouch.

"There was no way to know that!" I shot back. It felt good to yell, like some of my pain was seeping out of my chest as I shouted.

"You should have known it!" Jasper yelled in reply. "You should have known I wouldn't have brought you out here if there had been any threat." He spoke of threats as he circled me like a prize fighter or a predator circles his prey.

His simultaneous talk of trust while hunting me became too much. I lunged at him, attempting to take out his knees. My success was marginal, and Jasper and I spent the next hour scrapping in the clearing around the house.

I was definitely faster and stronger, but Jasper had more knowledge of fighting. Every so often he would pin me to the muddy ground and without saying a word, he would raise a single eyebrow in question. Every time my answer was the same. I would grunt and scream and throw him off of me to try again. My frustration never lessened, but the fighting was cleansing, as if it was washing away all of my faceless indignation.

One time, I finally managed to pin Jasper to the ground. I held him there, not sure what I was supposed to do next. So I said the things I wanted to say, wishing it wasn't just him I was saying them to.

"How am I supposed to trust you? After everything! How could you expect that of me?"

Jasper just lay there, knowing that I wouldn't hurt him, trusting me.

"Because, all of us? We're the only family each of us has. Like it or not, you're stuck with us. We're responsible for you. Luckily, we know what you were like before and we all liked you, or your depressive ass would be out riding your thumb. So get used to it, because this is your home now."

Instantly I released my hold on Jasper's arms. I looked up at the ring of black mud around the house, my Ergosphere. In an hour's time, I had taken something pristine and beautiful and pulled it into my black hole and destroyed it. I didn't want to wreck anymore. I wanted to create.

I closed my eyes, collapsing and rolling off of Jasper's torso. I laid there in the mucky ground with that all too familiar ache in my chest, because I knew he was right. New Zealand was my home, and there I would be, forever rushing to the arrival of nowhere.

Run

Carson POV (letter)

_Bulwark,_

_ In my whole life, in all I've done, you are the only thing that I can confidently say that I did right. For this reason, I will forever keep your secrets, which have hence become my secrets, and I will strive to forgive you every day. _

_ Where Siwash was once, this place has become my home. Less out of desire and more out of necessity. I needed a place where I knew I could trust everyone implicitly. I think you need a place like that too. _

_ I have begun making a true home for myself here. No matter how hurt or angry I am, there will always be room for you in my home and in my heart. I am told that is our bond, though that term leaves something to be desired. _

_ Should you never join me, please do not desert yourself at Siwash. You deserve more than transient faces, at best coming and going with the seasons. Run. Run, and don't look back. Run home, wherever that may be. _

_Garrison_


	28. Chapter 28

**A/N: I'm not dead, just really bad at this whole "regular update" thing. This chapter, like the two before it and the two that will follow, is split into 4 parts. **

**Part 1: Leah POV  
Part 2: Leah POV Flashback  
Part 3: Carson POV  
****Part 4: A letter written from Carson**

**"Trouble Sleeping" is by The Perishers. "Here She Comes" is by Low Millions. "Bad Dream" is by Keane. "Change of Time" is by Josh Ritter. **

**I highly recommend ALL of the above. Especially Low Millions. They have an entire CD just for various breakups. **

**Good news: I have written the next 1.5 chaps. C:**

**Oh yeah, and I don't own any of this.**

* * *

Trouble Sleeping

Leah POV

After my fight with my mother, I ran down to the barn. Before, whenever I had that need to phase, I would ride and feel better. It felt like the right thing to do again. When I got to the barn, Tenas was waiting. Somehow, she must have known I needed her.

I didn't need to give her direction, I just let her run. The feeling of her beneath me eased the anger out of me, but beneath the anger I found something infinitely worse.

She brought me to a bluff that overlooked the entire ranch. I could see the whole lake beneath us. I looked to my left and I could see the small cabin I had lived in before the accident. To my right, I could see the cave.

For a moment, tears pricked at my eyes. I had been so diligent in hiding how much of a complete wreck I was. For a moment, I attempted to fight back the tears, but eventually, I just let it all go.

I yelled into the wind, without a thought for who or what heard me.

"Why him? Why not me? It would have been so easy to take me!" I didn't know if I was hoping some higher power was listening, or if my message was for all of vampire kind. Tenas shifted her weight from side to side anxiously, but I couldn't stop. "Please! I'll do anything! He should be here instead of me!"

By the end of my tirade, I gave up, knowing that this wrong would never be righted. I sat for a moment and let that thought sink in as the wind stung my tear-stained face. I felt the weight of it all crash down on my chest, and I collapsed forward, crying into Tenas' thickly corded neck. I had yelled my throat raw, but I couldn't deny the sobs that were making Tenas antsy.

That night, I returned to the staff cabin, craftily avoiding my mother and Seth, and walked up to my room. I looked around to see that it was completely spotless. I could only assume that my mother had cleaned up after our day of resettling. It made me feel so guilty for yelling at her for the relationship she had with Charlie. I had never had a problem with it. If anything, I commended my mom for finding some happiness despite all the shapeshifter crap. I didn't realize until the next morning that my mother had left while I was out riding.

It was disorienting to have entirely clean surfaces, no clothes on the floor. And one single, freshly laundered pillow on the neatly made bed.

I curled up on the bed and hugged my knees until I fell asleep. That night I dreamt I was a little girl again. Everything around me was so big. I was on First Beach, but it wasn't First Beach. It was a maze of inlets and waterways and shorelines. At first I was just walking, enjoying the feeling of the sand and rocks beneath my bare feet, but eventually, I started to realize that I was all alone. I started to run, looking for signs of life, but there was nothing, no fish in the tidal pools, no birds in the trees, no crabs crawling along the beach.

I awoke in a cold sweat to a darkly skinned man shaking me. For a split second, unnamed relief flooded through me, and then my brother leaned into the light from the window. When I realized it was him, some of my abandoned anger returned. I leapt from the bed and beat on his chest like a war drum, but unlike Jacob, he didn't just stand there and take it. He silently grabbed my wrists and pulled me into a tight hug. I struggled against his hold, grunting and thrashing. Seth was a stockade, immobilizing me, imprisoning me.

I looked into his eyes and there were tears there. Immediately, the fight left me.

I felt spent, tired in a way I had never felt before. Like a stretched out rubber band. Seth just let me cry it out.

That first night was the worst, though almost every night was the same. However, after that first time, I didn't wake up crying. I knew what to expect as my mind propelled me pointlessly through the inlets. At the end of the dream, I would wake up, pull my pillow to my chest and try to go back to sleep.

I laid awake every night with his memories running though my mind. How could I sleep when his specter was stealing the covers and grinding his teeth on the pillow next to me? During the day, I could fill my time with any number of activities, but in the middle of the night, I had no control over the influx of thoughts about him.

I wished there was a way we could have switched places. He didn't deserve the punishment he was receiving. I did. I was already suffering; I would have gladly lived out my days with the Cullens had it meant he could return to the ranch he loved. I wanted that for him.

There were times when I prayed for him, like I had with Tenas on the mountain. But then there were times when I cursed the heavens, because I just knew even if I was praying, no one was listening. I oscillated between believing there just wasn't anyone there, and there being someone there that just didn't give a damn after everything that had happened.

Six weeks passed after the funeral and I felt like everything changed, even though the world was standing still. Everyone around me was pitching in, doing more work to avoid filling the hole in our staff. My work load, on the other hand, was considerably lighter. Seth insisted on not leaving my side, and that meant he had to work in the stables. Levi took up for Luke's work and Luke stepped up and so on.

One morning, I woke up with my pillow still clutched to my chest. I sniffed and wiped away a few residual tears from the corners of my eyes on to my pillow and sat up.

When I lowered my feet to the side of my bed, I gasped in shock.

I threw my snotty pillow down and plastered on my angry face. Seth was sitting on the couch across from my bed

"What are you doing in here?"

"I wanted to know if you were actually getting better or if you were hiding how you really felt. I think I can see now what's going on," he replied with a deep sadness in his voice.

"Seth, I'm fine."

"Really?"

I nodded a firm yes.

"Okay, alright. I'm not going to stick around beating my head against the wall, trying to help someone that doesn't want to be helped. When you want help, you know where to find me, or Mom, or whoever." He leaned forward and held his head in his hands. My chest was ripped open. I felt as if our places had been switched. I was supposed to be taking care of him, asking why he wasn't getting along with Jacob. But I couldn't bring myself to give a care. All I could focus on was how hurt I was and hiding that hurt from everyone.

"Where are you going to go?" I asked.

"I have a few ideas, but nothing for sure."

He stood up from his seat and walked over to the bed. He looked down at me with sad eyes as he kissed my forehead.

"I love you," I called as he reached for the door. He took a deep breath with his hand resting on the knob.

"You know I'll always love you too, Sis, but you aren't the only one hurting right now."

I knew he was right. Somewhere inside, I had known he was hurting too, but I was too selfish to acknowledge it.

"I know. I understand." I sniffled and pulled my pillow back to my chest. "Please don't hate me forever.

He walked back over to me and pulled my head to his chest.

"I don't hate you. You're hating yourself enough for the both of us."

He laughed quietly, and I knew he didn't mean his statement to be hurtful, but it was a jab just the same. He breathed deep and patted my head.

When Seth walked out of my room, I felt utterly alone. Seth was gone, my mother was gone, even the clutter was still gone.

But for the first time, I didn't want to be alone. I didn't yet know how to keep company, but I didn't want to be alone.

* * *

Here She Comes

Leah POV Flashback

"Cheechaku, I think I'm in love with her."

"So what's up with her? Does she have a third boob? Eight feet tall and all of it legs? A ten inch waist? Because I'm sure it's not her radiant personality..."

Jillian scoffed. "No, no, no. Well, the eight foot thing is debatable, and it is definitely all legs."

I reached over and shoved Jillian from atop her horse. She laughed as she righted herself. Charlotte was leading a group of girls on a horseback ride through one of the easier trails, but due to the size, Jillian and I were taking the rear to make sure there weren't any stragglers.

"I can't believe you're up here and not down the river looking for her."

"And why would that be? Does she have the answer to the meaning of life? Because as I've been reminded by Carson and Seth, the answer is 42." I rolled my eyes at Jillian's interesting behavior but smiled thinking about Carson. He had dropped several hints that he wanted to make our arrangements at Outpost more permanent. I secretly liked the idea, but I wanted to feel it out a while.

"Can you shut up your babble for a minute? I figured you would be looking for her because she's kayaking with Carson today. She asked for him specifically. You did know that, right?"

I didn't, but I didn't want her to know that. "Oh yeah. Carson told me about that this morning. It's not a big deal." But who was I to say if it was a big deal or not? I didn't know anything about it.

"But those eyes. They're so green. It's the wildest thing I've ever seen." She sighed and stared off into space.

The sight of Jillian swooning over another woman while riding horseback, and trailing the Canadian equivalent of girl scouts was amusing. It was almost enough to distract me from the idea of Carson alone with a woman beautiful enough to turn even Jillian lady crazy.

But I wasn't about to turn tail, run back down the trail, and make an ass of myself looking for Carson and this mystery goddess of the Amazon. So instead, Tenas and I maintained our position behind the Quigly Sprites, or whatever and waited out the end of the ride. The painful, excruciatingly long ride.

At the end of the ride, Charlotte dispersed the girl guides. Girl guides! That's it! And Jillian finished re-stalling the horses. I took that as the perfect chance to seek out Carson and his new friend.

I wasn't jealous, because that just wasn't in my personality type. I was merely curious.

Jillian said they were kayaking, so my first thought was to check by the dock. I walked along the tree line and just before I reached the water's edge, I saw movement near the kayak shed, right behind the dock. I froze in place just as Carson stepped into view. When he bent down to pick up his kayak, I ducked behind the nearest tree. He was wearing his famous bottoms-only wet suit, showing off the upper half sculpted from years of ranch work. Either I was too engrossed in half naked Carson, or this mystery woman wasn't there because I still hadn't seen her.

Carson walked out of the shed and to avoid being spotted, I hid entirely behind the tree. A second later, I heard him call to a person or persons unknown.

"When we're apart, I feel like I have to do a double take just to make sure that every face isn't hers. Even though I can always tell when she's actually near, because I get this sensation like my bones are suddenly much too light.

"Every song I hear, I can swear to you was written about her. Every dream I have is of her. Then I wake up, look at her, and swear I'm dreaming."

He stopped talking for a moment. I could hear the swish of his neoprene pants, and I dared a peek towards the lake. The sun spilled over his beautiful skin, his usually stick straight hair was drying in the sun with a little bit of a curl to it. I wanted to run my fingers through it. I wanted to make myself known, but I needed to hear more.

I could only hope that he wasn't saying those things about the leggy guest with the wild green eyes and the answer to the meaning of life.

"When she's next to me, it's like I'm glowing, and then she touches me and she's glowing too." He laughed then and it was a breathtaking moment. "I see her and I just want to ask her all of these terrifying questions about moving in together and commitment."

Carson let a low moan escape from the back of his throat. "Listen to me! This is lunacy!"

Carson started to pace along the shoreline. He did the nervous thing when he wipes his fingers over his lips. Like all of a sudden he wished he could take back every word he ever said.

"I'm sorry. I'm being the most insensitive ass."

I heard a woman respond to him. She had a very deep voice, though not from years of smoking. It wasn't raspy, instead it was silky and seductive. _Sultry._ I knew it was her, before I even knew what she looked like.

"Carson, love, I have always wanted you to be happy. I am happy." The woman stopped, taking a moment to inhale and exhale slowly.

She laughed before saying, "I will see you again soon. Here, she's coming through the woods. I think you should tell her the things you've told me."

I tucked back into the tree, hoping I hadn't actually let my guard down enough to get caught, but knowing that was exactly what had happened.

I heard more rustling and swishing pants and retreating steps. Then Carson called, "Leah, you might as well come on out. I've got no doubt you're in there."

He sounded stern, but then I heard a faint sigh of a laugh. I slowly stood, feeling my face grow hot with embarrassment. I turned and walked towards the lakeshore, my face toward the ground until curiosity got the better of me. I looked to see, indeed, the longest pair of legs I had ever seen, connected to a perfectly sculpted feminine figure. Definitely a 42.

I dared a look back at Carson, but he didn't look upset. He looked confused. I crossed my arms over my chest and shuffled my feet. I jumped when he rubbed at my forehead, three large clumsy fingers massaging an ache I hadn't realized was there.

"Stop making that crease in between your eyebrows. If I didn't know better, I would think you were jealous of Moira."

"If I didn't know any better, I would think you were hiding something." I was instantly on the defensive.

"You were the one eaves dropping. Why don't you tell me what I'm hiding?"

I thought about it for a moment. Before the conversation, I thought Carson was sneaking behind my back. During the conversation, I had been entirely convinced that Carson was talking to Nox or Luke or someone about the leggy brunette. But then, I was really at a loss for words.

I thought back to what Carson had said, and it hit me: he _was _trying to hide something, something that I had known all along.

"You want to move in with me!"

It hadn't been a question, but I could see the gears moving in that big brain of his. "I'd love to." He picked me up and spun me around, my legs flying out like a rag doll.

When he sat me down, I play punched him in the middle of his chest; he definitely knew how to bring out the flirty side of me. "You tricked me."

"So you're agreeing that you are going to move in with me?"

So that's how it's going to be?

"We're in the middle of nowhere, where exactly are we going to stay? A treehouse?"

"I'm not saying we have to pack up right now. I just like knowing that the idea is on the table, and that some time in the indefinite future, we _could_ move in together.."

"Bu- Wu..." I had no rebuttal. It seemed _sometime in the indefinite future,_ I was moving in with Carson. I turned around without another word, ignoring Carson's smug grin, and trying to hide my own, and followed in Moira's sweet smelling wake up the hill.

* * *

Bad Dream

Carson POV

My waking dreams were horrific. There was nothing I wouldn't have done to stop these visions. I couldn't stop thinking about Leah. Sometimes, I would imagine Leah finding someone else, raising children, growing old, and dying. Those were the good ones. Those were the scenarios that set my mind at ease. But the bad ones were truly terrible. I could see her dying a tragic death, one that I could have prevented. I watched her dying, without really living her life.

I tried to occupy as much of my time as possible so that I had as little time as possible to think about Leah.

Carlisle, now that he would spend time with me, assured that given some time, I would grow out of what he called that "phase." Esme, on the other hand, swore that Leah would leave Siwash and return to me.

I didn't exactly believe either of them, but I _wanted_ to hope. Alice suspiciously remained silent on the issue.

I threw myself into my work of building my shrine to Leah. Of course, I knew that there was no guarantee that she would ever even see it, but I needed the work. I needed the activity to fill my time, my mind.

So with my two hands, I put wood and nails together. I laid foundation and built frame. Everything that I could do by myself, I did. The extra strength certainly helped.

During the day, I would build. And at night, I would write. It was my way of speaking to her through the distance, physical, emotional, or otherwise. Letter after letter that would never see the light of day. They were all cryptic and morbid, speaking to a latent talent for teenage depressive poetry, but who should care? I relieved a fraction of the pain I was feeling, and no one would ever read them.

I kept them in the modest desk that Esme had provided in my temporary house. They were the inspiration for my self-flagellation, when words escaped me. It was a vicious cycle-I would write, letting some of the pain escape. But as the letters piled up, knowing that she would never read them, it would return with a vengeance.

It was maybe three months into my exile that an unexpected face walked into my room while I was reading one night. I had heard the heartbeat before the warm body entered the house. Alice must have told him not to worry about knocking at the front door.

I knew it wouldn't be Jacob. Jacob was, rightfully so, with his imprint. After he brought me to New Zealand, he had immediately left to meet back up with Bella, Edward, and Renesmee. I couldn't be around the child. Being a newborn, I was a danger to her, and Jacob couldn't be away from her. I didn't blame him.

For a while, it probably would have hurt to see his face. It took me a while to realize that. His face that I couldn't disconnect from Leah.

But the heartbeat, the footsteps, and eventually the warm body I could sense standing outside my door were not Jacob's. They could only be Seth's. Who else would visit me? Who else would carry such sadness in their steps?

"Come in, Seth."

I heard his breath catch in surprise and it confirmed my suspicions before he even opened the door. "Damn vampire hearing."

I held my breath and waited for him to enter, realizing a moment too late that this probably wasn't the best idea.

He smirked as he slowly looked past the door.

"Alice promised that you wouldn't kill me, but then she did that little giggle thing she does so I'm not really sure what that meant. I trust you, though."

He loped into my room and collapsed onto my unused bed, completely trusting that I wasn't seconds away from tearing out his jugular. His face struck me then, the lines so different, yet so similar to Leah's. The slant of his eyebrows, the slope of his nose. Hurting Seth was an extension of hurting Leah. I couldn't do it even if I tried.

Seth's eyes drew together slightly, as if in pain, though he quickly recovered with his usual smile. His index finger extended towards me as his smile grew. I cocked my head to the side in silence to convey my confusion.

"There it is. Right there. You won't hurt me. You can't. Leah's stopping you." He rolled onto his back, looking at the ceiling and running his fingers through his hair. "Her memory, it's your tie to your humanity. Or else you would probably not be sitting there right now."

He turned his head to look at me. "If it makes you feel any better, she's doing just as shitty as you are."

That was my queue, the sign I had been waiting for. With my head in my hands, I released every bit of air I had been holding, a massive sigh. Out of habit, a few seconds later I inhaled, just slightly, but it was enough.

Immediately I was coughing. "Augh! What is that? I can taste it in my mouth!" I scraped my tongue against my teeth trying to rid my mouth of the foul taste. Seth found this to be abundantly hilarious.

"Oh, yeah. And there's the smell thing."

Seth continued to laugh as Alice popped her head in through the door. "Just checking in!"

"I thought you said you knew I wasn't going to hurt him," I questioned, coughing.

"Well, I had a really good feeling, but it's not like I could guarantee with a wolf."

I looked at them in confusion, still reeling from the smell.

Seth responded first, "The magic in us, it makes us invisible to Alice's visions. Black spots."

Immediately, I was on my feet, outraged that Alice had put him in this situation. "How dare you risk his life?"

Alice just stood there, twirling her skirt in my doorway. "It wasn't my idea."

"All me," Seth piped up.

I spun around, facing the wall, my hands suddenly needing to hold my head. "You are all mildly suicidal."

"Chill out, dude. I can handle my own. You're just one little baby vamp. Even if I was scared of vampires, I wouldn't be scared of you. I guess I just wanted to see it with my own eyes. I wanted to make sure you still loved her."

Seth was no longer so sure of himself. His eyes were troubled, sad.

He had been just a good of an actor as his sister. Or maybe I was just as blind to them as Alice was.

"I don't love her." I spread my arms wide, turning in a slow circle to display myself and all my worldly possessions. "This is what Leah did to me. How could I love her?"

But I did love her. I loved her and I missed her. Even as I denied it, my mind, unbidden, began imagining situations for how I could use Seth to my advantage: a means for communication, a bargaining chip, anything.

"You're a terrible liar." Seth sounded lighthearted, almost amused, but the look on his face was one I had grown accustomed to, pity.

I turned around, too ashamed to answer or try to deny the accusations.

"I'm going to head up to the main house. Unlike the house of walking dead, I need some sleep, especially after that flight."

"You're starting to sound like Jacob. It's not like we're zombies, you know. I'll go fix you a bed." I heard Alice turn and step out of the room, but she quickly returned. "Before you ask and he tells you otherwise, no, zombies aren't real. Just vampires, shape shifters, and werewolves."

She bit her lip and looked around the room as if she was spying for any eaves droppers. She found none, but whispered nonetheless. "Possibly leprechauns, but no ones been able to prove it one way or the other."

With that, she skipped out of the room.

Seth didn't respond to her, exactly, he just ran his hand through his hair and laughed a single sigh of a laugh. He was tired. It was a natural response to stress and daily activity that I hadn't seen in another being in months. It was comforting.

"I'll talk to you in the morning, Carson. From what I hear, you've got a project you could use a hand with." Before I could protest, he came back with, "Not a question," like he was all of a sudden an adult instead of an overgrown kid hiding in an adult's body. I thought for a moment that maybe that was the roll he had fallen into, and I didn't object any further.

"Goodnight, Carson."

I had a thousand questions that I wanted to ask, about Siwash, my old friends, but most importantly, about Leah. I knew that as a courtesy I should have waited until morning, but I felt like I was about to erupt. I decided in an instant that I would allow myself the indulgence of one question, but somehow my well thought out inquiry got lost somewhere along my neural pathways.

"Wait, will she smell like you?"

In that moment I knew that I had been delusional to think that I could sit there and force myself to hope that she would move on. No, I wanted her back, and all the broken parts of me would sit and dream about it until it wasn't an option anymore.

The look of pity returned to Seth's eyes as he considered answering me.

"Yes. Well, maybe-probably-" he stuttered and cringed, looking out the corner of his eye at anything but me. "I don't know, but I hope you find out."

Over the next weeks, I taught Seth how to work with his hands, and in exchange, every day he answered my questions. Anything I wanted to know about my old life, he answered to the best of his abilities. He spoke about Leah often, but never to her. That was the one question I hadn't yet dared to ask.

* * *

Change of time

_Nightingale _

_ I feel as though I have a piece of you with me. Not nearly the pieces I was longing for, am longing for. What would I not do to see you again? I would write a thousand letters, build a hundred temples. _

_ I write as though I am a Maharaja of centuries past, when letters and shrines were staples of romance._

_ I am no Maharaja, but as I understand, this love inside me will last centuries. I have often thought that this life would be easier if I did not have to love you, miss you. The hate has abated; I realized that this wasn't your fault. It was never your fault. I needed a scapegoat to direct my waves of anger I was drowning in._

_ I have done what I can with the existing constraints. I can't reach out to you. How would a dead man be explained? How would a blood sucking monster be contained? _

_ I should have listened when I had ears that could hear and saw when I had eyes that could see. Though, I am unsure that the outcome would be any different. _

_Crane_


End file.
